but it won’t let go…
will on November 2nd, 2008
love is on the way
all I got to say
is it wont let go
you can pray to early may
fast for 30 days
still It wont let go
got a good book and got all in it
tried a little yoga for a minute
but it wont let go (oooh)
tried to turn the sauna up hotter
drank a whole jar of holy water
but it wont let go
~erykah badu “i want you”
while i wouldn’t call what i’m feeling love, these words certainly reflect the desire i have for someone in my life. about 2 years ago i met a guy. he was sexy, fun and charismatic, and i fell for him. hard! in retrospect, i believe i fell so quickly because he felt like a boyfriend. i’ve never had one before, and he was the first in my life to ever treat me as such. like a couple who’d been together for years, we spent most of our evenings at home cooking, watching movies and listening to music. although we never had sex, we hooked up on a number of occasions- one of which resulted in the best orgasm i’ve ever had. unfortunately, we remained nothing more than friends.
our relationship has changed in the past year or so, but we still remain connected and, for the most part, pretty close. what hasn’t changed is my desire for him. i go crazy because every time i’m around him this thing that i can’t even explain takes over me- and all i want is to do for him, lie with him, and never leave. i change plans that were previously cemented, engage in conversations i usually ignore, and find myself staring at him uncontrollably and without remorse. i admit that i’m more sexually attracted to him than i am mentally or emotionally- which perhaps may be my problem; and despite my attempts to let him go and put distance between us and my feelings, i keep coming back in the hopes that my feelings and desires will be returned.
have you ever felt this way? felt such intense desire for someone that you did crazy things and conceded in many ways just to be with him and keep him in your life? and for what? i mean, do you really get anything out of it in the end? for as much time, money and energy i’ve put into getting this guy to like and want me like i want him, i can count on one hand the number of times those efforts have garnered any reciprocation. we’ve both agreed that we most certainly wouldn’t work as boyfriends in any way shape or form- we’re just on 2 completely different levels- but that doesn’t stop me from wanting and trying to get him, and from him teasing me with just how sexy and good a lay he is. it’s terribly frustrating and torturous! but something in me must love it, right? ‘cuz it’s incredibly hard to let go.
i just want to be loved… i wish i could find it without having to give so much and reduce myself to so little.
