since the thanksgiving holiday, i’ve gotten a huge boost of energy and drive when it comes to getting nye media off the ground. watching “charlie and the chocolate factory” after dinner led to inspired thought, which sent me straight to my computer- jotting down ideas, and creating plans for 2009.
when it comes to my book, “evolution of a man: a journal of self-discovery,” i’ve come to the conclusion that i’d like to give self-publishing a try. releasing through a major publishing company would be absolutely amazing, don’t get me wrong; but, in the end, i would still have to do most of the work, and would really only be using them for their name. since everything else i’m doing revolves around creating a name for myself, why should this book effort be any different? i’ve heard a lot about iUniverse- a self-publishing company, and am looking into working with them.
earlier this month i met with publisher and author, steven fullwood, and he gave me the sage piece of advice to create a marketing plan for the book. so many authors put all their eggs in one basket so to speak, believing that the content alone is enough to sell their work- “the book will sell itself!” steven impressed upon me the importance of knowing my target market, and creating a plan that reaches them effectively and from all sides of the globe.
although he gave me this information almost a month ago, i’ve been very stalled in actually putting it together. i really just didn’t know where to begin. it took me a really long time to put the book into a category as opposed to targeting everyone on the planet. i settled on “gay african american,” and am writing the plan to target black gay men. even though i feel that anyone who reads the book will gain inspiration, it does tell the story of a black gay youth transitioning into manhood. so, really, choosing the category should have been easy. my little thanksgiving jolt this weekend got me moving again, and after doing a bit of research, i came across a really helpful marketing guide for self-publishers. for anyone on the same journey, here is a brief outline overview:
how do i formulate a selling plan?
step one: target your audience! who are they? where do they shop? how can they be reached?
i am finding this outline very useful and helpful, and my plan is coming along quite nicely so far. about a week ago, i contracted an editor to review my manuscript for grammar and content- so now is really the perfect time to start outlining my goals. the edits are due back by december 20th, so i’ve given myself a december 19th deadline for my marketing plan.
when it comes to my sexual evolution, saying “it’s been slow” would be quite the understatement. i lost my virginity at 26- way later than i would have liked; and since, have only really had sex once or twice a year. i’m approaching my 30th birthday next year, and when it comes to sex, my experience can be likened to that of a young high school boy. a porn fan for years, i know plenty about the mechanics, but not from experience because i don’t get it that often. as such, my friends- most of whom have way more sex than i do- often have to clue a brutha in on some of the must have essentials. things only people having sex would know about. case in point:
the fleet enema: an “at home” colon cleanse!
now, i’ve heard of these mutha’s before, but only in reference to some sort of constipation. i recently had a conversation with a few friends on why having this little jimi-jam tucked away in your bathroom somewhere is vital. especially for anyone interested in being on the receiving end of some magic stick. it’s like the perfect at home prep to ensure that when you do the do, you’ll avoid the poo!
i went out and bought one the other day; but ended up setting it aside and have been staring at it or thinking about it every time i enter the bathroom. although it would be much appreciated, there is and has been no sex around these parts for some time now- since april, to be exact. stemming off the friendly advice that it’s good to flush the pipe regularly in the anticipation that sex will come soon, i unpacked one of my two-pack bottles, and went to work. i made sure to empty out the laxative liquid inside- it’s really not that serious- and refill the bottle with water. then, i simply laid on my side, and well, you know…
it actually wasn’t that bad. for starters, we all know the familiar substances and smells that come with taking a shit. in addition, i’ve gone for colon cleanses before- this was just a much more personal one. either way, the path to my g-spot is clear. it’s been a long time since i last got down, and frankly, i need to be fucked. so if the events of today help aligned the shakra’s of sex in my favor, then i’m all about it.
ya learn something new every day, right? who woulda thought today’s lesson would be anal douching!
it’s been so long since i’ve posted anything here that my wordpress account needed a reminder as to who i am… i apologize!
after having a pretty nasty stomach virus thing- that pretty much wiped me out for the better part of a week- i’m back in action as your local media entrepreneur. i must admit though, despite having recovered sometime over the weekend (it’s now wednesday), i still couldn’t get myself to do anything productive. i have an assload of work to do- including finding a job and preparing a plan and marketing materials for my book; but i really haven’t gotten anything done. aside from an interview here and there, i’ve remained almost completely stagnant when it comes to book and career promotion.
i doubt myself too much. i believe in what it is that i’m trying to accomplish, and even further, believe in what i have created thus far; but i still find myself asking, “who wants to listen to me? what do i have to offer?” because of this, the mountain of work on my desk never gets smaller, and the ideas swirling around in my head never get implemented, or even drafted.
i went to see dr. eye candy yesterday, and as usual, he helped me sort through my problem. the frustrations and fears i have about my life and myself right now are totally normal. sure, i may be pushing them to the extreme (as i tend to do everything in my life), but the fact that they exist at all only prove that i’m human. my problem isn’t so much doubting myself as it is my lack of discipline and drive. most people choose to work for someone else because they lack the discipline, determination and motivation it takes to build a business of their own. not everyone can be an entrepreneur. taking an idea and building a company from scratch is an incredibly daunting task that very few people (in comparison to the worlds population) are able or willing to do. so they abandon their dreams, and settle for a life of punching in to mr. boss man’s time clock. i’ve already made the decision to be more than somebody’s employee… i just have to now apply myself!
if i am to be the success and inspiration that i dream to be, then at some point i am going to have to suck it all up- the fear, frustration, and doubt- and get to work. i am the only one who can make this happen- make my dreams come true. i have to force myself to live a work life that is conducive to my ascension and success in media. it’s incredibly hard work, but there is no other option for greatness. only 120% discipline and drive will do. nothing less!
part of the opening credits for bravo tv’s “the real housewives of atlanta” show one of the wives, deshawn asserting, “i always knew i was destined for greatness.” waiting for the much talked about reunion show, i’m watching the atlanta housewives marathon, and every time i hear her utter those words, i say to myself, “ME TOO!”
i’ve always felt this way- ever since i was a little kid. i just believe that i have something really incredible and astounding inside me to share with the world; and that i was born to do great and amazing things. some people wake up in the morning and roll into their day content with their normalcy. i am not one of those people! i wake up every morning wanting to be more than i was the day before. even further, i await the day when i can share my joy, my personality and my talent with the world at large.
at this point in my life, i’m ready to make some moves and get this show on the road. since being let go from google, i’ve thrown myself into building a little business- a media company- of my own. things are quite difficult, of course, because i’m creating it all from scratch, with no money, and with only my instincts to guide me. there have been many other people, all over the world, who have created empires from coins and ideas, and i fully plan on adding myself to that list. my premier product is a strong, thought-provoking and groundbreaking piece of work that i believe many will connect with and be inspired by. that’s all i need for now. my goal is to use the success of the book (and it will be a #1 best-seller), to create a name for myself in media and entertainment; and then keep on building from there.
now, i’m not gonna sit here and pretend that i’m not scared. i’m scared shitless! i don’t know much about the business of media; i don’t know many people in the industry; and, on a more personal level, i struggle with self-confidence and not knowing how to properly network. all of that becomes so overwhelming at times that i end up not getting anything done and never leave my apartment. “can i really do this,” i ask to myself? “am i really cut out to be a huge media personality?” i ask these questions and more on almost a daily basis, and, every time, all answers point to “yes.” i just need to believe in myself and my abilities, and carry that spirit around with me everywhere i go.
i know i am destined for greatness; and as b. scott says, “my steps are ordered by God,” so i’m not worried. not worried at all! i have faith in Him and in myself; and with a little effort and a lot of hard work, i will, in a few years’ time, be a force to be reckoned with in media and entertainment. let’s go!
i partied a bit too hard this weekend. my friday night and saturday afternoon extra-curricular activites resulted in a 13-hour romp of sweet regurgitated love-making with my toilet. not exactly my proudest moment.
i awoke sunday morning, still reeling from the intoxication, and tried to soothe my agitated insides with a bowl of chicken noodle soup. my stomach was still tossing and turning, and my head was no longer spinning, but pounding on both sides. i couldn’t finish the soup out of feeling like i was going to vomit again, so i put the bowl aside, grabbed a pillow, and plopped down on the couch- praying to God- and tried to get some rest. later on in the day i was able to stomach half a bowl of leftover wild rice with pork sausage; but again, feeling queasy, i wasn’t able to finish. as the day turned into night, i hadn’t moved from my spot on the couch, and felt only slightly better. i gave up around 8pm, and after watching beyonce open up the trl finale on mtv, i went straight to bed.
i still have a head and stomach ache this morning (with an additional sore throat), but i’m pretty sure it’s due to malnourishment. part of me really wants to eat something, but at the same time, i’m not sure if i can get a full meal down the hatch safely, and without it reappearing later on today. i’ve had a couple mugs of green tea, and am pondering a little eggs, toast and orange juice action. if i can gather up the energy and courage to face the 43 degree weather outside and go to the store, then i shall have great success.
i’m set a bit at ease knowing that i’m not the only one going through all this madness right now. my facebook homepage this morning is riddled with friend statuses revealing just how sick practically everyone is now that the weather is starting to turn. i wish us all a very speedy recovery- this queasyness is no joke!
last night, i attended the phatt house label launch party at katra. i got an excited text from my girl, rainah (an artist noted on flier above) asking me to be there, and i thought it to be a great opportunity to both practice my social and networking skills and reconnect with big drawz music group. so i got my ish together, and, for the first time in months, went to a party.
i got to the half-full lounge around 9:30, and after heading straight to the bar for a drink, i walked around taking in the scenery and perusing the crowd. i get really weird at straight parties. i’m not used to them. the majority, if not all, of the clubs and parties i’ve been to since moving to NY have been gay. so when walking into a straight environment, i tense up, and shrink. drink in hand, i found a spot on a couch across from the bar, and chair-danced while looking over the crowd.
while sipping and gazing, i pondered what i could possibly say to the many people standing around. how could i possibly introduce myself? what do i say? this is where i have problems- starting a conversation. usually, i’ll bounce into conversation after being introduced to someone by a friend; but i didn’t know anyone there- rainah and tenesha (of big drawz) hadn’t yet arrived. after a while, someone ended up sitting down next to me- i had to step up. he asked me which artist i was there for, and from there, i introduced myself and continued the conversation. see, i’m great once the ice is broken. i just haven’t yet learned how to break the ice. one topic of conversation led to another, which eventually led to an exchange of cards and a new contact. that felt good. liberating in a way. i was assured that hey, i can actually do this!
pretty soon rainah and tenesha arrived. there were big hugs all around, and then we headed up to the vip section. walking behind them up the stairs- to the section that held the rest of the artists and their managers, etc.- i was filled with a variety of emotions. i was incredibly excited to be there- this was, after all, my first “industry” party (as c or d-list as it might have been). there was some residual straight party anxiety, but most of it was tempered by my gold medal social performance 15 minutes before. i took a seat and settled into the crowd, smiling at people i recognized, and enjoying the moment.
throughout the rest of the night, i opened myself up to starting conversation with several people sitting near me, and partying like the rock star i am (nothing too crazy, i promise!). i got a couple of business cards and gave a few out as well. the biggest networking plus for me was when i met someone from a music website and, acting as tenesha’s assistant, made the introduction between him, tenesha and rainah. then, i started a conversation about the music contact interviewing rainah and big drawz music group. i don’t know what i was thinking with all that talk about not knowing how to network. pssshhhh!
smells like progress, people. i love it! now, i just need a breakthrough in breaking the ice…
by now, i’m sure you’ve all seen bow wow’s sex scene from entourage. if not, or if, like me, you’d love to watch it again for the umpteenth time, here it is:
you have NO IDEA how much i want to be in place of that woman on top of him! seriously. lil’ bow wow done gone and grown up! he used to be this scrawny little kid rapper that garnered nothing but “awwww” from me. and then, all of a sudden, he dropped the “lil,” and unleashed his sexy!
i have a big thing for eyes- especially one’s that lay outside the usual blue, black or brown. his eyes alone warm my little hot pocket. on top of that, he put on some muscle! being a member of the bird-chest gene pool myself, i revel in the beauty and sculpted goodness that he’s got going for himself. it’s also a great reminder of what is possible if i were to really hit the gym like i’m supposed to.
all in all, bow wow is one incredibly orgasmic young man! i don’t know much about his personal anything (although you know i’d love to), but from what i’ve been seeing of him recently, my fantasies have gotten far more exciting… and intense, lol.
good job, jesus!
oh, and notable mention to his probable boyfriend, omarion. it’s his birfday today. not sure what’s going on between those two, but i do have the following picture on my vision board under the reflection of my life- boyfriends!
since its debut, i haven’t been much of a noah’s arc fan. aside from the characters being black gay men, i really didn’t connect with any of them as people very much. so, when the decision was made to take the logo television series to the big screen, i asked, “what the hell for?”
the movie was released, here in new york, in late october. i wasn’t interested in going to see it (almost at all), however i really wanted to support the movement. after all, i am an individual, building a career in media, whose mission in life is to motivate, help, and inspire all members of the urban gay community to live their lives proudly, and without fear. “noah’s arc: jumping the broom” is a tremendous accomplishment for our community, and should be supported! so when a friend offered to go see it with me, i jumped at the opportunity.
dare i say it… i really liked it!
“jumping the broom” picks up on noah & wade’s romance and impending nuptials on a ferry boat headed to martha’s vineyard. in the first four minutes, serenaded by solange’s “sandcastle disco” (god, i love that song), we are reintroduced to the colorful and flamboyant cast of characters we have grown to love- noah and his questionable wardrobe; ricky and his trick of the day; chance and eddie; alex and his effervescence; and, finally, wade and his glorious sexy! from the jump (no pun intended), it becomes very obvious that we are in for a wild ride.
contrary to what i anticipated when taking my seat, “jumping the broom” is a movie that we all can be proud of! amidst the usual intermediate acting and “hey gur’” dialogue to which we’ve grown accustomed in the series; the movie tackles several issues of black gay love and relationships that, to date, no one else has had the balls to cover. most notable to me were a diatribe from wade on the mental and emotional complexities of being a masculine man falling for a more feminine or flamboyant one; and a well written conversation (also with wade) discussing the labels “top” and “bottom.”
the movie adopts a typical rushed wedding “are we really ready for this” formula; however, the aforementioned topics and adjoining hilarity from the black gay perspective is well worth the ticket cost. i came away from the movie ready to fall in love, a bit wiser about life and relationships, and very proud of my community. noah’s arc: jumping the broom is a hilarious, romantic, and, at times, thought-provoking movie that finally, in my opinion, earns the accolade series creator patrick ian polk has proclaimed from the beginning… groundbreaking!
i seem to have a problem with silence in social settings. yesterday, i hung out, separately, with two friends- one i’ve known for a while, and the other i met recently. in both meetings, i couldn’t stay quiet. it’s like that with everyone, really. i get uncomfortable when i’m hanging out with others- especially in my apartment- and things get quiet. so i just start talking, or think of something random to say to keep the conversation going.
it’s probably because i’m always thinking about the moment more than i’m living in the moment. the wheels of my mind are always turning, and i’m just way too connected with what’s going on up there. i get lost in my thoughts of “why is no one saying something? is he bored? should i be saying something?” that i just start bringing up whatever is on my mind, or talking about something that i’m doing just to fill the silence.
i’m not going to over-analyzing why i believe i engage in this behavior. i already know why. but i just wanted to point out that i’m now aware of it. aware of my living in my head as opposed to the moment in spending time with my friends. i’m also aware of how i fill silence with with more “me.” and now that i know, i can focus more of my energy on enjoying the company of people i encounter, as opposed to continuously moving the moment along.
ok, here’s the deal. a year ago, i started a personal photo project with a photographer friend of mine. it was a photo time capsule- a pictorial collage noting my style and workout progress for the year. i used my photo shoots to express who i was as person at the time, and to learn how to be comfortable in front of a camera. unfortunately for me, my friend moved to san francisco earlier this year, and so i was unable to complete the project.
last week smokestack came over and, while we were drinking and talking, he offered to take some pictures of me with my digital camera. i recently did a bit of shopping, and he noted that this was the perfect opportunity to do a little promo shoot for “evolution of a man.” i thought it a good idea, so i went to my closet and put a couple outfits together. i was really excited and ready to go… until i got in front of the camera.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING!
i froze. completely solid. i have all the animation and energy in the world under normal circumstances, but when my friend started snapping away, i had no idea what to do. i was posing all over the place looking unnatural and weird. didn’t know what to do with my hands; what my face should look like; how i should move my body…nothing!
*sigh*
i can’t even look at some of these. smokestack kept telling me that i was “giving him nothing” and all i could reply was, “i don’t know what to give.” lol. the one thing that became quite apparent (at least to me) throughout the entire shoot was that i’m incredibly uncomfortable in my skin. and to be honest, i’ve always felt that way. i’ve never been very free with my body at all. i’m always super conscious of just about every body part and what it’s doing. especially my hands. if you were to come across me walking down the street, you would see me fidgeting with my clothes, switching the placement of my hands and arms, and looking from side to side checking for anyone who might have noticed my discomfort. i just don’t know what to do with my body. period.
maybe it’s because i don’t like my body. maybe it’s because i don’t really think i’m anything worth looking at or photographing. it’s weird. i like being in front of the camera- hell, i love it; but i never know what to do or how to act. it’s like i try to be someone better than myself in front of the camera. almost like i’ve been doing this for years and am a pro at it…except i’m not. i’m so not! in my head i think “every shot must be perfect-” putting so much pressure on myself that i end up falling flat. today, i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror while dancing and playing around in my living room and all i could think was, “now, why can’t i bring this energy and confidence to life when i’m in front of the camera?” i know i have it in me to let go and allow my natural exuberance to show up on camera. i just have to take the time to find it, and bring it out!
the shoot the other day wasn’t all bad, though. there were a few shots that i really liked:
see, will… you can take some nice pics!
smokestack and i talked about my “modeling” a bit more, and he agreed to help me on my new journey of getting comfortable in my own skin. we’re going to do more shoots in the future- both in my apartment and out in the city- and he’s going to coach me on being myself in front of the camera, and allowing my spirit to come through naturally. i’m really excited. i know i’ve got a long way to go, and that it really starts with me believing in myself; but i’m confident i will get there soon. i want this [to be a media personality] so fucking bad! i know i will be a great role model and inspiration to many around the world- all i need is a little training and practice. the rest is up to me.
onward and upward, kiddies! i got lots of work to do. anyone have any tips?
will on November 30th, 2008
