lemme just start this post by saying, God is sooo good, y’all!
about 2 years ago, i made a rather larger purchase. thinking i’d be much more productive working out at home, i hit the nets and bought a bowflex ultimate 2 home gym. i’m almost embarrassed to say that after making and spending over a week assembling said purchase, i’ve used that damn machine maybe 40 times… and that could be pushing it. anyway, i’m moving (hopefully in the next week)– yes, the time has come for me to vacate bungalow 425 (i’ll explain later)– and i have to get rid of the bowflex because a) i’m not really using it in the first place so there’s no reason to lug it to a new apartment; b) it prolly won’t fit in any new apartment, and c) i really need the money.
i posted a “bowflex for sale” ad on craigslist last week, and almost immediately got an email from an interested party– who later flaked on me only after i’d begun to take the machine apart. needless to say, i was pretty heated. in closing down shop here at bungalow 425, the piece of furniture that has given me the most “what to do with you” grief has been my bowflex. it’s not easy getting selling a 400 pound machine, but like i said, God is good.
the other day, i got an email from another guy who was interested in my machine. he gave me a bit of the runaround for a couple of days, but tonight, he came through to take a look at the bowflex to see if it was working and in good condition. since posting my ad, several others have gone up on craigslist selling the same machine– some for less, others at a higher price– and all the while my potential buyer and his friend were scoping out my bowflex, i prayed that they would bite and buy. and they did!
y’all should have seen me unscrewing bolts, disconnecting cables, and separating pieces at lightening speed… all the while trying to keep from smiling and jumping for joy. it took me about a half an hour to disconnect the major pieces, and then, with superman strength summoned from Lord knows where, we were able to get all the parts downstairs and into their mini-van. I. WAS. STOKED! we were a bit worried that all of it wouldn’t fit into their van, but everything came together in the end. i was handed a NICE chunk of change in cash, and they went on their merry way– leaving me skipping up the stairs repeatedly saying “thank you” to the man upstairs.
i was so worried i would be stuck with that machine, y’all don’t even know. God found a way for me to sell it and get rid of it all in the same night; AND he gave me more money than i was originally going to ask for the machine. i am on cloud 9 right now! i seriously couldn’t be any happier, lol. imma say it again… GOD IS SO GOOD!!
blog-surfing this afternoon on dlisted.com, i came across may 14th’s birthday sluts– a list of celebrities who share the same bday– and almost burst of inspiration at some of the people who were born on the same day as I was.
the blog post included this picture along with the following list:
Tim Roth (48)
Miranda Cosgrove (16)
Amber Tamblyn (26)
Sophie Anderton (32)
Martine McCutcheon (33)
Natalie Appleton (36)
Shanice (36)
Gabriel Mann (37)
Sofia Coppola (38)
Danny Wood (40) Cate Blanchett (40)
Raphael Saadiq (43)
C.C. DeVille (47)
David Byrne (57) Robert Zemeckis (57)
George Lucas (65)
these are some amazing and brilliant at what they do people, ya’ll! for starters, tim roth, has been startling me with his talent every wednesday in one of my new favorite shows, “lie to me.” and then to see cate blanchett, raphael saadiq, robert zemeckis and george lucas on the list almost made me cry. the reason for this is probably something astrological that i have no awareness of, but there is a reason. i am destined to do some great things in my lifetime!
i can’t help but get amped about the changes that are happening in my life right now with all the inspiration that’s been flowing around me this week. let’s go!
hottie soccer player, cristiano ronaldo, gave a priceless reaction to his teammates goodies in this video. oh, the thoughts that must have been running through that boy’s head. his boy-pussy seems to have melted with desire leaving him unable to complete the next rep of his excercise. either that, or he became insecure about his own sweaty goodiebag. i’m sure hitting the showers afterwards had to be very interesting. oh, to be a fly on a wall sometimes…
as i’ve been screaming from the rooftops for the past week, yesterday was my 30th birthday! the reason why i’m so excited is because i am so incredibly ready to get the next season of my life started. there are many big changes either currently taking place or are about to get kicked off in my life right now and, in my opinion, they couldn’t be happening at a more appropriate time.
i’ve already spoken of the first of these major changes: smokestack cutting me out of his life [read: setting me free]. i’ve learned some hard lessons from my friendship with him, and i’m excited to move into my future a little more knowledgeable about people and about myself. i’m tougher now, and i know i’ll need to be in the future.
the second change has been jumping around my head for a few weeks now, but really came to light last night at my dave & busters birthday party. i talked with some friends about what’s coming up next in my life, and i realized that the time has come for me to humble myself and move into a new apartment. i’m IN LOVE with my current residence– which makes this decision all the more difficult to follow through on– but it’s time to face the music. my only stable source of income at the moment is unemployment, and it does not cover the high price of renting bungalow 425. for the last 7 years since moving to new york i have been fortunate enough to live in abundance- living in such great diggs and often living beyond my means. it’s time for me to come into reality, make some sacrifices, budget, and live more responsibly in order to fully focus on my career grind and where i’m going. so, i’m selling some of my belongings and moving– hopefully in the next two weeks– into a new, more affordable (but still nice) apartment. ideally i’d like to cut my rent in half, and i know that God will provide something amazing for me that’s perfect for what i need to do and how i need to grow.
i know that making this move will be difficult, but i feel surprisingly at ease with what has to be done. all of these things are happening right now for a reason. life is preparing me for something great and i must be willing to meet the universe half way. i’m ready for change and i welcome this opportunity to humble myself and use the beginning of this new era of my life to build myself back up.
many look at turning 30 as the beginning of getting old, but i see it as the start to gaining infinite wisdom and reaching optimal self-actualization. i’m a bit scurred, but i really can’t wait to see how i grow from all this change; and see what i create in the future.
after over three years of friendship, smokestack has decided to cut me out of his life. in the last few days he has taken a new boyfriend, or “partner” as he referred to him- someone whom he’s never even mentioned to me before last week- and they, together, have decided that smokestack needs to part ways with not only me, but several other people in his life as well. he cited not wanting anyone to threaten his new relationship as a reason for my dismissal.
now, i will be the first to admit that i made mistakes during his last relationship, which ended almost a year ago. my interest in and desire for him led me to act in a way that was disrespectful of his relationship, and as a result, it caused some tension between them. seeing the error in my ways, i’ve since apologized profusely for my actions, and thought we had both moved on. i know that i am a different person having learned my lesson, but apparently, he’s not willing to take the chance. all he had to say was, i don’t want to go thru what i did with [my last boyfriend]. what’s inconsistent with all this is that despite what i may have done or said in the past, most of the problems he had with his previous lover had nothing to do with me; and every time they broke up and smokestack needed a shoulder to cry on, i got a phone call. but i digress…
although i am hurt and disheartened by his decision, i must say i am also relieved. this separation is way overdue. the amount of energy, time and money i have spent over the last three years putting him before myself is mindblowing. but that was my choice, and in the end, from where i sit now- abandoned, broke, and cut off- i’ve learned an invaluable lesson about befriending and catering to other people. so i will take my dose of medicine with pride.
smokestack may have cited my being a possible threat to his new relationship as an excuse, but a good friend of mine made a very accurate point last night when he told me, “well, the relationship stuff may be part of it, but lets be real- basically, your money is gone and he’s found someone else to fill his pockets- so he doesn’t need u anymore.” funny what we begin to notice only after circumstances have come to a close. as i vented to friends last night, the only recurring reply was “i’m sorry, and i hate to say it, but i told you so.” it sux, but it’s the truth… they did.
he is supposed to be dropping off the things he has borrowed from me sometime today. at this point, i have nothing else to say to him. despite what little pleading i did initially out of shellshock and confusion, he told me that he has made up his mind and nothing will change it. since, i have been able to see just how much this is not a blessing in disguise, but a blessing front and center. this needed to happen, and i am grateful. what hurt i may be feeling now will soon dissipate, and i will find my way once again.
it definitely feels like the Lord is moving in very strong ways in my life these days. i believe he’s preparing me for something really tremendous as i approach my 30th birthday tomorrow. this thing with smokestack is just one example of God clearing out a path in my life for blessings to flow. and so i must make way and allow myself to grow.
i’m trying very hard to be adult about this situation; but one thing is for sure: not if, but when smokestack contats me at some point in the future- possibly after this new relationship fizzles- trying to rekindle our friendship, his efforts will be useless. i am a great person, and you had your chance. know and believe that you are forgiven, but remember that you shitted on me, telling me you wanted your freedom back. what you didn’t realize is that you set me free as well. so thanx, but no thanx!
when God closes one door, he opens another; so here i stand, beaten but not broken, in great anticipation for the next opening in my life!
i’m not quite sure where i picked this up, but i am way too sensitive. i take everything i hear very personally- criticism, opinions, body language- everything. i’ve put in a lot of work to find and figure myself out and, as a result, i seem to have developed a self awareness that is starting to become crippling. focusing on how i’m affected by and relate to everyone and everything around me- in an effort to be a more conscious individual- has blinded me to the fact that not everything is about me. and stressing to find a personal link to the statements and actions of others is now causing a rift between me and some of my friends. not good.
so, what’s the fix? this is a tough one. it’s like my listening to other people runs on autopilot and tries to make some kind of connection between what they say and what i feel, believe or want. how do i listen to people without making it about me? it seems absolutely ridiculous (and selfish) to have such a problem, but it’s something i’m struggling with. admittedly, there is a part of me that is very lonely and craves attention. it’s not that i’m an attention hog, it’s just that i like to know that the people i care and think about, often think about me too. i like to be included, you know? i think it stems from not really being included in anything (amongst my peers) when i was younger. now, i look to be included in everything. it’s gotta stop. but how? the only thing i can think of is, moving forward, to monitor my thoughts and pay close attention to how i respond to the things i see and hear.
taking a non-responsive stance or attitude is something i learned reading “a new earth.” i’ve been able to use this method, if you will, in small areas of my life, and it has worked in helping me to stay in the present moment. if i can adapt the same attitude toward listening to others, i’m sure i will be able to find a happy balance. the hardest part will be not taking what i hear as a personal dig or insult; or as subtle criticism. i cause myself so much stress by adding unnecessary thought or emotion to the things people say to me. i give them way more power than they actually deserve.
my task and goal, for the coming week, is to not add anyting. let words fall where they may, and not look to personally attach myself to what i hear. i don’t want to be selfish, nor do i want the world to revolve around me (or even give that impression). i gotta get a hold of myself… and my emotions.
about a week ago, while watching tv, i caught this commercial:
it left me with the largest smile i’d had in a really long time. dave & busters really got me with this one. the whole “feed your fun” idea went off in my head like a million light bulbs. it’s been such an incredibly long time since i’ve had a good night of fun. i am long overdue for a great time!
next week, i will be turning 30 years old. i cannot tell you how excited i am. i feel like i’ve been waiting for it for such a long time. my twenties were, for the most part, enjoyable, but they were also very hard and trying. especially the last couple of years. i know that such is life, but i’m seriously ready for that decade, and the issues that came with it to come to an end.
i look to my 30s with anticipation in the hope that this new age will bring with it the freedoms and joys of knowing who i am, and the courage to be that person in the midst of anything and anyone. also, and probably most important, there has to be more fun! i need to let go, be open, and allow myself to LIVE in my 30s! so i’m letting my fun back out and feeding it a mighty good time at dave & busters on may 14th.
it’s gonna be a great party, and a great year! i seriously can’t wait! lol
will on May 25th, 2009
