Evolution Of A Man

some people go for the bad guys. some, for the wealthy ones. me? i go for the unavailable. those guys that for whatever reason, are not interested in me- but whom i chase and chase in the hopes that their mind and feelings will change. even more upsetting is the fact that most of them, in the end, prove uneligible to be my partner in the first place. but still, i persist.

i don’t know why i continue to do this. i mean, there must be some part of me that’s enjoying the rejection and embarrassment of practically throwing myself at these people- otherwise, i wouldn’t do it. there’s something in me that craves being desired so bad that i end up time and time again setting my mind aside in search of some caress of my heart and emotions.

i got an instant message from smokestack inviting me over this evening, and, like the lap-dog i tend to be with him, i ran over to hang out, eat, and chat with him. i did this despite the lack of friendship and consideration i get from him, and despite any other plans i had for the evening. all because i’m crushing on someone who’s (although we’ve hooked up in the past) made it clear that he’s no longer interested; but in my mind is just waiting for me to approach him the right way. we had a good time- watching a movie, and tuning in to barack obama’s speech. the purpose of my going over there was for us to enjoy each others company and put smiles on our faces. that we did. but of course, i was hoping for more… in the end, i got up and left after sitting by myself for 40 minutes while he paraded around the apartment on the phone- cleaning here and there, laughing, and forgetting i was even in the room. when i got up, he made a comment about my leaving to the person he was talking to- to which i replied, “well you’re really into your conversation, so i’m going home.” apparently, it was someone he hadn’t spoken to in a while- we all know what that’s like. but ignoring someone you asked to come over to cheer you up is quite rude. so i left.

walking home, i berated myself for putting myself through so much bullshit for something that’s not really worth it to begin with- not just in this situation, but with all the guys i chase and many friends as well. i also, during the walk, monologued about how rude i felt he was, and how i felt cheated for his not being into me to the point of getting something started. we work for the most part well as friends, but i wanted him to initiate something, and when he did not, i became unhappy. i just have such a strong yearning to be desired, needed and accepted; and i way too often compromise my values or whatnot in order to gain some type of affection (particularly romantic) from the people i surround myself with. and for some reason, despite all the reasons i have to act otherwise, i can’t get enough of being around him.

i’ve been diving back into eckhart tolle’s “a new earth” again, and i recently came upon a passage that had me mark “WOW” almost instantly.

do you often experience a feeling of discontent that could be best described as a kind of background resentment? many people spend a large part of their lives in that state. they are so identified with it taht they cannot stand back and see it. underlying that feeling are certain unconsciously held beliefs, that is to say, thoughts…

whenever there is unhappiness in the background of your life (or even in the foreground), you can see which of these thoughts applies and fill in your own content according to your personal situation:

“there is something that needs to happen in my life before i can be at peace (happy, fullfilled, etc.). and i resent that it hasn’t happened yet. maybe my resentment will finally make it happen…”

often the unconscious beliefs are directed toward a person and so “happening” becomes “doing”:

“you should do this or that so that i can be at peace. and i resent that you haven’t done it yet. maybe my resentment will make you do it.”

i couldn’t help but to pause when i read this. i mean, i walk through my life upset that i don’t have companionship- thinking that if i did, i’d be happy. and then on top of that, i resent smokestack for not initiating something after all i’ve done for him. it’s sad, i know… but these are the holes we sometimes fall into. i know i don’t want to be in a relationship with him, but i keep chasing him anyway, and then get mad when i feel my needs aren’t met. and i can’t figure out what to do.

i fear that my desire for companionship is reaching a level of desperation that will, if i’m not careful, lead me to enter into an unhealthy partnership. sometimes, i feel like i’ll run away with the first guy who shows me some real affection- just ‘cuz i can’t get it anywhere and from anyone else. i’ve never had a boyfriend, and, being a huge romantic, i want to be boo’ed up! but for now, the universe has other plans.

i really have to get it together. i’m losing myself- too busy giving it all away to other people…

stop the madness!