Evolution of a Mancombining the profound and the inane.

favors from a friend…

will on August 31st, 2008

someone, please make me smile…and laugh. it’s been a while.

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on chasing the unavailable and uneligible…

will on August 29th, 2008

some people go for the bad guys. some, for the wealthy ones. me? i go for the unavailable. those guys that for whatever reason, are not interested in me- but whom i chase and chase in the hopes that their mind and feelings will change. even more upsetting is the fact that most of them, in the end, prove uneligible to be my partner in the first place. but still, i persist.

i don’t know why i continue to do this. i mean, there must be some part of me that’s enjoying the rejection and embarrassment of practically throwing myself at these people- otherwise, i wouldn’t do it. there’s something in me that craves being desired so bad that i end up time and time again setting my mind aside in search of some caress of my heart and emotions.

i got an instant message from smokestack inviting me over this evening, and, like the lap-dog i tend to be with him, i ran over to hang out, eat, and chat with him. i did this despite the lack of friendship and consideration i get from him, and despite any other plans i had for the evening. all because i’m crushing on someone who’s (although we’ve hooked up in the past) made it clear that he’s no longer interested; but in my mind is just waiting for me to approach him the right way. we had a good time- watching a movie, and tuning in to barack obama’s speech. the purpose of my going over there was for us to enjoy each others company and put smiles on our faces. that we did. but of course, i was hoping for more… in the end, i got up and left after sitting by myself for 40 minutes while he paraded around the apartment on the phone- cleaning here and there, laughing, and forgetting i was even in the room. when i got up, he made a comment about my leaving to the person he was talking to- to which i replied, “well you’re really into your conversation, so i’m going home.” apparently, it was someone he hadn’t spoken to in a while- we all know what that’s like. but ignoring someone you asked to come over to cheer you up is quite rude. so i left.

walking home, i berated myself for putting myself through so much bullshit for something that’s not really worth it to begin with- not just in this situation, but with all the guys i chase and many friends as well. i also, during the walk, monologued about how rude i felt he was, and how i felt cheated for his not being into me to the point of getting something started. we work for the most part well as friends, but i wanted him to initiate something, and when he did not, i became unhappy. i just have such a strong yearning to be desired, needed and accepted; and i way too often compromise my values or whatnot in order to gain some type of affection (particularly romantic) from the people i surround myself with. and for some reason, despite all the reasons i have to act otherwise, i can’t get enough of being around him.

i’ve been diving back into eckhart tolle’s “a new earth” again, and i recently came upon a passage that had me mark “WOW” almost instantly.

do you often experience a feeling of discontent that could be best described as a kind of background resentment? many people spend a large part of their lives in that state. they are so identified with it taht they cannot stand back and see it. underlying that feeling are certain unconsciously held beliefs, that is to say, thoughts…

whenever there is unhappiness in the background of your life (or even in the foreground), you can see which of these thoughts applies and fill in your own content according to your personal situation:

“there is something that needs to happen in my life before i can be at peace (happy, fullfilled, etc.). and i resent that it hasn’t happened yet. maybe my resentment will finally make it happen…”

often the unconscious beliefs are directed toward a person and so “happening” becomes “doing”:

“you should do this or that so that i can be at peace. and i resent that you haven’t done it yet. maybe my resentment will make you do it.”

i couldn’t help but to pause when i read this. i mean, i walk through my life upset that i don’t have companionship- thinking that if i did, i’d be happy. and then on top of that, i resent smokestack for not initiating something after all i’ve done for him. it’s sad, i know… but these are the holes we sometimes fall into. i know i don’t want to be in a relationship with him, but i keep chasing him anyway, and then get mad when i feel my needs aren’t met. and i can’t figure out what to do.

i fear that my desire for companionship is reaching a level of desperation that will, if i’m not careful, lead me to enter into an unhealthy partnership. sometimes, i feel like i’ll run away with the first guy who shows me some real affection- just ‘cuz i can’t get it anywhere and from anyone else. i’ve never had a boyfriend, and, being a huge romantic, i want to be boo’ed up! but for now, the universe has other plans.

i really have to get it together. i’m losing myself- too busy giving it all away to other people…

stop the madness!

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from the ground up…

will on August 25th, 2008

it’s been pretty quiet around here. i know, and i’m sorry. in the past 4 months since the divine intervention, i’ve gotten to relax, re-asses, and begin to turn my life in a new direction; but i feel like i’ve gotten very little accomplished.

the book (i’m giving away nothing) is trucking along quite nicely, i’m working out more and trying to meet new people. i’m pretty happy! all of that is nice, but it’s bringing in no income. funds are beginning to run low, and i’ve (now more than ever) got the question, “what am i gonna do for money?” lingering in the forefront of my thinking. the more troubling thing for me is settling on an avenue down which to walk.

on one hand, there’s corporate america: the cubicles, the lunch hours… the benefits, the bonuses. and on the other hand, there’s freelance: the autonomy, the potential… the lack of security, the necessary drive. having done the whole corporate america thing for 10 years, i’ve gotten it out of my system. i have no desire to go back to that type of environment. but freelancing scares the shit out of me!

one of the reasons i was let go from google (one i did not protest) was because of my lack of proactivity. i was great when it came to the day to day grunt or busy work of my job, but as far as creating and implementing projects of my own was concerned, i was a big zero (well, maybe a 1 or 2). i am way more comfortable handling tasks that land in my inbox than i am creating projects of my own. this raises a huge flag in my head when i think about my future. if there’s one job requirement for freelancing, it’s “being proactive.” i just get so frustrated sometimes. i know i have it in me to do pretty much anything, but i don’t believe in my abilities- what i know how to do, and what i could do given, say, a little bit of thinking. i feel so inadequate sometimes. like i don’t know enough to take on anything big. i have no idea where that came from, and it’s frustrating beyond measure because nothing is getting done.

it’s time for me to take my life into my own hands. make my own money and build my own legacy. but now, i have to face the one thing i’ve been afraid to do what seems like all my life. and i’m terrified! where do i start? what do i do? unable or maybe simply unafraid to answer those questions, i’ve spent most of the past few months locked up in my apartment writing, listening to music, or watching movies. i’m not afraid of the hard work that it takes to get my business off the ground, but my fear of rejection and not being good enough keeps me from grabbing life by the balls and taking control. i’ve got a great sales and client services background, but now want to transition into a career as an entertainment entrepreneur- join the likes of russell simmons and simon cowell. i want to break into an industry i know almost nothing about. down is now up all around me, and it would seem that like those who inspire me once did, i must now build myself from the ground up.

the book that i’m writing stands as a great platform on which to build my business. the challenge that now lies before me is shifting my frame of mind and my thinking to the point where i go out into the world and create opportunities for myself as opposed to waiting for things to find me. how do i even begin to do that? i know y’all got some suggestions…

today, i got both a push in the right direction as well as a serious reality check. i went to an information session for “made in new york”- an incentive program that offers television and film production training for applicants who are interviewed and selected. i came upon their flyer while dining at quiznos about a month ago, and was really excited about the possibility of learning something new. i’m always one to stop and watch any filming i run into on my walks through the city- why not learn what the production team does, make some amazing industry connections, and get one step closer to my dream? so i stepped up, and applied.

during the info session, i sat, smiled and nodded in almost complete terror as the realities of the freelance world (specifically that of a production assistant) were revealed to me. forget 9 to 5. you’re on call all-day, every day. you could get off of one set at 2 in the morning (after working a 12+ hour shift), and have a call time somewhere else 3 or 4 hours later. and you’re somebody’s bitch the whole time! it’s like an internship in that you’re gaining intense production and industry knowledge, but even better because you’re getting paid. what’s even more promissing are the opportunities to network and grow (often quite quickly, i’m told) from the moment you land on set. while i listened for 3 hours about the amazing 4-week program, my mind toggled between “oh hell yeah!” and “run, bitch. run!” the former from the possibilities, and the latter out of fear of the “grind.” but we all at some point have to face that.

although i’ve put in a great deal of work, i feel like things have come fairly easily to me in the past, and it’s now time for me to get my hustle on and show myself what i’m made of. i really hope that i get an interview with and selected into the made in ny program. though i’m scared of this entirely new direction my life is destined to take, i’m also incredibly excited about the opportunity and potential for success. a small part of me twinges when i think about the fact that i’m damn near 30 trying to break into an industry where average entry level is like, 20; but i find solace and inspiration in the fact that (a) i’m coming in with more intellecutal property than the average entry-level person, and (b) i am not the first person to start from scratch and reinvent themselves.

i do believe in myself, and am striving to better myself every single day. i’ve got a lot of hard work ahead of me, but the anticipation of learning and building keeps me motivated. i just pray for strength and guidance as i venture into my new, proactive, fun, and very busy lifestyle.

i lay here unemployed and scared, yet excited and hopeful looking up at the sky with a smirk on my face; and i press on… from the ground up.

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what in the inconsiderate hell?

will on August 25th, 2008

my “friend” smokestack and i made plans to hang out this evening. he called me this afternoon while i was chillin at home getting some stuff done, and told me about his day. he didn’t have a particularly good one, but that’s besides the point. he mentioned that he was tired, and that he was going to take a nap and would come over around 6:30.

6:30 came and went. 7:20 arrived, and my phone rang. it wasn’t the person i was expecting. in fact it was someone i barely know, and hadn’t anticipated seeing anytime soon. so i didn’t answer. about 2 minutes later my phone rang again, and smokestack was on the other end. we had the following conversation:

will: hello?
smokestack: hey, uh… can you let “diego” in? i’m on my-
will: excuse me? he’s downstairs now? i didn’t know he was comin’ over.
smokestack: yeah, uh…
will: where are you?
smokestack: i’m still at home. i have to get dressed, but i’ll be there soon.
will: *sigh* ok… bye *click*

the time is now 7:45… and smokestack is still not here.

awkward!

it’s like i’ve got battered friend syndrome. i take hit after hit, and just keep coming back for more! i must ponder this. why do i (still) let this person, or some people in general, treat me with such disrespect and inconsideration?

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that’s that crackhead cough right there, boy!

will on August 19th, 2008

i LUVS me some amy winehouse, but check out this video, y’all. my gurl told us what’s really hood at the 2:35 and 2:53 marks!

somebody please tell whitney houston to mail amy some coughdrops!

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today’s special: corn!

will on August 16th, 2008

this morning, i took advantage of the really warm, sunny weather, and went out for a walk around the neighborhood. while walking around ft. greene park, i ran into a huge outdoor grocer’s market. i wasn’t planning on buying anything- i just wanted to look around. but then i saw crates and crates of fresh, un-chucked corn labeled a sign that said:

sweet corn- 5 for $2.00

i think i screamed when i saw that sign! seriously, i love corn! i could eat corn every single day. especially, corn on the cob! i immediately walked to the table, grabbed a bag and went to town! i didn’t want to embarrass myself, so i stopped filling my bag after grabbing 10 ears of corn. but walking home, i kinda wished i bought more.

omg, i’m so friggin’ excited! mmmmm….corn!

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good job, jesus! – the “who whoulda thought” edition…

will on August 14th, 2008

i never really paid any attention to this guy when he first popped onto the scene- for starters, he was a kid. and although he was a cute little kid, he was annoying. little did i know that one day, i would come across a picture that would change my mind:

lil romeo got sexy as hell, didn’t he? i mean this came out of nowhere! he was just this short, bubblegum wrapper trying to compete with bow-wow, and then all of a sudden he’s like, a man. and a phyne one at that!

i never ever thought that i would look at a picture of lil’ romeo (is he still callin himself “lil”) and subsequently google search every image i could find to check out how great the good lawd has been to him. as ray-j would say, “shawty got gifts.” too bad his dad didn’t have anything to do with it.

see what i was saying about men in basketball shorts?

yeah… good job, jesus!

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i’m sorry. i couldn’t resist!

will on August 12th, 2008

how. u. doin’?

i’m sorry. really, i am. i didn’t want to do it! i heart ne-yo and his music- and i know he’s got that whole bachelor persona/image going on; but “how u doin’?” was the first thing that came to my mind when i saw this pic.

i’m not sayin’… but i’m just sayin’!

i tried not to write this post, man. real talk. i came across and saved the image almost 5 hours ago; and decided not to post it immediately due to the fact that i’m a fan- and plan on picking up the “year of the gentleman” album on day 1 of it’s release. however, in purging today’s desktop-saved images, i once again came across the many pixels of “aaaooooouuuwwww” that you’re giving me in this picture, and i just couldn’t resist sharing it with the masses.

please tell me… this is the work of ninja photoshop, right?

damn if i’m not tryin to get that body, though. i see many [many] more wii fit sessions in my future!

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these are a few of my favorite things…

will on August 12th, 2008

i absolutely love the summer! not just for the warm weather, happy people and fun events, but for the clothing (or lack thereof) that guys tend to wear when the weather gets warm. i’m specifically speaking about:

basketball shorts!

now this image doesn’t pinpoint my exact reason for loving [men in] basketball shorts during the summer, but taking a nice, salivating look at this moistening pic of chris brown and his hands should clear things up if you know what i mean (and i think you do)!

this summer, for me, has been filled with a parade of men in basketball shorts- most of them going commando. just letting it all hang and swang with every “i will fuck the shit outta you” step they take! i cannot tell you how many people, street signs, and mailboxes i’ve bumped into while staring down a basketball short-veiled slab of magic stick coming in my direction. i just can’t help myself. maybe i’m boy-crazy, or seeing things, or just need to have sex; but every time i leave my apartment, under the cover of my sunglasses, i’m treated to men and bulges of all different shapes and sizes.

i love to walk and to people watch, and recently, i find myself going for extra long strolls- using the cover of my sunglasses and beats of my ipod to appear “normal” or not to draw attention to myself or where i’m looking. in case you’re interested, the best gazing spots are in central park, and, of course, the west 4th street basketball courts in the village. niiice!

raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
men wearing b-ball shorts, they’ve got me smitten
bulges in various outlines and schemes
these are a few of my favorite things!

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hurry up and wait!

will on August 11th, 2008

this last month has been slow. really slow! i hate it when things aren’t busy. it really makes me feel like i’m not accomplishing anything. and that’s not good.

the book that i’m writing is out with the editors and therefore, out of my hands for a while. it’s left me almost feeling empty. i’ve been putting so much time and effort into writing it, and now that it’s being worked on by other’s, i find myself sitting in my apartment doing nothing but waiting for baby to come back home. i’m usually a really patient man, but i’m just so excited about the possibilities of this project that i just can’t wait til i have it back in my hands. but patience is a virtue.

i realized my problem (other than having to wait) the other day. i focus way too much energy into one thing or area, and not give any concentration to all the other great things in my life. for example- with my friends- i find myself almost taking turns with which people i concentrate on and hang with at any given time. one person will get a lot of my attention, and then when i’ve had enough, i’ll switch it to someone else. apparently, i do this in many areas of my life. i complain about not having things to do without realizing that a slight shift in focus could change all of that.

all of that said, i’ve decided to switch it up a bit. there are lots of other things that i could focus on while i wait for my baby’s return, lol. this beautiful brand new evolution of a man site for example. there’s been a bunch of things floating around in my head recently, and the fact that i’ve addressed not one of them here is just not acceptable. i also got back into something of a new workout routine- compliments of wii fit. don’t know if you’ve gotten the chance to take a look at it, but it’s brought a level of fun to working out that i never thought possible. i’m actually excited to work out now, lol.

in short, there are plenty of other things i could dive into.

[note to self: there's lots more work to do. while you hurry up and wait for the book, get off your ass and make some other shit pop off!]

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