a better friendship rising out of the flames…
will on September 17th, 2008
it’s no secret that in the past, i’ve had concerns and apprehensions about my friendship with smokestack. i’ve felt that he’s been inconsiderate about my time and space, and abusive of my money and good nature. all of this has led me to resent him more and more as time has gone by. i used those feelings as examples of our friendship without taking responsibility in my part of the drama. throughout the past year or so, we’ve hooked up a couple of times, and i interpreted that to equal some kind of relationship. i realize now that in creating that false reality, i cheated the both of us out of a real friendship.
a few weeks ago the shit hit the fan. our frustrations boiled to a max, we pretty much let each other have it over an instant messenger conversation that left us not speaking to each other. sitting in my apartment stewing i, for a while, paced back and forth cursing his name and the day i ever met him. then, i really began to think about our situation- specifically, my behavior.
when i think about it, someone could probably write a movie out of all the shit i’ve put that boy through in the last year or so. don’t get me wrong- i’m in no way taking all of the blame for the state of our friendship… he did plenty, but i really pushed some buttons. and at the end of the day, i have to take responsibility for it. since the beginning, i’ve had an attraction to him. one that i thought was based on love, but in reality, was just based on a need for affection. i supposed i used him just as much as he used me, but i am just now beginning to see the toil that both of our bullshit has taken on us being friends.
plain and simple, i was looking for a companion. someone i could be affectionate with and who could match me on levels of intimacy and life. unfortunately, smokestack could not provide that for me. and despite his telling me so on several occasions, in my head, i thought i could change it… change him. now, i know better. i wrote to him explaining the conclusion that i had come to regarding my behavior, and apologized for any drama that i caused. i also asked that we talk.
we both didn’t want our friendship to end, but we also agreed that things had to change in order for it to get better. the conclusion was that we start over. not forget about the past, but move on- friendship intact- with the understanding of potential pitfalls and red flags. we both now understand what it is we should and should not ask from each other. he’s a really great guy with a great future ahead of him, and i’d really hate to lose his friendship over something so stupid as my delusional imagination. in the past couple of weeks since, we’ve had a really good time hanging out as friends. no extra shit. we appreciate each other more that way… and we laugh more, too! 
