Evolution Of A Man

I forgive you
I love you
And I let you go

The lesson I’m learning in my life right now is one of forgiveness. Back in January, a “friend” of mine decided he no longer wanted to be friends with me, and he cut me out of his life (note the “God Shook My Tree” post below). In my opinion, he did so hasitly and as an excuse to not have to hold himself accountable for the things he said, did and/or promised to me. Regardless, for 5 long and hard months, I was faced with re-building the life that I had lost– having given most of it to him– and really putting in effort to getting to know myself and realizing my own true worth and value. As a result of such work, I became a stronger person with a more sturdy foundation and sense of self. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m far from where I once was.

In May, this “friend” returned with hugs and laughter- promising to make amends and move forward in a new, better direction of friendship. While he never apologized for his actions, and in fact got upset that I brought up my trepidation for letting him back into my life again, he, in a small way, did fess up to, for lack of a better phrase, having been a dick earlier this year; but he never really took full responsibility for his actions. Wanting us to be better friends, I let him back into my life.

All was well and good until a few weeks ago when, while we were hanging out at my apartment watching the BET Awards, he abruptly got up from the couch, said he had to go, and left. Earlier, we had a weird discussion and slight disagreement over something insipid, but we squashed it quickly and moved on with our night. Or so I thought. I have no clue what turned after that convo, but he got real quiet, and, about 15 minutes later, as I was cooking dinner, he got up and said, “I’m not going to be able to stay…I have to go do something.” As he was leaving, I questioned if it was something I did and asked what happened. He kept repeating, unconvincingly, “No, I’m fine. It’s ok.” I asked one last time as he exited the front door, and he looked at me with cold eyes and very sternly said, “I’M FINE” and walked away. For two days I texted, emailed, called and facebooked him asking him what happened. I seriously had (and still have) no idea what I may have said or done that caused him to act this way or if I even did anything at all. I’d gotten not one response from any of my communication and after a few days, I reluctantly called it quits alltogether.

Someone in my prayer group last week encouraged me to adopt the practice of forgiveness in this situation. I’d been scratching my head trying to figure out what happened. My “friend” was updating facebook with statuses about evil people hiding behind Jesus, how he’s tried to be a good friend to undeserving people, and other statements where he used God to uplift himself and renounce others. I found myself getting, once again, very resentful and hurt by him. My prayer group told me about forgiveness and how necessary it is in order to move on. Forgiveness, while difficult and slow to do, is not for the other person who wronged you, but it is for you. I’m so angry at my “friend,” but really, I’m angry at myself for allowing this to happen AGAIN! I left the prayer meeting determined to forgive him and let him go. The advice was to keep telling myself that I forgive him and let God do the rest. Enough is enough and I need to move on.

The next morning in the shower I came up with this little affirmation that I now find myself repeating whenever my “friend’ comes into my head. I’m almost astonished at how well and how quickly it works to calm me down, help me to forgive and forget, and allow me to move on with my life. Sure, I have to say it like 1,000 a day, but it’s helping me to focus on other parts of my life and myself that are, frankly, way more important. I’ve heard it said before, but it really is true… forgiveness is the way to healing!

I don’t know if my “friend” will reappear again (he’s done this twice before, only to come back 1-5 months later acting as if nothing’s happened), but if he does, I really need remind myself that I forgive him and I love him, but he’s not healthy for me. As for the future, when we’ve both grown up and past all this, who knows. But for right now, I have to move forward.

I forgive you
I love you
And I let you go!