This picture was on the front cover of today’s New York Post. I didn’t notice it at first, but when I reached my office and plopped the paper on my desk my eyes went straight to it and I broke out in an inconsolable fit of tears. Accompanied by a headline only Alexyss K. Tylor could do real justice, the player featured assumes a position that was once somewhat familiar to me, but is now nothing more than a distant memory.
I must say, he’s supporting himself quite well- perfect hand placement, and his facial expression looks like he’s ready; although he could get that right leg up a little higher. I’ll give him an “A” for effort, though. *sigh* I’m sad now. It’s been way too long for me. [sings "Memories" by Barbara Streisand]
this post is for grown folks… if you’re easily offended feel free to keep it moving!
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today marks the first of two 1-year anniversaries taking place this month- both of which will get their own post. it is sunday, april 5th, 2009, and as of 1pm eastern standard time it has been a full year since i last had (penetrative) sex! as many of you pick your jaws up off the floor, i’ll explain the reasons and circumstances that got me here…
long-time readers of this blog will know that i am relatively new to (anal) sex. i lost my virginity at 26- what i would consider to be fairly late in life (especially for a gay man)- and, at 29, i have only had sex like 6 or 7 times. to be honest, that number is a lot smaller than i’d prefer it to be given my high sex drive. i relate my libido to that of a teenage boy… i’m constantly thinking about and desiring sex. think back to when you first started getting down. my guess is you couldn’t get enough, and so could probably understand why i’m going crazy.
here’s my dilemma, though. despite having the sexual prowess of a teenager, i have the life experience, wisdom, and thought process of an adult. for starters, i don’t really connect with anonymous sex. although i’ve done it in the past, meeting someone at a bar, club, or online, and then taking them home for a romp in the sack no longer interests me. i want more! i’m not saying that i can’t do it (although you’re probably screaming that i should- just to maintain my sanity), but being an extremely romantic person, ready and looking for a relationship, i find very little fulfillment in random sex with someone whose last name (and sometimes first) i don’t even know. i can’t tell you how many times i’ve perused the postings and profiles on craigslist, adam4adam, and other “sex4now” sites, looking for someone to invite over for some serious pipe cleaning, but just couldn’t get myself to go through with giving it up to some random ass or dick pic.
in addition to all that madness, there’s a certain apprehension that comes with the knowledge that about 1 out of every 4 or 5 (black) gay men in new york city is infected with the HIV virus. that’s a lot of damn people! in the last year and a half alone, a few of my acquaintances have become infected- pushing me further and further into my “closet” of chastity. i’m not casting any judgment, but staying protected is at the forefront of my thinking, and knowing that (apparently) many others would prefer a good nut over a healthy life concerns me. i grab condoms almost everywhere i see them available (not that i ever use them), and have no intention of having sex without them; but i’ve heard so many stories of shady dudes pulling dirty tricks on people- spreading the infection- that it seriously scares the buh-jesus out of me to have sex with anyone i don’t know and trust.
finally, there’s me and my personal insecurity. yah…let’s not leave MY SHIT out of this situation. for every excuse, complaint, or pointed finger you have on the outside world, best believe there’s a matching internal issue (or several) within yourself to balance it out. a big reason why i’ve gone so long without sex is due, in part, to the lack of confidence i have in my own sexual ability. having only had sex a few times, i’m not quite sure of what i’m doing or if i’m good at it; and knowing how my friends and i talk about sex, i would really prefer not being the subject of an “i could have had a v-8″ conversation. my mother always used to tell me, “practice makes perfect.” although i don’t think she was talking about this particular skill, i’m thinking i should take her advice, just suck it up (so-to-speak) and get busy (pun intended). i feel like if i could find someone i’m comfortable with and trust enough not to pull some shit, i could go to town, get all the practice i need, and come out ready to face the world as the sexual beast [read: freak] i feel myself to be on the inside. i have one such person in mind to fulfill this wish and bring out said potential, however, he’s not exactly raising his hand to help me out. it’s very disappointing- especially considering the fact that we’ve done everything but have sex- but he’s entitled to his decision and, as much as it pains me, i have to respect that.
i’m not quite sure what it will take for me to let go and take a dip to “ease my pain,” but i do know i CANNOT go another year without a little “bow-chicka-bow-wow.” i’d seriously take a hostage! hopefully, someone will show up soon… ‘cuz this is one anniversary that definitely needs not (and must not) be repeated in the future.
long time readers of evolution of a man will know that i am quite the fan of pornography. at 16, in an effort to learn about and awaken my sexuality, i took it upon myself to explore west hollywood- the gay los angeles. after school, i visited several adult bookstores and theaters in the area, and at one establishment in particular- the tomkat theater- i saw my first skinflick and gave my first blowjob. as i grew older, going off to college and eventually moving to new york, i always thought fondly of the theater, and visited it whenever i was in los angeles.
yesterday, feeling particularly horny and nostalgic, i decided to pay a visit to the sexual palace of my youth. it was there as it always had been, but under new management had been changed from the tomkat theater to the pussycat studs theater. on top of that, instead of 1 large movie screen, the theater had been renovated to include 4 rooms- each playing a different movie. noice!
after paying an increased entry fee of $18 (damn this recession) i took up a place on the wall, letting my eyes adjust to the darkness, and watched a bit of the chi chi larue- directed movie that was playing. throughout the theater there were guys walking in and out of all of the rooms cruising each other something serious! most of them were old enough to be my dad, or even grandfather. i very much so felt like the youngest person there, although i’m sure i wasn’t. either way, after about 10 minutes of watching guys cruise each other and play with themselves, i realized that i didn’t belong there. it became increasingly apparent to me that although i love to watch porn and get off, i don’t need to do it in a theater full of old men. i’m in a different place now, and quite frankly, am above having to resort to such tactics. i felt dirty. not ashamed… just dirty. once i came to that realization, i quickly got myself off (i wasn’t about to let this visit go to waste) and left. i’m fairly certain that i won’t be returning.
it’s so interesting how quickly and vastly we change as we get older. i have some very nice memories of tomkat (ones that i’ll remember forever), but pussycat studs just ain’t for me. it’s time to move up, move on, and experience sexual escapades that don’t leave me feeling like a dirty old man. so long tomkat… i appreciate all the good times, but i’d be lying if i said you’ll be missed!
when it comes to my sexual evolution, saying “it’s been slow” would be quite the understatement. i lost my virginity at 26- way later than i would have liked; and since, have only really had sex once or twice a year. i’m approaching my 30th birthday next year, and when it comes to sex, my experience can be likened to that of a young high school boy. a porn fan for years, i know plenty about the mechanics, but not from experience because i don’t get it that often. as such, my friends- most of whom have way more sex than i do- often have to clue a brutha in on some of the must have essentials. things only people having sex would know about. case in point:
the fleet enema: an “at home” colon cleanse!
now, i’ve heard of these mutha’s before, but only in reference to some sort of constipation. i recently had a conversation with a few friends on why having this little jimi-jam tucked away in your bathroom somewhere is vital. especially for anyone interested in being on the receiving end of some magic stick. it’s like the perfect at home prep to ensure that when you do the do, you’ll avoid the poo!
i went out and bought one the other day; but ended up setting it aside and have been staring at it or thinking about it every time i enter the bathroom. although it would be much appreciated, there is and has been no sex around these parts for some time now- since april, to be exact. stemming off the friendly advice that it’s good to flush the pipe regularly in the anticipation that sex will come soon, i unpacked one of my two-pack bottles, and went to work. i made sure to empty out the laxative liquid inside- it’s really not that serious- and refill the bottle with water. then, i simply laid on my side, and well, you know…
it actually wasn’t that bad. for starters, we all know the familiar substances and smells that come with taking a shit. in addition, i’ve gone for colon cleanses before- this was just a much more personal one. either way, the path to my g-spot is clear. it’s been a long time since i last got down, and frankly, i need to be fucked. so if the events of today help aligned the shakra’s of sex in my favor, then i’m all about it.
ya learn something new every day, right? who woulda thought today’s lesson would be anal douching!
love is on the way
all I got to say
is it wont let go
you can pray to early may
fast for 30 days
still It wont let go
got a good book and got all in it
tried a little yoga for a minute
but it wont let go (oooh)
tried to turn the sauna up hotter
drank a whole jar of holy water
but it wont let go
~erykah badu “i want you”
while i wouldn’t call what i’m feeling love, these words certainly reflect the desire i have for someone in my life. about 2 years ago i met a guy. he was sexy, fun and charismatic, and i fell for him. hard! in retrospect, i believe i fell so quickly because he felt like a boyfriend. i’ve never had one before, and he was the first in my life to ever treat me as such. like a couple who’d been together for years, we spent most of our evenings at home cooking, watching movies and listening to music. although we never had sex, we hooked up on a number of occasions- one of which resulted in the best orgasm i’ve ever had. unfortunately, we remained nothing more than friends.
our relationship has changed in the past year or so, but we still remain connected and, for the most part, pretty close. what hasn’t changed is my desire for him. i go crazy because every time i’m around him this thing that i can’t even explain takes over me- and all i want is to do for him, lie with him, and never leave. i change plans that were previously cemented, engage in conversations i usually ignore, and find myself staring at him uncontrollably and without remorse. i admit that i’m more sexually attracted to him than i am mentally or emotionally- which perhaps may be my problem; and despite my attempts to let him go and put distance between us and my feelings, i keep coming back in the hopes that my feelings and desires will be returned.
have you ever felt this way? felt such intense desire for someone that you did crazy things and conceded in many ways just to be with him and keep him in your life? and for what? i mean, do you really get anything out of it in the end? for as much time, money and energy i’ve put into getting this guy to like and want me like i want him, i can count on one hand the number of times those efforts have garnered any reciprocation. we’ve both agreed that we most certainly wouldn’t work as boyfriends in any way shape or form- we’re just on 2 completely different levels- but that doesn’t stop me from wanting and trying to get him, and from him teasing me with just how sexy and good a lay he is. it’s terribly frustrating and torturous! but something in me must love it, right? ‘cuz it’s incredibly hard to let go.
i just want to be loved… i wish i could find it without having to give so much and reduce myself to so little.
i’ve been spending many nights inside lately. the reasons why have been varied- don’t want to spend money; it’s getting too cold; don’t feel like playing a game of “catch” with men- i could go on… *sigh* during my evenings of solitude, i’ve been watching a lot of movies, surfing the web, chatting online and walking around the neighborhood; but the best times, recently, have been when i’m in bed- right before going to sleep- and enjoying the pleasures of my aneros companion.
look, there are those of us single dudes who don’t have the time or patience- in today’s struggling economy of decent men- to deal with all this madness. so, we are forced to take measures into our own hands! the aneros (i really need to give mine a name) combines obscenely pleasurable stimulation with the relief of not having to search for the “needle in a haystack” that is a man who’s interested in being with me for more than just trying to get a nut! i’m a really affectionate person, and haven’t yet found anything worthwhile in casual hookups.
the downside, however, is the disappointment that occurs when- in the midst of such extreme pleasure- i look back and yell, “yeah, nigga… fuck that ass!” only to see that there really isn’t anyone back there. *sigh* such is the side effect of self-pleasure.
oh well… i’m still getting mine, though! fuck them ho’s! lol
the universe is really shifting right now! or maybe i’m just finally getting to work. in the last week, my life and productivity level has increased dramatically, and it’s showing no signs of slowing down.
for starters, i’ve finished writing and editing my book. i’ve also created a media kit for it (which will soon be available here on the site). i’ve spent the last few days sending the kit out to my various media contacts in writing, blogging and publishing with the hopes that i’ll a) develop a network of supporters, and b) find publishing, lol.
on sunday, my friend lynda and i hit up the nightmare haunted house in the east village; and continued with mojitos at paladar afterwards. loose-lipped, and needing to talk to someone, i vomited a diatribe ranging in topics from smokestack’s inconsideration to personal apprehensions i have about my future. sometimes in life, we need someone to slap some sense into us. my friend did just that.
lynda wouldn’t even entertain talk of me not believing in myself- stating that i’ve accomplished far too much, and that too many people find me awesome and interesting for me to think such things about myself. in regards to the smokestack situation, she offered that we all have many levels of friends- some you call and see frequently; and others you see on occasion. she suggested the latter for my friendship with him. her advice was to go out and meet people who can give me the same things that i can give them… friendship on a balanced level as opposed to one that eventually ends up being one-sided. i thought out loud about where one should go to meet other intelligent, black, gay men in the city- to which she subtly protested.
“it’s not about meeting ‘gay’ people,” she said. “it’s about meeting people!” that hit me pretty hard. i mean i get so easily caught up in feeling like gay people are the only people i have something in common with. that is entirely untrue. i’ve had friends of all backgrounds before, but i suppose i’ve spent so much time concentrating on my sexuality, that i’ve enclosed myself in a bubble. it’s time for that bubble to burst. lynda mentioned that i check out meetup.com- a social networking site geared towards joining people with similar interests.
i’ve heard of meetup before- i used to write ads for them when i worked at google- but i never really checked it out. meetup is the shit, y’all. i just entered things that i’m interested in- “bowling,” “music,” “writing,” etc. and all types of groups just popped up on screen. i read through and joined a few of them. i have no doubt that this will change everything!
for example, i had a meetup meeting today about the law of attraction as it relates to relationships! talk about attracting things to you! only 2 days ago, i vented my frustrations about my relationships with people, and the universe answered me right back. i got so much out of the meeting just from hearing people talk. there were a couple of things that really stood out for me. someone during the hour-long conversation mentioned: “don’t project your negative mirror onto other people.” bringing it home… “don’t blame smokestack for his inconsideration, when you’re consideration track record is less than laudable.” this doesn’t excuse his behavior in any way, but it highlights my behavior in other relationships that is now being mirrored in my friendship with smokestack.
the other thing that stood out for me today was when someone else said, “change your mind about giving people what you think they need!” could that possibly apply more to my relationship not only with smokestack, but with people in general? i’m a very giving person… a “yes-man” if you will. i’m always there to give people what i think they may need or want, so that they may be happy- all the while sacrificing my own happiness. hearing that woke me up. i’m definitely thinking clearer now; and am now more aware of my own behavior.
needless to say, i enjoyed my first meetup experience. i also found a black writers group, and was very excited to see that they are having a meetup this thursday at the 40/40 club (to which i’ve never been). i’m incredibly excited about this one! this is my chance to really get my foot in the door in the writing and publishing world. i got a book that needs peddling, and what better way to get exposure than this? so, i’m ordering more business cards, printing out “evolution of a man” media kits, and taking this show on the road.
after a visit to a lower east side haunted house and downing 3 mojtos at paladar, i now find myslef drunk and at a strip club waiting for some hot near-naked guy to strike my fancy. i got money to spend and i’ll be damned if i spend it on more alcohol
*note: picture taken while drunk and trying to avoid club security*
it’s been a good 5 or 6 months since my little hot pocket has seen any action. suffering from an acute case withdrawal, it’s become a bit melancholy. so last night, before bed, i had to venture into my box of tricks for some fun. tired of the old “beat the meat” routine that is my usual nightcap, i reached for my trustworthy and dependable friend:
my aneros mgx!
this little doo-hickey is my “boyfriend” away from boyfriend. as i’m quite single, suffice it to say, the aneros is my only boyfriend. but i digress…
a long time ago, a friend of mine- knowing about my predicament- suggested that i go out and purchase this little bit of heaven. he promised that upon using it, i would no longer have use for a man. the pleasure is supposedly that good! he pointed me to aneros.com and suggested that i browse around.
for those of you not in the know, lemme break it down for you. the aneros, simply put, is a hands-free devide specifically designed for male prostate or “g-spot” stimulation. no batteries; no vibrations; just the aneros and your body’s own energy. imagine pleasuring yourself to the point of multiple orgasms. the “super-o” if you will. i know that seems like a myth to many men, but lemme tell ya- it’s real… and it’s serious!
you’re not getting any other personal details from me…’cuz that’s my bidness; but i will say that i have found a new friend in my aneros mgx (i’m mad at the acronym-extension). fellas, i know the subject of prostate stimulation can be foreign to those who don’t take it up the ass, but humor me for a second- and do yourself a favor in the process- and pick one of these badboys up. you won’t be disappointed!
will on November 16th, 2009
