Shits & Giggles
will on November 17th, 2009
There are many people who have a serious problem with using a public restroom. For most it’s a sanitary issue- public potties aren’t the most pristine of environments. For others, as is the case with me, they don’t exactly allow for much privacy, and can make the experience more stressful than it needs to be.
Now, I don’t have a problem per se about using a public toilet; but in doing so, I take many a factor into consideration. I had to laugh at myself recently after departing from a rather amusing trip to the bathroom at work. It all started, as it often does, with that familiar, post-lunch, nudge from my intestines- signaling to my body and my mind that an evacuation was about to take place…whether I wanted it or not.
I walked quickly to the restroom, taking notice of any other males in the vicinity- either going in or coming out. The coast was clear, so I casually sauntered in- so as to give the appearance of a number 1 voyage- but sprinted to the nearest stall once I was inside. Luckily, I had the place to myself…for the moment. I grabbed a seat cover, [sidebar: to all of you clear people who do not use seat covers- who just walk in and sit the fuck down- ewww! Seriously! If it wasn't for my not wanting anyone to know I'm sitting in the stall next to you, I'd be screaming all kinds of "you nasty as hell" at you! Use a damn seat cover!] But I digress. I grabbed a seat cover, placed it on the rim, and sat down.
I won’t go into details about, you know, making mud dolphins, but my stress level skyrocketed when the restroom door opened and in walked several people- chatting it up like they were standing at a water cooler. I was battling a rather, umm, ethnic meal, and so there was serious cause for concern. You have no idea (or maybe you do) about how friggin’ nerve wracking it is to try to hold ish in (literally) and not create an embarrassment of volcanic proportions. Holding on for dear life, sweat dripping down my brow, I thought about the little predicament I was in and I giggled. Thankfully, this didn’t draw any attention- hey probably didn’t hear me over their banter- or release any of the tension I was holding. At one point during their conversation about meetings, travel and the weather, I had to fight myself from screaming “will you just pee and go already?” I sat, rocking and trying my hardest not to explode, waiting for the guys to leave; and as the urinals began to flush I began a countdown. Less than a minute later, they were out the door and I was out of time. I waited for the sound of the door clicking closed and I laughed hysterically returning my lunch to the hell from whence it came.
As weird and uncomfortable as that experience was, I’m still okay with using a public restroom- cuz when you gotta go, you gotta go. But for future reference, note to self: no more ethnic food for lunch. 
