Evolution Of A Man

it’s been pretty quiet around here. i know, and i’m sorry. in the past 4 months since the divine intervention, i’ve gotten to relax, re-asses, and begin to turn my life in a new direction; but i feel like i’ve gotten very little accomplished.

the book (i’m giving away nothing) is trucking along quite nicely, i’m working out more and trying to meet new people. i’m pretty happy! all of that is nice, but it’s bringing in no income. funds are beginning to run low, and i’ve (now more than ever) got the question, “what am i gonna do for money?” lingering in the forefront of my thinking. the more troubling thing for me is settling on an avenue down which to walk.

on one hand, there’s corporate america: the cubicles, the lunch hours… the benefits, the bonuses. and on the other hand, there’s freelance: the autonomy, the potential… the lack of security, the necessary drive. having done the whole corporate america thing for 10 years, i’ve gotten it out of my system. i have no desire to go back to that type of environment. but freelancing scares the shit out of me!

one of the reasons i was let go from google (one i did not protest) was because of my lack of proactivity. i was great when it came to the day to day grunt or busy work of my job, but as far as creating and implementing projects of my own was concerned, i was a big zero (well, maybe a 1 or 2). i am way more comfortable handling tasks that land in my inbox than i am creating projects of my own. this raises a huge flag in my head when i think about my future. if there’s one job requirement for freelancing, it’s “being proactive.” i just get so frustrated sometimes. i know i have it in me to do pretty much anything, but i don’t believe in my abilities- what i know how to do, and what i could do given, say, a little bit of thinking. i feel so inadequate sometimes. like i don’t know enough to take on anything big. i have no idea where that came from, and it’s frustrating beyond measure because nothing is getting done.

it’s time for me to take my life into my own hands. make my own money and build my own legacy. but now, i have to face the one thing i’ve been afraid to do what seems like all my life. and i’m terrified! where do i start? what do i do? unable or maybe simply unafraid to answer those questions, i’ve spent most of the past few months locked up in my apartment writing, listening to music, or watching movies. i’m not afraid of the hard work that it takes to get my business off the ground, but my fear of rejection and not being good enough keeps me from grabbing life by the balls and taking control. i’ve got a great sales and client services background, but now want to transition into a career as an entertainment entrepreneur- join the likes of russell simmons and simon cowell. i want to break into an industry i know almost nothing about. down is now up all around me, and it would seem that like those who inspire me once did, i must now build myself from the ground up.

the book that i’m writing stands as a great platform on which to build my business. the challenge that now lies before me is shifting my frame of mind and my thinking to the point where i go out into the world and create opportunities for myself as opposed to waiting for things to find me. how do i even begin to do that? i know y’all got some suggestions…

today, i got both a push in the right direction as well as a serious reality check. i went to an information session for “made in new york”- an incentive program that offers television and film production training for applicants who are interviewed and selected. i came upon their flyer while dining at quiznos about a month ago, and was really excited about the possibility of learning something new. i’m always one to stop and watch any filming i run into on my walks through the city- why not learn what the production team does, make some amazing industry connections, and get one step closer to my dream? so i stepped up, and applied.

during the info session, i sat, smiled and nodded in almost complete terror as the realities of the freelance world (specifically that of a production assistant) were revealed to me. forget 9 to 5. you’re on call all-day, every day. you could get off of one set at 2 in the morning (after working a 12+ hour shift), and have a call time somewhere else 3 or 4 hours later. and you’re somebody’s bitch the whole time! it’s like an internship in that you’re gaining intense production and industry knowledge, but even better because you’re getting paid. what’s even more promissing are the opportunities to network and grow (often quite quickly, i’m told) from the moment you land on set. while i listened for 3 hours about the amazing 4-week program, my mind toggled between “oh hell yeah!” and “run, bitch. run!” the former from the possibilities, and the latter out of fear of the “grind.” but we all at some point have to face that.

although i’ve put in a great deal of work, i feel like things have come fairly easily to me in the past, and it’s now time for me to get my hustle on and show myself what i’m made of. i really hope that i get an interview with and selected into the made in ny program. though i’m scared of this entirely new direction my life is destined to take, i’m also incredibly excited about the opportunity and potential for success. a small part of me twinges when i think about the fact that i’m damn near 30 trying to break into an industry where average entry level is like, 20; but i find solace and inspiration in the fact that (a) i’m coming in with more intellecutal property than the average entry-level person, and (b) i am not the first person to start from scratch and reinvent themselves.

i do believe in myself, and am striving to better myself every single day. i’ve got a lot of hard work ahead of me, but the anticipation of learning and building keeps me motivated. i just pray for strength and guidance as i venture into my new, proactive, fun, and very busy lifestyle.

i lay here unemployed and scared, yet excited and hopeful looking up at the sky with a smirk on my face; and i press on… from the ground up.