The inevitable, and unfortunately necessary has finally happened!
Earlier this month on Twitter, PR agent extraordinaire, Marvet Britto (@MarvetBritto for all you Twitter fans) tweeted that a great practice for entering 2010 would be to pray and ask God to shake your tree- getting rid of anyone or anything in our lives that keeps you from moving forward and ascending to your promised destiny. Now, I didn’t pray this prayer, but God decided to shake my tree anyway.
There is a person in my life who I care for very deeply, but who has, in my opinion, not been a very good friend to me. We have had some really great times together, but he has taken more than he has given- leaving me feeling used and unappreciated. On the flip side, I have pressured him and tried to make him into someone he is not for my satisfaction- making me less than a stellar homeboy, myself. Friends and family have repeatedly told and asked me to delete him from my life, but having grown far too attached and attracted to him- making him my whole life- I refused, no matter how many times he may have disappointed me or abused my friendship and generosity.
This past weekend, things came to a head between us, and we had an argument over something stupid and, really, meaningless; but it highlighted many very problematic issues within our friendship. In the end, he said he was done and, after first pleading with him to work it out, I eventually came to the same conclusion. I don’t want to let him go, but I know I need and have to. Having made him such a big piece and focus of my life, I have blocked a great deal of positive people, blessings, circumstances, and opportunities from coming into my life. I truly care for him, but I understand that our friendship has run it’s course, and we both need to move on.
I take from this experience many lessons. For starters, I have learned that I cannot buy friendship, or love. It was not my intention to do so, but the nature and progression of our friendship led me to believe that I could. I manipulated him by giving of my finances in an effort to keep him around; and he manipulated me by making promises he had no intention of keeping- just to keep me (and my pockets) around. We stood on a shaky foundation of friendship that we ourselves built, but could not level or balance. We were both wrong, but I should have known better. The second thing I learned is that I can’t always trust what people say. There are some who will promise you things and say things to you just to appease you in the moment and get what they want; but will forget their words almost immediately when their needs have been taken care of; and will never hold themselves accountable for their words or actions. I learned that it is up to me to recognize when I’m being played and respond accordingly. That’s all I have to say about that. Third, I learned that it is really important for me to start saying what I mean and mean what I say, instead of just saying what is easier and simple. I tend to run from confrontation and as a result of not speaking my heart, I end up getting trampled on and taken advantage of. I need to grow some balls and stand strong in my feelings and opinions. The last lesson (or at least the last I will share) is that I learned that pressuring people to do something- regardless of whether they’ve suggested, offered or promised it to you or not- will eventually drive them away. Amidst the repeated assurance that “It’ll happen…just be patient and let it happen naturally,” and “you’re one of my best friends. I love you…I got your back,” that occurred over the course of 3 years, I grew impatient and added pressure to get what I wanted as he was already getting what he wanted time and time again. Eventually, we both got fed up… he of the pressure I put on him, and me of the empty promises and wallet. In the future, I need to evaluate and assess my motives before giving of myself, and be patient with what I am promised, expected or wish to receive in return. I learned these lessons the incredibly hard way, but as a result, they are lessons I will never forget.
Now that we have parted ways, I have some soul-searching to do. In all this, I realize that I can do much better for myself and, more importantly, I deserve much better! I lost my power, amongst other things, in this friendship- I gave it to him… he had it all. It’s time for me to regain it all back. God has shaken my tree, and a few apples have fallen- giving me the opportunity to regrow stronger branches, and bear more nourishing, healthier fruit. Though it plagues me to realize, I need to spend some time alone- me, myself, and I- to come back to the middle and determine what it is I truly want and need. God is with me and he invited this to happen so that he and I could become closer, and I could get back on track to do the work he has placed in me to do. I struggle with wanting to chase after this guy and attempt to mend our friendship, but I must stay strong. I have so much more to do with my life, and it is imperative that I change my focus in order to ascend to my destiny and a life of fulfilling success and happiness.
I will always care for and love him, and I wish him well; but I must take the lessons he and this friendship have taught me and let him go. I’m incredibly saddened that our friendship had to end at all, let alone on a negative note, but as he’s repeatedly suggested I do, I have to do me. And so, with a bruised heart, ego, and spirit, I’m taking his advice, thanking God for the blessing of the experience and freedom, and doing what is necessary for and beneficial for me and my future. It’s gonna be hard as hell (it already is), but I know I’ll make it through just fine.
When one door closes, another opens. But before I walk through, I’ve got to take a long, hard look at myself. God has shaken my tree, and now, laced with more pearls of wisdom, my evolution continues…
When I woke up this morning, I had no idea how I was going to celebrate Thanksgiving. I had 4 open invitations to dinner, but I was indecisive about where I actually wanted to go. I sat on my couch watching the parade wondering if that was all I’d end up doing today. Then I took a shower and my day suddenly came alive. While lathering up- gettin’ so fresh and clean- something inside me said, “Wait…don’t you love to cook? Isn’t this one of your favorite holidays because of the food? Why aren’t you cooking?” I thought to myself, “YEAH” as I rinsed off. Cooking is one of my favorite pastimes. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t be standing over a pot dishing up my favorites for dinner. I immediately went right into action- creating a menu of my favorite things and hittin’ the grocery store. And then, I started cooking my ass off!
I made Cornish hens stuffed with wild rice & sausage, candied yams, greens, ham, cornbread, and sweet potato pie. I went in; and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I really love cooking, and it was very nice to spend those few hours in the kitchen connecting with a passion while thanking God for all he has done for me. I invited over a couple friends who otherwise wouldn’t have really had a Thanksgiving dinner and we feasted abundantly. The greens came out a little salty (twas my first attempt at making them), but everything was still really good- at least to my taste.
I have so much to be thankful for this year. For starters, I have my life and my health. The past week has been rough after having a slight medical episode last Friday; and it only made me realize how precious life is and how we should cherish and maintain our health and each moment we are given. I’ve vowed to start taking better care of myself- exercising more, eating better, and watching what and how much I put into my body.
Additionally, I’m surrounded by family and friends whom I love and who love me; and for that I am truly grateful. Somtimes we forget about the love that surrounds us. We all have people in our lives who care about us and love us to death. I, for one, am going to make a better effort to show my appreciation for those people on a more regular basis.
Finally, I am grateful and thankful for all that I do have and all that I am. I may not be who or were I want to be, but I am constantly growing and am leaps and bounds past who and where I once was. It’s only by the grace of God that I’m allowed to lead such a joyful life- even though I may not always view it as such- and I am so thankful for all he has given and offered me. I really do live a great life. It’s high time I start recognizing that for real.
As I begin to look to 2010 I’m really pinpointing the things that I want to work on and accomplish. I want to be more patient and live for the journey as opposed to the destination. Much of 2009 was lost for me out of my concentrating on and complaining about where I wanted to be instead of appreciating the process of getting there. I also want to start acknowledging myself more- stop puttin’ myself down so much and start giving myself credit for all that I accomplish, small and tremendous. I also want to foster better relationships with my family and friends. I don’t get along very well with my family. I’ve secluded myself from them because I’ve always felt uncomfortable around them. I’m hoping to change that.
All of this will take work. Hard work. I’m a stubborn individual, who lives an incredibly structured life; and it’s gonna take a lot for me to relax, stop taking life so seriously and enjoy the journey, while pushing myself out of my comfort zone to create the life of my dreams. I’m dedicated to not live in my 30’s as I did my 20’s. I’m thankful for the clarity this year has brought me, and I’m looking forward to the challenge that lies ahead. I realize now that it’s up to me to make this growth happen. Not anyone else.
I hope you all had an enjoyable turkey day and will take the time to reflect and be thankful for all that you have and all that you are. Lots of love, hugs and kisses to you! Happy Thanksgiving!
There are many people who have a serious problem with using a public restroom. For most it’s a sanitary issue- public potties aren’t the most pristine of environments. For others, as is the case with me, they don’t exactly allow for much privacy, and can make the experience more stressful than it needs to be.
Now, I don’t have a problem per se about using a public toilet; but in doing so, I take many a factor into consideration. I had to laugh at myself recently after departing from a rather amusing trip to the bathroom at work. It all started, as it often does, with that familiar, post-lunch, nudge from my intestines- signaling to my body and my mind that an evacuation was about to take place…whether I wanted it or not.
I walked quickly to the restroom, taking notice of any other males in the vicinity- either going in or coming out. The coast was clear, so I casually sauntered in- so as to give the appearance of a number 1 voyage- but sprinted to the nearest stall once I was inside. Luckily, I had the place to myself…for the moment. I grabbed a seat cover, [sidebar: to all of you clear people who do not use seat covers- who just walk in and sit the fuck down- ewww! Seriously! If it wasn't for my not wanting anyone to know I'm sitting in the stall next to you, I'd be screaming all kinds of "you nasty as hell" at you! Use a damn seat cover!] But I digress. I grabbed a seat cover, placed it on the rim, and sat down.
I won’t go into details about, you know, making mud dolphins, but my stress level skyrocketed when the restroom door opened and in walked several people- chatting it up like they were standing at a water cooler. I was battling a rather, umm, ethnic meal, and so there was serious cause for concern. You have no idea (or maybe you do) about how friggin’ nerve wracking it is to try to hold ish in (literally) and not create an embarrassment of volcanic proportions. Holding on for dear life, sweat dripping down my brow, I thought about the little predicament I was in and I giggled. Thankfully, this didn’t draw any attention- hey probably didn’t hear me over their banter- or release any of the tension I was holding. At one point during their conversation about meetings, travel and the weather, I had to fight myself from screaming “will you just pee and go already?” I sat, rocking and trying my hardest not to explode, waiting for the guys to leave; and as the urinals began to flush I began a countdown. Less than a minute later, they were out the door and I was out of time. I waited for the sound of the door clicking closed and I laughed hysterically returning my lunch to the hell from whence it came.
As weird and uncomfortable as that experience was, I’m still okay with using a public restroom- cuz when you gotta go, you gotta go. But for future reference, note to self: no more ethnic food for lunch.
Beyonce teams up with the always fresh and exciting Lady Gaga for the remix to her newest single, “Video Phone.” I’m loving the departure from the black and white, and rather subdued nature of the previous video releases for the “I Am” album. She serves up a lot more color, attitude and flare in this one- giving us a bit of old school (”Check Up On It”) Beyonce as well as dishing out something new.
Not sure if Matthew Knowles had anything to do with this, but the “nobody outshines Beyonce” code of conduct memo seems to have been delivered to Gaga as well. In comparison to the artist we see in her videos, and on the red carpet, she was toned down like nobody’s business in this video. [Apparently, Lady Gaga will be doing her own video for "Telephone" so I can't be too mad. KILL IT, GAGA!!] Aside from that (oh, and the almost seizure-inducing flashing), I enjoyed it.
I’m no dancer, but trust… at some point, I will be attempting that roll out of the chair on to the ground move from the dance break. Where’s my wig? Oh, and I LOVED the video heads on the dancers. That was a great touch!
This picture was on the front cover of today’s New York Post. I didn’t notice it at first, but when I reached my office and plopped the paper on my desk my eyes went straight to it and I broke out in an inconsolable fit of tears. Accompanied by a headline only Alexyss K. Tylor could do real justice, the player featured assumes a position that was once somewhat familiar to me, but is now nothing more than a distant memory.
I must say, he’s supporting himself quite well- perfect hand placement, and his facial expression looks like he’s ready; although he could get that right leg up a little higher. I’ll give him an “A” for effort, though. *sigh* I’m sad now. It’s been way too long for me. [sings "Memories" by Barbara Streisand]
Usually on Tuesday nights you can find me at a Starbucks somewhere in Midtown attending Touch and Agree- my weekly prayer meeting. However, after an unsettling discussion at the meeting two weeks ago, I’ve decided to take a little break.
The topic that arose that week revolved around who, in the end, will gain entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven. One of the members of the group was explaining a book she was reading in which the author references the Torah, the Koran, and the Bible in an effort to accurately trace, back to Abraham, the lineage of the Muslim, Jewish, and Christian religions. As I sat and listened to her description of the book, a question began to surface in my mind: “What happens to those who don’t believe in the teachings of the Bible when they pass on?” I posed this question to the group and was met with a variety of different answers- which then sparked a rather interesting discussion.
At first, when I offered the example of someone living outside of a modern civilization who has never heard of Jesus before, I was told that in their case, Jesus would simply look at what’s in their heart when deciding whether they should be let into the Kingdom. Fair enough. I pushed a little further and asked about those who made up other religions- Jews, Muslims, etc.- as well as those people who have no religion, but are more spiritual- Buddhists and Yogi’s. This is where things got heated. We talked about what these other religions believe that is in opposition to the Christian belief that Jesus died on the cross and is the risen Messiah. Everyone at the table was very adamant about Christianity- or the belief that Jesus is the risen Messiah- being the only way to gain eternal life. The Bible was quoted as saying (and I’m paraphrasing for I am not well versed in scripture), that the word of God will reach the 4 corners of the earth; every man will make a choice, and those who do not accept that belief will not be allowed passage. One girl went as far as saying, “I know with complete certainty that if you don’t believe then you will not be allowed into the Kindgom.” This is where I just shut down!
Excuse me? You know with complete certainty? I don’t think so. Yes, you may believe with complete certainty, but there’s no way you could possibly know for a fact who will and will not gain entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven. I was so floored by that statement, and over the conversation as a whole, that I just sat there in silence. I didn’t reply- especially as I was the only one at the table who seemed to disagree. But that comment, and the subsequent backing from the rest of the group, took me back to why I stopped going to church and became spiritual over religious in the first place. There is nothing wrong with believing the teachings of the Bible and leading your life accordingly; but I take serious issue with a number of Christians who shut out and condemn any person or thinking that differs from what they “know” as truth. This girl, and what felt like everyone else at that table, was ready to send countless people straight to hell for not believing what she believes- just because of what the book that sat in front of her said. Suppose she wasn’t a Christian. Suppose she grew up as a Jew reading the Torah. She would have no idea about the teachings of Christ, and would have a completely different set of values and beliefs. Would she then believe that she was going to hell? Not at all.
I brought up my recent foray into Orpah’s Spiritual podcast channel, which drew more of the same type of commentary. Most threw out the whole idea of general Spirituality saying, “no…you can’t just wrap everything together and call it the Universe- someone’s in control. He has a name, and you should respect that and call him by his name… it’s God.” Eckhart Tolle’s book, “A New Earth”- a book from which I’ve gained a great deal of insight- was brought up in the discussion, and someone mentioned that she advised a friend who was reading it to throw the book out- calling it “the devil’s book”- and asking how can you be a Christian and go by something that doesn’t claim God or follow the Bible? By this time I had had enough. We had to break the discussion because the diner we were in was closing, and as we scooted out to find another location, I took the opportunity to excuse myself and go home. I haven’t been back to the group since.
I am a believer- let me make that clear. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, was buried, and that he is the risen Messiah. But what I don’t believe is that acknowledging and believing that is the only way to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven and gain eternal life. If God is omnipresent and can commune with us in many different ways, then why can’t we do the same? I’m not saying that all religions and methods of spirituality are acceptable- I don’t know for sure what is and isn’t valid- but I do think that the road to knowing, believing in, and following God, and eventually getting into the Kingdom, has many lanes and many passages.
So often, amidst all the talk of living our dreams and achieving our goals, we are led to believe that life is a competition. There are so many of us who seem to be racing towards the same finish line that it becomes hard not to think of besting the other racers on the track and leaving them choking on our dust. At the same time, as we look to surpass the dreamers and “haters” around us, we begin to compare their lives and successes to our own- leading some to increase the pace and stride of their step, and others to simply stop running altogether.
I have never been one for much competition. Sure, I may go in and get aggro during a night of bowling or a game of cards, but that’s all in good fun. In life, particularly when it comes to the daily grind of reaching for the stars of my dreams, I’m definitely more reserved and quiet. Instead of adopting a war mentality, as many seem to do, I tend to compare myself to to those around me; and in doing so, I lose steam. I’ll be the first to admit that this is a fault of mine- and one that I’m constantly working on- but I’d be lying if I said that watching some of the talented people in my heat (keeping with the race metaphor) take off, increase speed and pull ahead of me doesn’t make me want to stop running, grab the water boy, and hit the showers. In my head there’s been little point to continuing on.
What’s dawned on me recently, and has begun to change my thinking and perception of the undertaking that is my hopeful journey to international success, is the fact and the knowledge that I am a valuable and talented being in my own right and in my own way; and that greatness can not only apply, but also call to many people the world over. There are billions of people on this planet- each with different tastes, lives, backgrounds, thought patterns, likes, dislikes and interests. Who’s to say that thousands if not millions of them won’t connect with me being me, saying what I have and want to say, the way I was born to say it? Because of this, I’m realizing there is no need for competition…there is room for all of us. An example that just popped into my head is Kelly Rowland. Sure, she may not have the same type of talent and fame that her former bandmate Beyonce has in the United States, but that chick is a force to be reckoned with in Europe. You think she’s counting her “When Love Takes Over” coins wallowing in a pool of tears over why she’s not #1 over here? Doubtful.
We are all spectacular. We will all shine. There is no race against time or another human being- for we are all opening doors and paving the path for each other to move ahead into the spotlight of our own dreams. We don’t all want the exact same thing, so there’s no use in pretending or forcing ourselves into believeing that we have the same destination. You can do you, I can do me, and we can both get what we want. It’s a good thing, too; cuz I’m tired of running.
I’m Will McNair: a good-lookin’, music-pumpin’, book-writin’, porn-watchin’, meat-eatin’, intelligent and sophisticated lover of life living out loud in New York City!
I aspire to help, entertain, motivate & inspire members of the LGBT community to live their lives proudly, demure and without fear.
As I stroll along through life, I find myself with many questions and thoughts about why I’m here and what I’m supposed to do. This is my journal of self-discovery and self-actualization. Enjoy!
will on January 20th, 2010
