Evolution Of A Man

one of the things i always keep in mind throughout my life is to expect the unexpected. life loves to throw us a few surprises here and there. last night, i got a call from my mother… my uncle, her brother, passed away the night before.

our conversation was short as she was quite upset and needed to lie down. i gave her my condolences, and told her to let me know if she needed anything. i wasn’t particularly close to this uncle nor did I know him well; but by the sadness in her voice I could tell this was a big one.

while watching a movie last night, i got another call from my mom. i could tell she had been crying- somethig i’ve only once seen her do (when i left for college). she explained that she’s apparently the next of kin, and so the duty lies upon her to bury her brother and settle his affairs… and she needs my help.

the decision to help her was almost immediate. almost. i’m really freaked out about death and when she said that she would need me to meet her in texas for 2 weeks to bury the dead and clean house i didn’t know what to say. i told her that i would check my schedule and see what I could do; but i really needed to take some time to process. i knew i was going- there was no question about that- but i just had a whole lot of emotions flowing through me about being around sadness and death for such a long period of time.

i’m really scared. like i said before- i don’t really do well around death, and i’m sure i’ve never seen my mom as sad as i will see her in the next 2 weeks. this trip will require a strength and courage from me that I’m not quite sure I’m ready for. i have to be strong for my mom while we pack up her brothers life- all the while reminded of how temporary life is. that just really frightens me. it’s not that I’m afraid to die… i’m just afraid of dying too early.

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i sat and thought about my reluctance for a minute and realized that perhaps i’m just really scared of putting myself out there to experience something new. death and sadness aside, i get like this a lot when i’m faced with a new challenge. i get overwhelmed with not knowing what to do and not knowing how to handle the circumstances before me. so i look for reasons to avoid taking action- in this case, my not wanting to feel sad or depressed about death.

i really need to re-assess my frame of thinking when it comes to trying and doing something new- especially when it comes to stepping outside of my comfort zone. although i may have a rough two weeks ahead of me, i know i’ll survive it. even more, i know i’ll come from it having learned somethig new about life, and possibly myself. so there really is nothing to be fearful of. uncomfortable, maybe; but afraid? no.