Evolution Of A Man

i’m not quite sure where i picked this up, but i am way too sensitive. i take everything i hear very personally- criticism, opinions, body language- everything. i’ve put in a lot of work to find and figure myself out and, as a result, i seem to have developed a self awareness that is starting to become crippling. focusing on how i’m affected by and relate to everyone and everything around me- in an effort to be a more conscious individual- has blinded me to the fact that not everything is about me. and stressing to find a personal link to the statements and actions of others is now causing a rift between me and some of my friends. not good.

so, what’s the fix? this is a tough one. it’s like my listening to other people runs on autopilot and tries to make some kind of connection between what they say and what i feel, believe or want. how do i listen to people without making it about me? it seems absolutely ridiculous (and selfish) to have such a problem, but it’s something i’m struggling with. admittedly, there is a part of me that is very lonely and craves attention. it’s not that i’m an attention hog, it’s just that i like to know that the people i care and think about, often think about me too. i like to be included, you know? i think it stems from not really being included in anything (amongst my peers) when i was younger. now, i look to be included in everything. it’s gotta stop. but how? the only thing i can think of is, moving forward, to monitor my thoughts and pay close attention to how i respond to the things i see and hear.

taking a non-responsive stance or attitude is something i learned reading “a new earth.” i’ve been able to use this method, if you will, in small areas of my life, and it has worked in helping me to stay in the present moment. if i can adapt the same attitude toward listening to others, i’m sure i will be able to find a happy balance. the hardest part will be not taking what i hear as a personal dig or insult; or as subtle criticism. i cause myself so much stress by adding unnecessary thought or emotion to the things people say to me. i give them way more power than they actually deserve.

my task and goal, for the coming week, is to not add anyting. let words fall where they may, and not look to personally attach myself to what i hear. i don’t want to be selfish, nor do i want the world to revolve around me (or even give that impression). i gotta get a hold of myself… and my emotions.