The answer is always “No.” Clearly, I’ve got a ways to go.

One of my weaknesses is that despite my outward optimism and general positivity, on the inside, I’m usually maddeningly pontificating on the things in my life that haven’t yet taken form–“wading in the pool of  ’what I don’t have’ and not basking in the glory of what I do have,” as a friend of mine put it. I have goals that I want to accomplish and dreams for my life I want to achieve, but as I’m not sure how to make them happen, the voices of pessimism in my head usually win. At least twice in the past week, someone close to me has responded to my complaining with something to the effect of “well, you’re only in this space because you want to be.”

*blink*

Part of me gets really heated when I hear shit like that. I don’t even know what that means. I mean I’m not at all, at least consciously, desiring to live a life ruled by the negative thoughts that enter my head, or the things I feel I’m lacking. Why would anyone want that? Trust me, I DON’T want to be in this space…I just don’t know how to move past those thoughts, or shrug them off completely, when they hit me. So I just stop moving and shut down. Again, my friend stepped in to tell me about myself, and smack some sense into me…

“You would rather deal with these feelings than the fear of the unknown. If you let that bullshit go, the only thing left are your goals and it scares you. You’re working for your best friend. At your own pace/schedule…on something you’ve always wanted. And you’re not having a good day? MAN UP!

BTW…no one knows how to reach their goals. This is where safety ends and faith begins. Faith without works is dead…having faith and waiting [around for ish to happen] does nothing  :-)”

Umm, Will…your lack of faith is showing!

I had such strong faith when I was a kid/teenager. But then again, what I was facing then is nothing in comparison to what I’m facing now. New blessings, new demons, as they say. I’m seeing that in order to overcome them, my faith must be stretched. In fact, that’s why these newer, stronger demons (negative thoughts, lack of confidence, etc.) exist in the first place…to strengthen my faith, as well as to help me grow and put me closer and closer to reaching my dreams.

I was pointed (by my aforementioned friend…you know who you are and I HEART YOU!) to a few scriptures that really shed some light on the subject of stretched faith and staying strongs in times of difficulty:

“James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, to the twelve tribes scattered among the nations. Greetings.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom [if you don't know what you're doing], he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”

James 1:1-5 (NIV)

This one was also sort of mind-blowing:

“…and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

Romans 5:2-5 (NIV)

So basically, Will, everything happens for a reason; and it’s all to make you a stronger, better person…the person of greatness and success you were meant, no, CREATED to be. Shut up and do the work; trust God and allow yourself to be molded; and watch the life of your dreams appear right before your eyes. But you must [continue to] do the work.

I take my leave from this post with one final quote:

“You gotta do what you HAVE to do, in order to do what you WANT to do”

~Denzel Washington

“…and what you WANT to do will be revealed by your doing what you HAVE to do!”

~Will McNair, in expectant gratitude

Consider me schooled.

Within all this growth and contentment, I am most excited about the fact that, for the first time, God and I are on the same page, walking hand-in-hand. Walking down the road of my adult life, I’ve felt like God has always been a bazillion paces ahead of me, waiting for me to get my shit together and catch up with him. True, he’s always way beyond where I am as a human being, but I feel like I’ve finally stepped up to the challenge of living a life of hard work, value, integrity, and love, and he’s met me where I am, grabbed my hand and said, “ok…let’s do this!”

It started about a month ago, at a meeting for my prayer group, Touch & Agree. I was in a somber mood, and was having a bit of a pitty party about the lack of direction my life had at the moment. My sister in Christ, Tiffany, suggested that I set a reminder for myself to, every hour, take a moment to say, “Lord, I thank you and I trust you!” I followed her advice, and began giving thanks at one minute after the hour, for every hour I’m awake. At first, it felt like I was saying it, not for nothing, but really, just ‘cuz. But after a few days I really started feeling the words I was saying: “Lord, I thank you and I trust you!” Looking at my life– where I’ve come from and where I am– I began to really believe the words I was saying. Within a few days things just started happening. Little things that just made my day and, subsequently, my life a bit better. The train would arrive in the station just as I got to the platform; the worries of life were less stressful; I started running into and hanging out with friends I hadn’t seen in a long time; my money started to look right; I started (really) writing again; and business ideas began tapping me on my shoulder, like, “I hear you wanna make a name for yourself. Well, try me…I’m worth it!” And now, I can barely contain myself for all the passion, joy and purpose that resides within me. All from simply taking the time to recognize that God does have a plan for my life, thank him for what he’s doing, and let him know that I trust his plan. Now my moment of thanks has expanded to, “Lord, I thank you, I praise you, I love you, and I trust you!” I’m just that grateful for what I’m so personally seeing him do in and around my life. It’s almost overwhelming!

I took this experience back to my Touch & Agree family on Tuesday, at which they were overjoyed in a “yep…that’s my Jesus” kind of way! It became known and clear to me that when you’re walking in the will of God– living side-by-side with him in His purpose for your life– you find yourself in the right place at the right time, blessings start appearing out of nowhere, and you really do become unstoppable! And all you have to do to get in the will of God is just THANK him for what he’s done, is doing, and will do in your life; TRUST that he knows what he’s doing and will never steer you wrong; and TALK to him about what’s going on with you. Everyone has their own place where the meet God- in the shower, walking through nature, lying in bed. Me? God and I ki-ki in the kitchen, when I’m cooking! That’s the easiest and most fun place for me to chill with him and talk to him about EVERYTHING. We talk about my day, my dreams, my ups, my downs, my goals, my trials… whatever comes up in my head to talk to him about. And it’s there, in those quiet moments in my kitchen when he talks back to me about his hopes and dreams for my life, and how I can continue to flourish. 

As Elizabeth Gilbert says in “Eat Pray Love,” God lives in you AS you. He’s experiencing the journey of life, for the first time, as a human being called [insert your name here]. Your firsts are his firsts; your joys are his joys; your tears are his tears; and most importantly, your dreams are his dreams! Share this experience of life with him. Walk with him. Thank him and let him know that you trust what he’s doing in your life- not only because it’s his plan, but because he wants abundance, prospertity and success for you just as much as, if not more than, you want it for yourself. It’s worth a try, isn’t it?

I’m tellin you…I’m on cloud 9 these days, and ascending to higher heights as each day passes! My life, in the last month or so, has changed drastically for the better, and there are some really amazing things on the horizon. And it’s all because I took the time to stop, recognize the rock from which cometh my help, joy and security, and say:

“Lord, I thank you, and I trust you!”

It all started last Tuesday. I went to my weekly prayer meeting, Touch and Agree, in a rather solemn mood. I felt as though my life was at a stand-still. Sure, there were things- bits of opportunity- sort of buzzing around me; but I couldn’t sum up the interest or desire to grab something and run with it. I know-that I know-that I know that I’m created for greatness and success in this world, but I wasn’t sure how, or in what capacity. That was causing me to doubt and have concern for my life. The overwhelming response I got from my T&A fam was to be encouraged, talk to God about what I’m going through, and ask for clarity as to what HE wants me to do and where HE wants me to go. They introduced me to Psalm 16:11 which says:

You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand. (MSG)

I left the meeting thanking God for these people he’s brought into my life, and asking him to help me see-give me clarity on- what I’m supposed to be doing. I wanted to be excited about my life again.

Cut to the weekend: I attended a party at a good friend’s house on Friday, at which I was teeming with ideas–that came out of nowhere– for a project that we’ve recently begun working on. I mean, I could not stop vomiting ideas. Million dollar ideas, too! I rested up a bit on Saturday, but for the rest of the weekend, I found myself overwhelmed with the drive to work. I put Friday’s ideas down on paper, began planning the next 6 months of the venture with my friend, got my blog writing back together, re-designed my vision board, and began working on a script. All the while jumping around my apartment in excitement, thanking God for answering my prayer. By the time I went to bed on Sunday, I KNEW– and, like, knew that I knew that I knew–exactly what I’m supposed to be doing at this stage of my life.

Monday, another friend of mine had a birthday party. It was there I ran into 2 acquaintances, who I hadn’t seen in YEARS! Both of them had been influential to me- one for her exuberant take on life and overall fabulousness, and the other for her drive and discipline in the area of financial wealth and stability. It was through meeting them, years ago, that I started learning to budget my money and began creating a career and financially stable life for myself (although, admittedly, that sort of fell apart when I lost my job 2 years ago). When I saw them at the party, I literally started screaming! I told them how inspired I’d been by them, and they updated me on the events of their lives. One is now journeying into home-ownership and the other, increasing her career and wealth- teaching her friends how to do the same. Before I knew it, I was being educated on the tricks of buying a home and introduced to the advanced level of budgeting and financial independence. Believing that there’s a reason and a plan for everything,  I left that party feeling very grand, with an overall sensation that my life is really about to change…toward something amazing!

Then, today, while engaged in my morning bathroom routine, God said, “Don’t forget to email ‘Tracy’ and ‘Terry’ about the information they mentioned on Monday.” I was like, yes, Lord for your beautiful reminders! I emailed the ladies this morning, and am now being sent all kinds of links and spreadsheets, offers of advice, and encouraging exclamations of the great things that are about to happen in my life given this new information, goal and journey.

Excitedly overwhelmed by all that is happening this week, all I can do at this moment is say, Thank You, Jesus! You’re up to somethin’, dude. Whatever it is, keep it comin’! I’m ready and willing. I thank you and I trust you! Let’s do this!

I made Cornish hens stuffed with wild rice & sausage, candied yams, greens, ham, cornbread, and sweet potato pie. I went in; and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I really love cooking, and it was very nice to spend those few hours in the kitchen connecting with a passion while thanking God for all he has done for me. I invited over a couple friends who otherwise wouldn’t have really had a Thanksgiving dinner and we feasted abundantly. The greens came out a little salty (twas my first attempt at making them), but everything was still really good- at least to my taste.

I have so much to be thankful for this year. For starters, I have my life and my health. The past week has been rough after having a slight medical episode last Friday; and it only made me realize how precious life is and how we should cherish and maintain our health and each moment we are given. I’ve vowed to start taking better care of myself- exercising more, eating better, and watching what and how much I put into my body.

Additionally, I’m surrounded by family and friends whom I love and who love me; and for that I am truly grateful. Somtimes we forget about the love that surrounds us. We all have people in our lives who care about us and love us to death. I, for one, am going to make a better effort to show my appreciation for those people on a more regular basis.

Finally, I am grateful and thankful for all that I do have and all that I am. I may not be who or were I want to be, but I am constantly growing and am leaps and bounds past who and where I once was. It’s only by the grace of God that I’m allowed to lead such a joyful life- even though I may not always view it as such- and I am so thankful for all he has given and offered me. I really do live a great life. It’s high time I start recognizing that for real.

As I begin to look to 2010 I’m really pinpointing the things that I want to work on and accomplish. I want to be more patient and live for the journey as opposed to the destination. Much of 2009 was lost for me out of my concentrating on and complaining about where I wanted to be instead of appreciating the process of getting there. I also want to start acknowledging myself more- stop puttin’ myself down so much and start giving myself credit for all that I accomplish, small and tremendous. I also want to foster better relationships with my family and friends. I don’t get along very well with my family. I’ve secluded myself from them because I’ve always felt uncomfortable around them. I’m hoping to change that.

All of this will take work. Hard work. I’m a stubborn individual, who lives an incredibly structured life; and it’s gonna take a lot for me to relax, stop taking life so seriously and enjoy the journey, while pushing myself out of my comfort zone to create the life of my dreams. I’m dedicated to not live in my 30′s as I did my 20′s. I’m thankful for the clarity this year has brought me, and I’m looking forward to the challenge that lies ahead. I realize now that it’s up to me to make this growth happen. Not anyone else.

I hope you all had an enjoyable turkey day and will take the time to reflect and be thankful for all that you have and all that you are. Lots of love, hugs and kisses to you! Happy Thanksgiving!

The topic that arose that week revolved around who, in the end, will gain entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven. One of the members of the group was explaining a book she was reading in which the author references the Torah, the Koran, and the Bible in an effort to accurately trace, back to Abraham, the lineage of the Muslim, Jewish, and Christian religions. As I sat and listened to her description of the book, a question began to surface in my mind: “What happens to those who don’t believe in the teachings of the Bible when they pass on?” I posed this question to the group and was met with a variety of different answers- which then sparked a rather interesting discussion.

At first, when I offered the example of someone living outside of a modern civilization who has never heard of Jesus before, I was told that in their case, Jesus would simply look at what’s in their heart when deciding whether they should be let into the Kingdom. Fair enough. I pushed a little further and asked about those who made up other religions- Jews, Muslims, etc.- as well as those people who have no religion, but are more spiritual- Buddhists and Yogi’s. This is where things got heated. We talked about what these other religions believe that is in opposition to the Christian belief that Jesus died on the cross and is the risen Messiah. Everyone at the table was very adamant about Christianity- or the belief that Jesus is the risen Messiah- being the only way to gain eternal life. The Bible was quoted as saying (and I’m paraphrasing for I am not well versed in scripture), that the word of God will reach the 4 corners of the earth; every man will make a choice, and those who do not accept that belief will not be allowed passage. One girl went as far as saying, “I know with complete certainty that if you don’t believe then you will not be allowed into the Kindgom.” This is where I just shut down!

Excuse me? You know with complete certainty? I don’t think so. Yes, you may believe with complete certainty, but there’s no way you could possibly know for a fact who will and will not gain entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven. I was so floored by that statement, and over the conversation as a whole, that I just sat there in silence. I didn’t reply- especially as I was the only one at the table who seemed to disagree. But that comment, and the subsequent backing from the rest of the group, took me back to why I stopped going to church and became spiritual over religious in the first place. There is nothing wrong with believing the teachings of the Bible and leading your life accordingly; but I take serious issue with a number of Christians who shut out and condemn any person or thinking that differs from what they “know” as truth. This girl, and what felt like everyone else at that table, was ready to send countless people straight to hell for not believing what she believes- just because of what the book that sat in front of her said. Suppose she wasn’t a Christian. Suppose she grew up as a Jew reading the Torah. She would have no idea about the teachings of Christ, and would have a completely different set of values and beliefs. Would she then believe that she was going to hell? Not at all.

I brought up my recent foray into Orpah’s Spiritual podcast channel, which drew more of the same type of commentary. Most threw out the whole idea of general Spirituality saying, “no…you can’t just wrap everything together and call it the Universe- someone’s in control. He has a name, and you should respect that and call him by his name… it’s God.” Eckhart Tolle’s book, “A New Earth”- a book from which I’ve gained a great deal of insight- was brought up in the discussion, and someone mentioned that she advised a friend who was reading it to throw the book out- calling it “the devil’s book”- and asking how can you be a Christian and go by something that doesn’t claim God or follow the Bible? By this time I had had enough. We had to break the discussion because the diner we were in was closing, and as we scooted out to find another location, I took the opportunity to excuse myself and go home. I haven’t been back to the group since.

I am a believer- let me make that clear. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, was buried, and that he is the risen Messiah. But what I don’t believe is that acknowledging and believing that is the only way to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven and gain eternal life. If God is omnipresent and can commune with us in many different ways, then why can’t we do the same? I’m not saying that all religions and methods of spirituality are acceptable- I don’t know for sure what is and isn’t valid- but I do think that the road to knowing, believing in, and following God, and eventually getting into the Kingdom, has many lanes and many passages.

After Tuesday’s “Touch & Agree,” Rhonda sat with me for over an hour listening to what I had to say, ministering to me, and reading scriptures with me. She even prayed the prayer of salvation with me- just to make sure I was saved. And I am…but I still struggle! She suggested that I get in the word and start small- take a few verses a day, read them over and over to get them in my spirit, write them down and post them on my walls. I thought it a good idea and, feeling so good after our conversation, had every intention of following her suggestion; but I did nothing. I bailed. Sure, I thought about readng scripture and studying on numerous occassions Wednesday and Thursday; but there was still a big part of me that said, “Why?” and “I don’t wanna!” Also, stuck in my head worrying about all the problems and issues I’m facing, I stayed lazy and sad claiming the excuse, “I don’t know where to start.” So I didn’t. Today I forced myself to start studying the Bible and really spending time with God. As of late, I’ve heard many people either cite or talk about Jeremiah 29:11, so I decided to begin there. It says:

“I know what I am doing. I have planned it all out- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.”

That was The Message translation. Rhonda suggested reading the New King James Version, the New International Version (NIV), and The Message. I was raised onte traditional King James Version, and like it did when I was younger, it has confused me to no end as I’ve tried reading it recently. But reading the aforementioned translations made Your word so much clearer and understandable to me. I’m definitely a big fan of The Message translation! After reading verse 11 I continued on to verses 12-14, which spoke to me even more:

“When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen. When you come looking fr me, you’ll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed…”

The NIV says (about getting serious) “When you seen me with all your heart…” I must admit, Lord, that I’m struggling with that part. I can’t yet identify with seeking You with all my heart; but I can say that I am seeking you with all that I can muster up right now- whatever that is. I want to seek You and your word with all my heart, but I’d be wrong not to admit that at this particular moment, I seek You in a reaching, arms wide open, crying attempt to find peace, help, and direction within my storm. My heart is open and I hope and believe that as I continue to read, learn, and in You and be filled by You- as we become more intimate with each other- my heart’s desire for You will expand. I consider myself to have rain my first baby step today towards seeking You and learning your word.

I’ve been asked how can I pray in faith and stand, believing in your word if I don’t know what’s in it? When I pray, I want and need to be able to call upon your word to help me with the circumstances of my life. And even more, I want to truly understand what it means to praise and bless Your name… I want to know you, Lord, so I can better praise you.

I thank You for opening this door and I pray fr your patience with me as I start this journey. I know you’re always with me, Lord- imma need your direction knowing what and how to study next. But for now, I’ll stay meditated on Jeremiah 29:11-14. Thank you!

Lord, teach me how to go beyond just getting by. In Jesus name I pray. AMEN!

I walked into an 8th avenue Starbucks on Tuesday feeling anxious and nervous- a common resounding sensation I encounter when stepping into a new experience- but overall, I was tremendously excited. I walked up the wooden staircase to the second floor of the coffee shop and found a group of about 15-20 young adults sitting in a large circle around small tables engaged in intimate conversation. There was a peaceful yet animated presence around the group- one you couldn’t help but be drawn to. Almost immediately, my nerves were calmed and my interested peaked beyond comparrison. I took a seat at one end of the circle, passing and low-fiving my friend on the way, and leaned in to hear what the others sat so attentively to take in. Someone was sharing a testimony he had from the past week to intermittent cheers of “Hallelujah” and “Thank you, Jesus!” and for the first time in my life, this public display of religion didn’t make me uncomfortable. I usually have a very difficult time praising the Lord outside of church, and have never felt at ease doing so amongst other Christians in my age group. I suppose my relationship with God has just not yet gotten to the point of outward worship despite my surroundings. It didn’t take me long at all to realize that this group would change my thoughts around studying, and being supported by the word of God.

As the meeting continued, I sat listening intently to all of the testimonies and words of encouragement. I was thoroughly wrapped up in every minute. It was like my soul was filling itself up on every succulent morsel of conversation. I’ve been struggling so much lately trying to figure out my path and direction in life, and the passion with which these young people spoke about God’s work in their lives really touched me. I heard of the miracles and blessings that were taking place and all I could think was, “how can I get some of that? where do I begin?” The experience was overwhelming, not simply because of the spiritual aspect, but also because of the company itself. Just about everyone there is an artist in some way, shape, or form- singers, dancers, actors, writers, etc.- they are the people I wish myself to be. I’ve always sensed there is something great inside of me just bursting to get out- a talent, skill, purpose. I believe I was created to entertain and inspire others, and I have been praying and praying that God will send people and friends into my life that will help me progress with my goals and dreams. The participants of Touch and Agree are an artistic, supportive bunch who LOVE the Lord and claim their destiny in Jesus’ name. I just couldn’t get enough of hearing what they had to say.

There was much conversation about having faith- building our faith muscle- and staying faithful in the midst of our confusion because God is always there and is in control. That hit me pretty hard. When I was younger my faith was so strong, but recently it’s become incredibly hard to maintain a faithful spirit despite all the confusion and uncertainty that clouds my mind. One of my goals in joining Touch & Agree is to rebuild my faith and gain faith that surpasses all understanding. Another jewel of inspiration came from my friend, Dewayne, who mentioned an enlightening reminder he received about trusting God’s direction. It is important to remember that God has already been to where we are going. As we walk the rocky path of our lives He’s coming in the opposite direction- returning from our destiny. He’s already seen our future- all we need to is trust his word and be obedient. It’s at times so much easier said than done– especially when we’re going through the storm– but we must trust and believe that the Lord knows what he is doing.

Touch & Agree could not have come into my life at a better time. I am so grateful and cannot wait for next week. I need this! I need the encouraging support, the friends, the guidance in the word, and the blessings that follow. Thank you so very much, Lord, for bringing me to Touch & Agree. I pray you continue to make it a blessing upon my life.