in light of my recent request from the universe catalog, i decided to try something new and post a “misc. romance” ad on craigslist.
i’ve already made my request from the universe, and it dawned on me that sometimes we are required to take action on our own. while editing my book this afternoon, i had the idea of posting a dating ad on craigslist, so i thought of something cute and cool to say, added a picture, and set the post free on the internets.
we’ll see what comes in… i know i have to open myself up to the different types of guys that may hit me up. it’s so easy to read someone’s stats and/or look at their picture and discount them completely out of not being your immediate “type.” i do that shit all the time. this time i’m taking a new approach.
i’m going to start giving people a try. i’m always writing and talking about how no one will “date” me- that no one finds me attractive- or some shit like that, all the while forgetting the few people who do step to me that i ingnore out of not being hot and/or jumping off the page at first glance. that’s incredibly shallow, and it’s not me. i know better than that. how the hell can i expect someone to give me a chance, if i’m stepping over every possibility who doesn’t fit my ideal? crazy, right!
i’m taking this opportunity to not only put myself out there in the dating pool, but to open myself up to meeting all types of people. who knows what will come out of all of it. they’re just dates… not commitment ceremonies! jeez!
it’s no secret that in the past, i’ve had concerns and apprehensions about my friendship with smokestack. i’ve felt that he’s been inconsiderate about my time and space, and abusive of my money and good nature. all of this has led me to resent him more and more as time has gone by. i used those feelings as examples of our friendship without taking responsibility in my part of the drama. throughout the past year or so, we’ve hooked up a couple of times, and i interpreted that to equal some kind of relationship. i realize now that in creating that false reality, i cheated the both of us out of a real friendship.
a few weeks ago the shit hit the fan. our frustrations boiled to a max, we pretty much let each other have it over an instant messenger conversation that left us not speaking to each other. sitting in my apartment stewing i, for a while, paced back and forth cursing his name and the day i ever met him. then, i really began to think about our situation- specifically, my behavior.
when i think about it, someone could probably write a movie out of all the shit i’ve put that boy through in the last year or so. don’t get me wrong- i’m in no way taking all of the blame for the state of our friendship… he did plenty, but i really pushed some buttons. and at the end of the day, i have to take responsibility for it. since the beginning, i’ve had an attraction to him. one that i thought was based on love, but in reality, was just based on a need for affection. i supposed i used him just as much as he used me, but i am just now beginning to see the toil that both of our bullshit has taken on us being friends.
plain and simple, i was looking for a companion. someone i could be affectionate with and who could match me on levels of intimacy and life. unfortunately, smokestack could not provide that for me. and despite his telling me so on several occasions, in my head, i thought i could change it… change him. now, i know better. i wrote to him explaining the conclusion that i had come to regarding my behavior, and apologized for any drama that i caused. i also asked that we talk.
we both didn’t want our friendship to end, but we also agreed that things had to change in order for it to get better. the conclusion was that we start over. not forget about the past, but move on- friendship intact- with the understanding of potential pitfalls and red flags. we both now understand what it is we should and should not ask from each other. he’s a really great guy with a great future ahead of him, and i’d really hate to lose his friendship over something so stupid as my delusional imagination. in the past couple of weeks since, we’ve had a really good time hanging out as friends. no extra shit. we appreciate each other more that way… and we laugh more, too!
i’m sorry. really, i am. i didn’t want to do it! i heart ne-yo and his music- and i know he’s got that whole bachelor persona/image going on; but “how u doin’?” was the first thing that came to my mind when i saw this pic.
i’m not sayin’… but i’m just sayin’!
i tried not to write this post, man. real talk. i came across and saved the image almost 5 hours ago; and decided not to post it immediately due to the fact that i’m a fan- and plan on picking up the “year of the gentleman” album on day 1 of it’s release. however, in purging today’s desktop-saved images, i once again came across the many pixels of “aaaooooouuuwwww” that you’re giving me in this picture, and i just couldn’t resist sharing it with the masses.
please tell me… this is the work of ninja photoshop, right?
damn if i’m not tryin to get that body, though. i see many [many] more wii fit sessions in my future!
i absolutely love the summer! not just for the warm weather, happy people and fun events, but for the clothing (or lack thereof) that guys tend to wear when the weather gets warm. i’m specifically speaking about:
basketball shorts!
now this image doesn’t pinpoint my exact reason for loving [men in] basketball shorts during the summer, but taking a nice, salivating look at this moistening pic of chris brown and his hands should clear things up if you know what i mean (and i think you do)!
this summer, for me, has been filled with a parade of men in basketball shorts- most of them going commando. just letting it all hang and swang with every “i will fuck the shit outta you” step they take! i cannot tell you how many people, street signs, and mailboxes i’ve bumped into while staring down a basketball short-veiled slab of magic stick coming in my direction. i just can’t help myself. maybe i’m boy-crazy, or seeing things, or just need to have sex; but every time i leave my apartment, under the cover of my sunglasses, i’m treated to men and bulges of all different shapes and sizes.
i love to walk and to people watch, and recently, i find myself going for extra long strolls- using the cover of my sunglasses and beats of my ipod to appear “normal” or not to draw attention to myself or where i’m looking. in case you’re interested, the best gazing spots are in central park, and, of course, the west 4th street basketball courts in the village. niiice!
raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
men wearing b-ball shorts, they’ve got me smitten
bulges in various outlines and schemes
these are a few of my favorite things!
this weekend is the gay pride celebration here in new york. usually, i’m like the first of my friends in line to organize our little group’s participation in the festivities. this year, i’m just not into it. it’s almost as if i’d just rather not be gay this year… i’m just kind of over it.
every year you see the same thing- the drag queens, the hot shirtless men, the flamboyant youngsters- and this year i just feel extremely detached. i’m proud to be gay, and understand the importance of the parade (especially this year now that gay marriage is legal in california), but i’d just rather stay at home and work than be in the city watching the parade and joining in on the party.
i have a few projects that are really starting to take form, and the excitement is almost 10 times as intense as attending the parade would be. i just want to keep working to make some of my dreams come true. that’s pride, right?
so i’m staying in this year. to those of you heading out to party this weekend, have a great time, and happy pride!!
here it is, everyone! the interview you’ve all been waiting for!
produced by nathan seven scott, X’POS’D is an exclusive interview of “hiding in hip-hop” author, terrance dean. The interviewer is none other than yours truly!
hope you enjoy!
part 1
you’ve been X’POS’D!! parts 2-4 coming soon…
definitely make sure you pick up a copy of terrance dean’s new book, “hiding in hip-hop: on the down low in the entertainment industry- from music to hollywood.”
will on September 23rd, 2008
