on my love of porn…
will on April 28th, 2005
when i was in high school and really beginning to become aware of my sexuality, i started having a lot of questions about sex. i didn’t really have any friends, and we all know i couldn’t go to my parents to answer my particular kind of questions; so i began to venture out to find answers on my own.
as i mentioned, the first time i ever saw someone naked was at 13, with that whole playgirl picture situation. after that, i chilled out for a while- knowing that i could not get caught like that again, but when puberty fully kicked in, it was a wrap. when i was around 16 or 17 i had had enough and needed to explore my sexuality a bit more. and so i ventured out to west hollywood and went on a quest for knowledge.
as my years in high school were coming to an end, i was able to convince my mom to allow me a curfew. it wasn’t much, but it made all the difference in the world. after school i would get on the bus going into west hollywood. at first, i would sit in the corner of the bus- hiding- and get off at a stop a few blocks away from the “gayborhood” and walk back. i was way too scared of someone recognizing me and then outing me to everyone. it wouldn’t be for a few weeks until i was able to get up the courage to get off right on santa monica & robertson blvds. and walk around.
i found a bookstore called, “a different light,” and for weeks i went there after school to read about and talk to gay people. i read and soaked up almost every book they had. it was like gay high school for me! i read coming out stories, books about gay travel, erotica, and relationships. but my favorite section was the small adult section in the back of the store. i’ve always been a very visual person, and their magazine selection just blew my mind. at first, i just focused on the penises- i was just way too horny for my own good. but as i continued to visit the store and the magazine section, i really became interested in and excited about the male body- the different shapes, sizes and colors. and seeing these men having sex really struck my fancy. there were days when i would walk into the store and head straight back to the porn section to look at the men. i never bought any books or magazines- that was just out of the question for my situation- but i did spend hours just reading and learning. and about all topics… not just erotica!
on the ride home, i would pass the “tomkat” gay porn movie theater. i wanted to go in so bad- just to see what it was like. after about a month or so, i got up the gumption to get off of the bus and go to the theater. the first time i went- i believe i was 16- i rushed in (making sure no one saw me) nervous as you could ever imagine, quickly walked up to the counter, and asked for a ticket. the guy standing there looked at me and asked how old i was, to which i totally lied, “i’m 18.” he smirked, laughed and sold me a $10 ticket, which paid for my entry and re-entry until 4am. needless to say, i didn’t stay that long.
i walked through the double doors to find a huge 1-screen theater. the lights were dimmed, and there was baseball-themed porno playing. i stood in the back of the theater for a while- waiting for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. i couldn’t believe i was actually in a porn theater. part of me felt really sketchy- especially when i spotted other people in the theater; but mostly, i was very curious. once my eyes were good, i was able to take everything in. in a theater that probably sat well over 200, there were about 20 or 30 guys spread out in seats throughout the large room. there were some sitting on their own just watching the movie, a couple of groups of people in the corner playing around with each other, and a few guys walking around the theater cruising for a hookup. i was there for the movie, so i found a seat out of the way and sat down.
i think i watched a movie and a half that day. i just thought it was so visually stimulating. sure, i was aroused and all of that, but for me, it was really just like watching any other movie. “so this is what sex is,” i thought? in that moment, i knew that this theater would be where i would learn about sex. over the next two years, the videos that i watched there would provide a great- albeit fantasy- introduction to the subject of sex. that’s how my love for porn began. i’ve since been to that theater countless times. after my first few times, i started talking to and fooling around with other guys who were there. i was very nervous at first, but being an incredibly horny teenager, my nerves wore out pretty quickly. i made out with other guys, beat off with them, and even engaged in oral sex a few times. once i moved to ny, i found that there was no theater i could visit to indulge my “porn habit,” so i began to purchase movies on my own. and now, as you can probably imagine, my collection is pretty extensive.
