God shook my tree!
will on January 20th, 2010
The inevitable, and unfortunately necessary has finally happened!
Earlier this month on Twitter, PR agent extraordinaire, Marvet Britto (@MarvetBritto for all you Twitter fans) tweeted that a great practice for entering 2010 would be to pray and ask God to shake your tree- getting rid of anyone or anything in our lives that keeps you from moving forward and ascending to your promised destiny. Now, I didn’t pray this prayer, but God decided to shake my tree anyway.
There is a person in my life who I care for very deeply, but who has, in my opinion, not been a very good friend to me. We have had some really great times together, but he has taken more than he has given- leaving me feeling used and unappreciated. On the flip side, I have pressured him and tried to make him into someone he is not for my satisfaction- making me less than a stellar homeboy, myself. Friends and family have repeatedly told and asked me to delete him from my life, but having grown far too attached and attracted to him- making him my whole life- I refused, no matter how many times he may have disappointed me or abused my friendship and generosity.
This past weekend, things came to a head between us, and we had an argument over something stupid and, really, meaningless; but it highlighted many very problematic issues within our friendship. In the end, he said he was done and, after first pleading with him to work it out, I eventually came to the same conclusion. I don’t want to let him go, but I know I need and have to. Having made him such a big piece and focus of my life, I have blocked a great deal of positive people, blessings, circumstances, and opportunities from coming into my life. I truly care for him, but I understand that our friendship has run it’s course, and we both need to move on.
I take from this experience many lessons. For starters, I have learned that I cannot buy friendship, or love. It was not my intention to do so, but the nature and progression of our friendship led me to believe that I could. I manipulated him by giving of my finances in an effort to keep him around; and he manipulated me by making promises he had no intention of keeping- just to keep me (and my pockets) around. We stood on a shaky foundation of friendship that we ourselves built, but could not level or balance. We were both wrong, but I should have known better. The second thing I learned is that I can’t always trust what people say. There are some who will promise you things and say things to you just to appease you in the moment and get what they want; but will forget their words almost immediately when their needs have been taken care of; and will never hold themselves accountable for their words or actions. I learned that it is up to me to recognize when I’m being played and respond accordingly. That’s all I have to say about that. Third, I learned that it is really important for me to start saying what I mean and mean what I say, instead of just saying what is easier and simple. I tend to run from confrontation and as a result of not speaking my heart, I end up getting trampled on and taken advantage of. I need to grow some balls and stand strong in my feelings and opinions. The last lesson (or at least the last I will share) is that I learned that pressuring people to do something- regardless of whether they’ve suggested, offered or promised it to you or not- will eventually drive them away. Amidst the repeated assurance that “It’ll happen…just be patient and let it happen naturally,” and “you’re one of my best friends. I love you…I got your back,” that occurred over the course of 3 years, I grew impatient and added pressure to get what I wanted as he was already getting what he wanted time and time again. Eventually, we both got fed up… he of the pressure I put on him, and me of the empty promises and wallet. In the future, I need to evaluate and assess my motives before giving of myself, and be patient with what I am promised, expected or wish to receive in return. I learned these lessons the incredibly hard way, but as a result, they are lessons I will never forget.
Now that we have parted ways, I have some soul-searching to do. In all this, I realize that I can do much better for myself and, more importantly, I deserve much better! I lost my power, amongst other things, in this friendship- I gave it to him… he had it all. It’s time for me to regain it all back. God has shaken my tree, and a few apples have fallen- giving me the opportunity to regrow stronger branches, and bear more nourishing, healthier fruit. Though it plagues me to realize, I need to spend some time alone- me, myself, and I- to come back to the middle and determine what it is I truly want and need. God is with me and he invited this to happen so that he and I could become closer, and I could get back on track to do the work he has placed in me to do. I struggle with wanting to chase after this guy and attempt to mend our friendship, but I must stay strong. I have so much more to do with my life, and it is imperative that I change my focus in order to ascend to my destiny and a life of fulfilling success and happiness.
I will always care for and love him, and I wish him well; but I must take the lessons he and this friendship have taught me and let him go. I’m incredibly saddened that our friendship had to end at all, let alone on a negative note, but as he’s repeatedly suggested I do, I have to do me. And so, with a bruised heart, ego, and spirit, I’m taking his advice, thanking God for the blessing of the experience and freedom, and doing what is necessary for and beneficial for me and my future. It’s gonna be hard as hell (it already is), but I know I’ll make it through just fine.
When one door closes, another opens. But before I walk through, I’ve got to take a long, hard look at myself. God has shaken my tree, and now, laced with more pearls of wisdom, my evolution continues…
