The inevitable, and unfortunately necessary has finally happened!
Earlier this month on Twitter, PR agent extraordinaire, Marvet Britto (@MarvetBritto for all you Twitter fans) tweeted that a great practice for entering 2010 would be to pray and ask God to shake your tree- getting rid of anyone or anything in our lives that keeps you from moving forward and ascending to your promised destiny. Now, I didn’t pray this prayer, but God decided to shake my tree anyway.
There is a person in my life who I care for very deeply, but who has, in my opinion, not been a very good friend to me. We have had some really great times together, but he has taken more than he has given- leaving me feeling used and unappreciated. On the flip side, I have pressured him and tried to make him into someone he is not for my satisfaction- making me less than a stellar homeboy, myself. Friends and family have repeatedly told and asked me to delete him from my life, but having grown far too attached and attracted to him- making him my whole life- I refused, no matter how many times he may have disappointed me or abused my friendship and generosity.
This past weekend, things came to a head between us, and we had an argument over something stupid and, really, meaningless; but it highlighted many very problematic issues within our friendship. In the end, he said he was done and, after first pleading with him to work it out, I eventually came to the same conclusion. I don’t want to let him go, but I know I need and have to. Having made him such a big piece and focus of my life, I have blocked a great deal of positive people, blessings, circumstances, and opportunities from coming into my life. I truly care for him, but I understand that our friendship has run it’s course, and we both need to move on.
I take from this experience many lessons. For starters, I have learned that I cannot buy friendship, or love. It was not my intention to do so, but the nature and progression of our friendship led me to believe that I could. I manipulated him by giving of my finances in an effort to keep him around; and he manipulated me by making promises he had no intention of keeping- just to keep me (and my pockets) around. We stood on a shaky foundation of friendship that we ourselves built, but could not level or balance. We were both wrong, but I should have known better. The second thing I learned is that I can’t always trust what people say. There are some who will promise you things and say things to you just to appease you in the moment and get what they want; but will forget their words almost immediately when their needs have been taken care of; and will never hold themselves accountable for their words or actions. I learned that it is up to me to recognize when I’m being played and respond accordingly. That’s all I have to say about that. Third, I learned that it is really important for me to start saying what I mean and mean what I say, instead of just saying what is easier and simple. I tend to run from confrontation and as a result of not speaking my heart, I end up getting trampled on and taken advantage of. I need to grow some balls and stand strong in my feelings and opinions. The last lesson (or at least the last I will share) is that I learned that pressuring people to do something- regardless of whether they’ve suggested, offered or promised it to you or not- will eventually drive them away. Amidst the repeated assurance that “It’ll happen…just be patient and let it happen naturally,” and “you’re one of my best friends. I love you…I got your back,” that occurred over the course of 3 years, I grew impatient and added pressure to get what I wanted as he was already getting what he wanted time and time again. Eventually, we both got fed up… he of the pressure I put on him, and me of the empty promises and wallet. In the future, I need to evaluate and assess my motives before giving of myself, and be patient with what I am promised, expected or wish to receive in return. I learned these lessons the incredibly hard way, but as a result, they are lessons I will never forget.
Now that we have parted ways, I have some soul-searching to do. In all this, I realize that I can do much better for myself and, more importantly, I deserve much better! I lost my power, amongst other things, in this friendship- I gave it to him… he had it all. It’s time for me to regain it all back. God has shaken my tree, and a few apples have fallen- giving me the opportunity to regrow stronger branches, and bear more nourishing, healthier fruit. Though it plagues me to realize, I need to spend some time alone- me, myself, and I- to come back to the middle and determine what it is I truly want and need. God is with me and he invited this to happen so that he and I could become closer, and I could get back on track to do the work he has placed in me to do. I struggle with wanting to chase after this guy and attempt to mend our friendship, but I must stay strong. I have so much more to do with my life, and it is imperative that I change my focus in order to ascend to my destiny and a life of fulfilling success and happiness.
I will always care for and love him, and I wish him well; but I must take the lessons he and this friendship have taught me and let him go. I’m incredibly saddened that our friendship had to end at all, let alone on a negative note, but as he’s repeatedly suggested I do, I have to do me. And so, with a bruised heart, ego, and spirit, I’m taking his advice, thanking God for the blessing of the experience and freedom, and doing what is necessary for and beneficial for me and my future. It’s gonna be hard as hell (it already is), but I know I’ll make it through just fine.
When one door closes, another opens. But before I walk through, I’ve got to take a long, hard look at myself. God has shaken my tree, and now, laced with more pearls of wisdom, my evolution continues…
When I woke up this morning, I had no idea how I was going to celebrate Thanksgiving. I had 4 open invitations to dinner, but I was indecisive about where I actually wanted to go. I sat on my couch watching the parade wondering if that was all I’d end up doing today. Then I took a shower and my day suddenly came alive. While lathering up- gettin’ so fresh and clean- something inside me said, “Wait…don’t you love to cook? Isn’t this one of your favorite holidays because of the food? Why aren’t you cooking?” I thought to myself, “YEAH” as I rinsed off. Cooking is one of my favorite pastimes. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t be standing over a pot dishing up my favorites for dinner. I immediately went right into action- creating a menu of my favorite things and hittin’ the grocery store. And then, I started cooking my ass off!
I made Cornish hens stuffed with wild rice & sausage, candied yams, greens, ham, cornbread, and sweet potato pie. I went in; and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I really love cooking, and it was very nice to spend those few hours in the kitchen connecting with a passion while thanking God for all he has done for me. I invited over a couple friends who otherwise wouldn’t have really had a Thanksgiving dinner and we feasted abundantly. The greens came out a little salty (twas my first attempt at making them), but everything was still really good- at least to my taste.
I have so much to be thankful for this year. For starters, I have my life and my health. The past week has been rough after having a slight medical episode last Friday; and it only made me realize how precious life is and how we should cherish and maintain our health and each moment we are given. I’ve vowed to start taking better care of myself- exercising more, eating better, and watching what and how much I put into my body.
Additionally, I’m surrounded by family and friends whom I love and who love me; and for that I am truly grateful. Somtimes we forget about the love that surrounds us. We all have people in our lives who care about us and love us to death. I, for one, am going to make a better effort to show my appreciation for those people on a more regular basis.
Finally, I am grateful and thankful for all that I do have and all that I am. I may not be who or were I want to be, but I am constantly growing and am leaps and bounds past who and where I once was. It’s only by the grace of God that I’m allowed to lead such a joyful life- even though I may not always view it as such- and I am so thankful for all he has given and offered me. I really do live a great life. It’s high time I start recognizing that for real.
As I begin to look to 2010 I’m really pinpointing the things that I want to work on and accomplish. I want to be more patient and live for the journey as opposed to the destination. Much of 2009 was lost for me out of my concentrating on and complaining about where I wanted to be instead of appreciating the process of getting there. I also want to start acknowledging myself more- stop puttin’ myself down so much and start giving myself credit for all that I accomplish, small and tremendous. I also want to foster better relationships with my family and friends. I don’t get along very well with my family. I’ve secluded myself from them because I’ve always felt uncomfortable around them. I’m hoping to change that.
All of this will take work. Hard work. I’m a stubborn individual, who lives an incredibly structured life; and it’s gonna take a lot for me to relax, stop taking life so seriously and enjoy the journey, while pushing myself out of my comfort zone to create the life of my dreams. I’m dedicated to not live in my 30’s as I did my 20’s. I’m thankful for the clarity this year has brought me, and I’m looking forward to the challenge that lies ahead. I realize now that it’s up to me to make this growth happen. Not anyone else.
I hope you all had an enjoyable turkey day and will take the time to reflect and be thankful for all that you have and all that you are. Lots of love, hugs and kisses to you! Happy Thanksgiving!
Usually on Tuesday nights you can find me at a Starbucks somewhere in Midtown attending Touch and Agree- my weekly prayer meeting. However, after an unsettling discussion at the meeting two weeks ago, I’ve decided to take a little break.
The topic that arose that week revolved around who, in the end, will gain entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven. One of the members of the group was explaining a book she was reading in which the author references the Torah, the Koran, and the Bible in an effort to accurately trace, back to Abraham, the lineage of the Muslim, Jewish, and Christian religions. As I sat and listened to her description of the book, a question began to surface in my mind: “What happens to those who don’t believe in the teachings of the Bible when they pass on?” I posed this question to the group and was met with a variety of different answers- which then sparked a rather interesting discussion.
At first, when I offered the example of someone living outside of a modern civilization who has never heard of Jesus before, I was told that in their case, Jesus would simply look at what’s in their heart when deciding whether they should be let into the Kingdom. Fair enough. I pushed a little further and asked about those who made up other religions- Jews, Muslims, etc.- as well as those people who have no religion, but are more spiritual- Buddhists and Yogi’s. This is where things got heated. We talked about what these other religions believe that is in opposition to the Christian belief that Jesus died on the cross and is the risen Messiah. Everyone at the table was very adamant about Christianity- or the belief that Jesus is the risen Messiah- being the only way to gain eternal life. The Bible was quoted as saying (and I’m paraphrasing for I am not well versed in scripture), that the word of God will reach the 4 corners of the earth; every man will make a choice, and those who do not accept that belief will not be allowed passage. One girl went as far as saying, “I know with complete certainty that if you don’t believe then you will not be allowed into the Kindgom.” This is where I just shut down!
Excuse me? You know with complete certainty? I don’t think so. Yes, you may believe with complete certainty, but there’s no way you could possibly know for a fact who will and will not gain entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven. I was so floored by that statement, and over the conversation as a whole, that I just sat there in silence. I didn’t reply- especially as I was the only one at the table who seemed to disagree. But that comment, and the subsequent backing from the rest of the group, took me back to why I stopped going to church and became spiritual over religious in the first place. There is nothing wrong with believing the teachings of the Bible and leading your life accordingly; but I take serious issue with a number of Christians who shut out and condemn any person or thinking that differs from what they “know” as truth. This girl, and what felt like everyone else at that table, was ready to send countless people straight to hell for not believing what she believes- just because of what the book that sat in front of her said. Suppose she wasn’t a Christian. Suppose she grew up as a Jew reading the Torah. She would have no idea about the teachings of Christ, and would have a completely different set of values and beliefs. Would she then believe that she was going to hell? Not at all.
I brought up my recent foray into Orpah’s Spiritual podcast channel, which drew more of the same type of commentary. Most threw out the whole idea of general Spirituality saying, “no…you can’t just wrap everything together and call it the Universe- someone’s in control. He has a name, and you should respect that and call him by his name… it’s God.” Eckhart Tolle’s book, “A New Earth”- a book from which I’ve gained a great deal of insight- was brought up in the discussion, and someone mentioned that she advised a friend who was reading it to throw the book out- calling it “the devil’s book”- and asking how can you be a Christian and go by something that doesn’t claim God or follow the Bible? By this time I had had enough. We had to break the discussion because the diner we were in was closing, and as we scooted out to find another location, I took the opportunity to excuse myself and go home. I haven’t been back to the group since.
I am a believer- let me make that clear. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, was buried, and that he is the risen Messiah. But what I don’t believe is that acknowledging and believing that is the only way to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven and gain eternal life. If God is omnipresent and can commune with us in many different ways, then why can’t we do the same? I’m not saying that all religions and methods of spirituality are acceptable- I don’t know for sure what is and isn’t valid- but I do think that the road to knowing, believing in, and following God, and eventually getting into the Kingdom, has many lanes and many passages.
So often, amidst all the talk of living our dreams and achieving our goals, we are led to believe that life is a competition. There are so many of us who seem to be racing towards the same finish line that it becomes hard not to think of besting the other racers on the track and leaving them choking on our dust. At the same time, as we look to surpass the dreamers and “haters” around us, we begin to compare their lives and successes to our own- leading some to increase the pace and stride of their step, and others to simply stop running altogether.
I have never been one for much competition. Sure, I may go in and get aggro during a night of bowling or a game of cards, but that’s all in good fun. In life, particularly when it comes to the daily grind of reaching for the stars of my dreams, I’m definitely more reserved and quiet. Instead of adopting a war mentality, as many seem to do, I tend to compare myself to to those around me; and in doing so, I lose steam. I’ll be the first to admit that this is a fault of mine- and one that I’m constantly working on- but I’d be lying if I said that watching some of the talented people in my heat (keeping with the race metaphor) take off, increase speed and pull ahead of me doesn’t make me want to stop running, grab the water boy, and hit the showers. In my head there’s been little point to continuing on.
What’s dawned on me recently, and has begun to change my thinking and perception of the undertaking that is my hopeful journey to international success, is the fact and the knowledge that I am a valuable and talented being in my own right and in my own way; and that greatness can not only apply, but also call to many people the world over. There are billions of people on this planet- each with different tastes, lives, backgrounds, thought patterns, likes, dislikes and interests. Who’s to say that thousands if not millions of them won’t connect with me being me, saying what I have and want to say, the way I was born to say it? Because of this, I’m realizing there is no need for competition…there is room for all of us. An example that just popped into my head is Kelly Rowland. Sure, she may not have the same type of talent and fame that her former bandmate Beyonce has in the United States, but that chick is a force to be reckoned with in Europe. You think she’s counting her “When Love Takes Over” coins wallowing in a pool of tears over why she’s not #1 over here? Doubtful.
We are all spectacular. We will all shine. There is no race against time or another human being- for we are all opening doors and paving the path for each other to move ahead into the spotlight of our own dreams. We don’t all want the exact same thing, so there’s no use in pretending or forcing ourselves into believeing that we have the same destination. You can do you, I can do me, and we can both get what we want. It’s a good thing, too; cuz I’m tired of running.
I’m back in the workforce, y’all…and I’m kickin’ some butt!
A few weeks ago I got a call from a temp agency asking if I was interested in interviewing for a “long-term” operations position. I didn’t even have to blink before I said “yes.” I needed a job…bad. I was given the company and position vitals and I faced my interview the next day beaming with pride, determination, and confidence. I had an informative and engaging 20 minute conversation with one of the managers, and I left the office believing the job to be mine. I was offered the position less than 24 hours after my interview. God is good!
I started working a few days later and quickly got back into my corporate mojo. My job is mostly data entry, but there’s also a lot of analysis and troubleshooting involved. I’m really enjoying the work that I get to do, and it turns out I’m actually good at it. Now three weeks into my 6-month temp assignment, I’m surprising myself, and my co-workers, at almost every turn with the efficiency and quality of my work. I mean, I knew, on some level, that I was good, but I’d never really paid attention to seeing myself in action- I’ve always been content to show up and do what was asked of me…just to collect a check. These days, as the day progresses, I find myself fully present in my work- managing the systems with ease and accurately completing my tasks faster than they can be assigned to me. I’m on a roll and I’m having a blast!
I’m beginning to see that I have value. This may seem perplexing to some- why wouldn’t I know my value- but it hasn’t been so easy for me to believe and understand my worth in the past. I didn’t see it for myself. I think what makes this experience so significant is that I’m taking the time to live in the moment of the task at hand and focus on what I love about the perhaps mundane assignments I receive, and not on the fact that it’s just a job and not my ideal career. I’m discovering that I really love excel, typing, organization and learning new computer programs & systems. Focusing on those things serves as the foundation for enjoying the day’s work, and is what inevitably allows me to succeed. And paying attention to this process, as opposed to just going through the movements and not learning anything from it, is how I’m coming to know and now appreciate my worth. I can actually see myself growing. There’s beginning to be no need for others to try and convince me of my value…I’m seeing it for myself.
Now more than ever I’m understanding the principle of the trusting the process. By taking advantage of every moment of this opportunity and acknowledging, truthfully and for myself, the quality that lies within me, I’m slowly breaking away from being the uncertainty and insecurity that has clouded me these last few years. I’m very much so looking forward to the next few months. Not only for the paydays as I mentioned in my last video blog, but also for more insight into what I’m good at, what drives me to succeed, what makes me happy, and what will propel me forward. I’m growing exponentially and am being prepared for something tremendous and astonishing. I can feel it; and I can’t wait!
I got my first paycheck from my new job today; and I’m really excited about utilizing the budgeting skills I’ve adopted in the last year of being unemployed. I had to share.
Anyone who has ever reached a significant level of success will tell you that it didn’t come without an great deal of hard work and determination. I myself have worked hard to achieve the successes of my life thus far; although I feel like things have generally come to me easier than I anticipated. These days, however, the idea of hard work & determination bring with it a challenge that has been far too overwhelming for me to face head on.
After years of stable and steady corporate employment, I am now looking to build a career for myself as an entertainment entrepreneur. What’s problematic about this new venture is that I don’t have a clear picture of what I really want to do with myself in this industry; and as a result, I’ve had trouble getting started. I know whatever I end up doing, I’ll be building this career from the ground up, without a template to base my ideas on. That frightens me. I believe in my heart that I am destined to do brilliant and amazing things- specifically within and for the gay and African American communities to which I belong- but, unlike the path that has led to my previous successes, there is no blueprint, that I’ve discovered, for building an empire of my own. It’s not that I expect things to be handed to me (I’ve never simply been given anything), but I do wish I had some firm ground to stand on and give me a boost. The subtle ease with which things have manifested for me in the past has admittedly made me a bit spoiled. I thought that I could do the same amount of work, be recognized for it, and subsequently catapulted into career-advancing stardom. I was wrong. “Hustle” and “Grind” are words- verbs, really- that have held very little meaning for me since the urban communities in entertainment, social networking, and on the street adopted them to describe the relentless pursuit of dreams fulfilled. As I ponder their usage and meaning in relation to my own pursuit, I see the hilarity of my thinking that I could build my own career so easily. I’m not putting in half of the work and time that hustlers and grinders the world over are giving to their projects; yet I sit here wondering why things haven’t jumped off for me already. Hard work and determination have been re-defined, and I’m behind the curve now, instead of in front of it. It’s time to get to work.
Though the big picture of my career may still be uncertain, what I do have- that I didn’t recognize or give myself credit for in the past- is this here blog and my trusty little video camera. Turns out I do have a template, I just haven’t been applying it…at least not enough to keep up with the other runners on the track. There is nothing overwhelming about writing a blog post or making a video. Look at what B. Scott has created in a matter of just 2 years. That’s “grindin’” right there for ya. What I need to do is adopt the grind for myself and trust that what I need will be revealed to me as I go along. “Trust the process,” as my friend, Jashiro would say. I feel like the clouds are clearing out of my mind right now, leaving nothing but bright blue sky in their wake; and I’m taking hold of this new-found clarity and running like a bat out of hell. Try not to choke on the dust I leave behind. Don’t bother me… I’m on my hustle!
Allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Will McNair, and this is the Evolution Of A Man!
My friend mentioned this to me today as we were strolling down the street. He was describing the manner in which men (specifically black men) saunter around the blocks of their neighborhood. “You know the kind of guys you see walking around that just have that swagger- that emanating presence of confidence and sexuality,” he said? “They walk with their dicks!” My right eye twitched and eventually released a heavy side-eye upon the fuckery I thought was that statement; but trotting down the long stretch of road leading to the Utica A-train I encountered several guys who, as subtly as they could, directed their gaze to my friend and his apparent “swagger.” I was intrigued by his theory. There were glances in his direction as we approached, and turned, back-facing gazes as we passed. Whether or not they were checking him out, I don’t know; but they were looking…hard. He attributed all the attention to the confidence in his step (he said he feels amazing today) and the security he has in his own manhood, asserting, “I may be a little feminine, but I got a dick and I love being a man. Guys look at me and like my swagger ‘cuz I, like them, walk with my dick. That’s what you gotta do… walk with your dick!”
walk. with. my. dick. hmmm…
I’ve given much thought to the general meaning of the word, “swagger” and I’m admittedly still a little fuzzy; at least I was until this afternoon. I looked it up in the Urban Dictionary and found several definitions. A person’s swagger (or “swagga” as it is more commonly known) is:
“How one presents him or her self to the world. Swagger is shown from how the person handles a situation. It can also be shown in a person’s walk.”
I didn’t quite grasp onto this particular definition- the use of the word “situation” here irked me and derailed my understanding. I kinda hate how much we [read: black people (including myself)] repeatedly use that word as a way to, I dunno, NOT fully describe the events or circumstances about which we’re talking… but that’s just me. I found another, more satisfying, definition that simply defined “swagger” as:
“A person’s style- the way they walk, talk, dress.”
Clearly, defining the word “swagger” isn’t all that difficult and I’m just slow. After reading through some of the other definitions, though, I realized that my confusion isn’t about how swagger is defined, but more so how [a prominent] swagger is exuded. I’ve only really heard the word used to describe the more urban or “hood” dick-walkers figures of the black male community as opposed to someone like myself… or, say, Wayne Brady. Can I not have swagger; or is my swagger just not yet evolved? The suggestion to “walk with your dick” does sound appealing in this I-haven’t-had-sex-in-over-a-year age, but would it really give me swagger? What does it even mean to walk with your dick? I decided to put it to the test.
While traipsing around Soho this afternoon with my newly self-proclaimed dick-walking friend I, myself, tried to attempt walking with my dick. When my thoughts traveled to the task at hand I pushed my groin outward, and drew all my attention to the power of my penile area. It felt, for a minute, very “welcome to my penis”-esque (and I’m sure my facial expressions could have gotten me arrested, somewhere); but soon the concept set in, over the execution, and I was able to pull my body together. I recognized that it’s not about expressing my penis power physically (the penis, in fact, is irrelevant altogether), but about expressing the confidence—the swagger—behind it. “Walk with your dick” now made sense- giving me a thoughtful and fun way to exude confidence; and my side-eye the space to retreat and slumber once again.
When it comes to having swagger, you exude it by way of being. Being tha shit—many imitators, but no contenders! You take that mentality with you everywhere you go, and use it in everything you do. You WALK WIT YO’ DICK! Oh, it’s on- my life is now changed! I have crossed over into swagger territory, people. It’s only a matter of time before I reach official dick-walker status! My grind is on and my hustle has stepped up. It’s about to go down! Who’s got their swagga on?
will on January 20th, 2010
