Evolution Of A Man

I awoke to the sound of rain this morning. As I looked, from my bed, out of the window, my first thought was, “aww fuck, it’s raining. I got shit to do!” Then a voice within me—in the manner of my very own British manservant– replied, “Not to fret, young William. Today, is Sunday.”  A sigh releasing from my lips, I plopped myself back onto the mattress and exclaimed, “Oh, Jeeves! SUNDAY!” All was beautiful and perfect in the world, once again.

As per Genesis 2:2- “And on the seventh day, he rested” (I’m paraphrasing), I am doing whatever the hell I want today! Fortunately for me, I am in a productive spirit. I am currently sitting on my couch, enjoying the peaceful sounds of raindrops falling on my Bed-Stuy Street, browsing the internet, watching porn and, well…writing this blog post (I’m gettin’ my new template, dammit!). Here is a space in which I haven’t been in a very long time. And I’m loving it!

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Anyway, my gMail just led me to a profile I have on a gay networking and dating site. I haven’t been here in a while and, truth be told, I almost forgot it existed. My profile inbox had one solitary message, which I excitedly opened:

Umm…did he say, “Your beauty is beyond Description?” I don’t even know how to take that! Part of me thinks he’s just blowing smoke up my ass to get me to reply to him, but there’s a piece of me that wonders if this is how he really feels. And if so, do I really believe that of myself enough to consider it a serious display of affection? The truth is I don’t. Not completely, anyway. I saw this message as a joke- partially because it’s really over-the-top, but also because who would ever think such things of me? This latter concern is a problem!

I have fantasies of my dream guy wooing and courting me into his life with verbal and physical tokens of his affection, because to him, I’m “the one;” I am his everything. It’s a beautiful story that I can’t wait to share, one day, with my children and grandchildren. But it won’t happen if I don’t believe I’m worthy.

I couldn’t get past this thought, so I had to write about it. It looks like I’ve got more “loving myself” work to do. I’m going to sit with this for a minute.