this week, for the first time since april, i was momentarily employed; and it felt incredible. on monday i got a call from the adecco employment agency. they had a small conference gig at a hilton hotel in manhattan that they needed to fill quickly. the assignment was to assist in the registration process for the american college of cardiology on both thursday and friday this week. thursday, 2:30 – 7pm; friday 6 – 10am. it stung a little bit when 6am rung through my ears, but we all know how times are hard right now. work is work, and money is money; so i jumped at the opportunity.
i arrived at the hotel on thursday with a smile on my face, and excitement in my heart. it felt really great to have somewhere to go and something to do. i was so ready to work. i stood with the other 3 or 4 temps that were there, and got my instructions for registering the conference attendees- it was going to be a pretty easy couple of days. the task was simple. for anyone with a last name beginning with “c,” “d,” or “e,” i was to hand them their packet, explain a few conference details, and then send them to the next registration station. checking in the first 2 or 3 registrants was a bit shaky for me as i found my footing- what to say and how to say it- but after that, it was smooth sailing.
as you can imagine, the day was pretty relaxed. not many people registered on thursday, so i spent most of the time chatting and laughing with the other temps around me. it felt really good to be out in the world again. really good! i felt like a contributing member of society again. friday was definitely busier, but was just as great a day, if not better. waking up at 4:30 in the morning was hard, but again, when i got to the hotel i was more than ready, and very excited, to get to work. day two was a lot busier- which i thoroughly enjoyed. i love being busy… especially when i like what i’m doing. there was still a lot of down time; which gave way to more mingling with the other temps and conference staff. what really lightened my heart was all the laughter. i laughed more these past 2 days than i have in the last 2 months. finding some semblance of happiness again really took my mood to another level. and there’s nothing like being happy!
i seriously hope that this marks a new era of both work and happiness for me. i would love to find something full time (in the entertainment industry, of course), and also bring some busy-busy to my personal business and movement as well. i just want to get back on my feet. the feeling of being back at it was almost indescribable. i’m simply asking for more of that. much more!
its generally said that the holidays can be very difficult because it’s the time of the year when we tend to look at our lives through a magnifying glass. everything we lack or don’t have seems that much harder to deal with- especially this year with the current economy.
as christmas draws closer and closer, i find myself becoming increasingly depressed and sad. for the first time in my life, i cannot afford christmas this year. my mom offered me ticket home, and i accepted, but all i can really offer this year is my presence- i can’t put anything under the tree, and i dont have any desire to receive anything either. i have no job, am struggling to pay bills, and feel like i’ve hit rock bottom. the happiest of christmas jingles almost bring tears to my eyes. i am very grateful for my health and having a roof over my head, everyday i feel more and more like my life is slowly slipping away from me. six months ago i was happy and somewhat fulfilled, and now i barely recognize myself.
i’ve had a lot of time to think about how i got here, and what lessons i can take into my future to prevent returning to this poor and frustrated state. the biggest, most impactful lesson i’ve learned is the importance of proper budgeting. i’m pretty good with saving money, but when it comes to budgeting, i’m a mess! life was good until my savings ran out; and in the months since, my finances got shot to hell. i am only just now beginning to budget my tiny, but very useful unemployment check. at the end of the day, i have no money, and my bills are slowly and barely getting paid; but such is the result of poor money management. when God blesses me with a well-paying job again (hopefully very soon), trust me when i say there will be a serious budget involved!
i’ve had some very hard pillsto swallow this year, and i’m trying my best to keep my head up despite them. i can only pray that things will get better soon. until then, i’m begging for mercy. what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger, right?
one of the great things about my life are the people that i’ve come to know and call my friends. one person in particular has, through the years, been something of a spiritual guide for me. whenever the pressures and stresses of life start to weigh on me, he’s always there to help me strip away all the bullshit and see life for what it really is. after having a particularly hard weekend, i found myself chatting with him yesterday, and he brought up the subject of meditation.
spirit guide is probably the most enlightened person i know. he practices meditation on daily basis, and has been trying to get me to give it a go for a good 2 or 3 years now. it’s always been something that i’ve wanted to make a part of my daily routine, but for some reason, i just couldn’t get myself to sit still long enough to meditate. at this point in my life, my mind is a cluster-fuck of thoughts, emotions, worry, doubt, fear, and uncertainty. realizing this, spirit guide offered using meditation to calm my mind and get it to work for me and not against me. he suggested that i pick up “turning the mind into an ally” by sakyong mipham. it’s an introduction to meditation- written in plain english- that teaches the proper practices and techniques of meditation; resulting in a calm mind and peaceful abiding.
after reading a few chapters this morning, i decided to give it a try. i placed a chair in the center of the room, sat upright in it, closed my eyes and tried as best i could to focus on my breathing. that’s all meditation is, really. sitting still and focusing on the breath. it may sound simple, but it’s actually a bit complicated to do when you’re first starting out. i breathed in and out very slowly- at times counting my breath- and tried to align my thoughts with my breathing. it would work for a second, and then a single thought would pop into my head; which, of course, led to a snowballing of other random thoughts and emotions. the trick was to, at these moments, acknowledge that i was thinking, release the thought, and return my mind to my breathing. it’s funny because up to this point, what’s kept me from meditating is not knowing what i’m supposed to be thinking about during meditation. the trick is to think about absolutely nothing. just breathing. staying relaxed and aware.
the 12 minutes that i set aside to meditate went by much faster than i thought they would. when my alarm went off, i was actually a bit shocked that it was already over. funny how time flies sometimes. i did feel much more relaxed than when i started, however, i have a long way to go in terms of reaching any point of clarity or peaceful abiding. today was a good start, though. as i keep reading and meditating, i’m sure many more techniques will be revealed that will allow me to fully center myself, and begin to live a happy, fulfilling life. so thanx, sakyong mipham. and thank you, spirit guide!
i’m struggling right now. like, really struggling. and not just financially, like everyone else; i’m struggling mentally and emotionally as well. you see, i have a dream for myself and my life. a big one- something that not only puts me on another level, but one that inspires others to be happy and live their best lives as well. my problem is that although i very much so believe in that dream, i don’t really believe in myself right now.
for the most part, i’ve done all that i can do from the confines of my home office; and now it’s time for me to take the show on the road and start tellin’ it on the mountain. having so much time on my hands, probably the best thing for me to do right now is to jump into the deep end of the pool and just swim. but i’m terrified and i don’t know what to do! my confidence level right now is pretty low, and i just feel like i’m not good enough to make my dreams come true. i’ve got plenty to say, and know that i can make a difference in the world, but when it comes to taking action and putting myself out there, i get swamped with doubt and become completely stopped. i need help.
i want to believe in myself!
you ever feel like you need a “made” coach? *sigh*
when i was a little boy, during the weekends, you could always find me- quiet and content- in my room listening to music, dancing around and reading. that was until i heard the musical serenade of the neighborhood ice cream truck coming down the street. on those glorious occasions, i would scream excitedly, bust open my piggie bank, and bolt out the front door and into the street waving my arms and attracting the attention of the driver.
of all the delicious munchies available for purchase, my mind was always set on 2 things: strawberry sour powers and chili-cheese fritos. i’d get somewhere between 50 to 100 sour strings and 1 or 2 bags of fritos to last me the rest of the weekend. these moments were always the highlight of my day.
i was shooting the shit last night with a friend, and imagine my surprise when he mentioned craving doritos with chili and cheese. at the very mention of it, my eyes grew wider- reminiscent of my 12 year old self- and i was on board. we got to the store, and i practically ran to get my fritos, chili, and cheese. i was a bit disappointed that the store only had original fritos. i wanted my good ole chili fritos; but it was still all good.
at home we heated up the chili, poured it into the bag(s) of fritos, sprinkled some cheese over the top, gave it a quick mix, and went to work.
you know that feeling of total submission you get when you put something in your mouth that make your taste buds go crazy? yup… that’s where i was for the entire 2 bags of fritos. i couldn’t stop eating. every single bite hit a different nerve on my tongue and sent jolts of pleasure through my entire body. i was in heaven. i had just about forgotten this snack from my youth; and devouring those bags of chili-fritos sent me back to that care-free time of no responsibility, very few worries, and all the junk food my stomach could handle.
trust and believe i’m gonna start stocking up on fritos, chili and cheese! y’all should try it sometime. it’s seriously an orgasm in a bag!
i had an interview today…and it was amazing! the interviewer and i had a great conversation that touched on all sorts of topics- from google and marching bands, to hedge funds and biggie smalls. it’s been a really long time since i’ve experienced an interviewer leading the meeting as a conversation and not a fixed stream of questions. i appreciated that.
for the first time in my life, an interviewer reviewed and described my resume as “very impressive.” that felt really good to hear. granted, i know what’s on my resume, and how impressive those things are; but hearing those words from a seasoned recruiter really put a smile on my face. had to pat myself on the back for that one.
we discussed the possibility of my working for a hedge fund as well as why that would be a great fit for me. after briefly thinking about it in my head, it occurred to me that this could be a really cute good look for me, and that my life is, yet again, about take an unexpected and potentially extremely rewarding turn. like every time this happens in my life, i’m very excited about this new venture. it’s a great opportunity for me to gain an obscene amount of knowledge, as well as gain skills that will no doubt assist me in building my own business. nothing, of course, is set in stone (or in ink, for that matter) yet; but considering how enthusiastic my interviewer was about both me and the firm, i would say- with impressive resume in hand- that i am one step closer to becoming america’s next top model employed. and that’s awesome!
i’m starting a new segment on the blog called, “cooking with will.” it’s a bit late, but today, i finally got to make the sweet potato pies that i so desperately wanted to include in my thanksgiving dinner. i LOVE making sweet potato pies, and decided to share that love and recipe with you all. unfortunately, my kitchen had other plans…
the following is the introduction to the sweet potato vlog i wanted to post today:
as you can see, i’m having some light issues in my kitchen space. you can’t even believe how disappointed i was, after 30 minutes of taping, when i uploaded the video and viewed the dark and unusable footage. damn! well, at least i’ll know for next time… definitely need more light!
most likely the “cooking with will” vlog will be a stream of random meals that i will be having for dinner. i just wanted to add a bit more spice to evolution of a man. cooking is one of my favorite pastimes, and so, as oprah challenged us all to do, i’m passing it on. in my own little way, of course… but i’m sharing the love nonetheless. enjoy!
oh, and the pies came out looking very tasty and delicious… and they were!
will on December 13th, 2008
