Last week was one of the most productive and enjoyable weeks I’ve had in a really long time. It was one of those weeks where I found myself singing, “Oh, what a beautiful morning” as I skipped out the door heading to work each day. Everything was going my way!
At the start of this week, however, my song had turned into a quiet hum; and my skip, a lazy gangsta lean. “What happened…where’d it all go,” I found myself thinking? As it turns out, the excitement I cultivated last week fled with the lack of productivity I settled for over the past few days. I didn’t do shit this weekend except be lazy and have fun with friends. I neglected and avoided work at all costs. As enjoyable as that was, by the end of the day yesterday, I was back in the sulky “what am I doing with my life” mood of 2 weeks ago, having forgotten that I do have a purpose, a goal, and a task to complete.
Not feeling too well this morning, I took a sick day and decided to do some work. I have a script due tomorrow that I’ve been avoiding writing because, well, I’ve never done it before and don’t know what I’m doing, or if I’ll be any good at it. You know…the usual complaints that keep me from working. I hesitantly turned on my computer and returned to the script this afternoon; and 2 hours later I was running around my apartment, animatedly acting out scenes in my underwear, fueled by the anticipation of seeing my words come to life. The excitement, energy and productivity of last week had returned!
I realized that, quite simply, if you do the work, the excitement will come. The work itself is a motivator; especially if it involves doing something that can and will lead you to fulfilling a dream. I implore you to think about the work you’ve been avoiding as it relates to your goals and dreams. Sure, it can at times seem incredibly daunting and/or boring; but the truth is, you gotta do what you have to do in order to do what you want to do. And what we all have to do, is work. Performing the tasks laid out in front of you could very well be all the motivation you need to keep your passion alive, and return excitement to the monotony of your day, and your life. So…let’s get to it, shall we? Yes, lets!
Have you ever had one of those awesomely great and productive weeks that led you to raise your head to the heavens as ask, “God, what are you up to?” Yah…I’m all up in that space this week. I’m certain that God is right at work in me and my life; and He’s about to show up and SHOW OUT!
It all started last Tuesday. I went to my weekly prayer meeting, Touch and Agree, in a rather solemn mood. I felt as though my life was at a stand-still. Sure, there were things- bits of opportunity- sort of buzzing around me; but I couldn’t sum up the interest or desire to grab something and run with it. I know-that I know-that I know that I’m created for greatness and success in this world, but I wasn’t sure how, or in what capacity. That was causing me to doubt and have concern for my life. The overwhelming response I got from my T&A fam was to be encouraged, talk to God about what I’m going through, and ask for clarity as to what HE wants me to do and where HE wants me to go. They introduced me to Psalm 16:11 which says:
You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. (MSG)
I left the meeting thanking God for these people he’s brought into my life, and asking him to help me see-give me clarity on- what I’m supposed to be doing. I wanted to be excited about my life again.
Cut to the weekend: I attended a party at a good friend’s house on Friday, at which I was teeming with ideas–that came out of nowhere– for a project that we’ve recently begun working on. I mean, I could not stop vomiting ideas. Million dollar ideas, too! I rested up a bit on Saturday, but for the rest of the weekend, I found myself overwhelmed with the drive to work. I put Friday’s ideas down on paper, began planning the next 6 months of the venture with my friend, got my blog writing back together, re-designed my vision board, and began working on a script. All the while jumping around my apartment in excitement, thanking God for answering my prayer. By the time I went to bed on Sunday, I KNEW– and, like, knew that I knew that I knew–exactly what I’m supposed to be doing at this stage of my life.
Monday, another friend of mine had a birthday party. It was there I ran into 2 acquaintances, who I hadn’t seen in YEARS! Both of them had been influential to me- one for her exuberant take on life and overall fabulousness, and the other for her drive and discipline in the area of financial wealth and stability. It was through meeting them, years ago, that I started learning to budget my money and began creating a career and financially stable life for myself (although, admittedly, that sort of fell apart when I lost my job 2 years ago). When I saw them at the party, I literally started screaming! I told them how inspired I’d been by them, and they updated me on the events of their lives. One is now journeying into home-ownership and the other, increasing her career and wealth- teaching her friends how to do the same. Before I knew it, I was being educated on the tricks of buying a home and introduced to the advanced level of budgeting and financial independence. Believing that there’s a reason and a plan for everything, I left that party feeling very grand, with an overall sensation that my life is really about to change…toward something amazing!
Then, today, while engaged in my morning bathroom routine, God said, “Don’t forget to email ‘Tracy’ and ‘Terry’ about the information they mentioned on Monday.” I was like, yes, Lord for your beautiful reminders! I emailed the ladies this morning, and am now being sent all kinds of links and spreadsheets, offers of advice, and encouraging exclamations of the great things that are about to happen in my life given this new information, goal and journey.
Excitedly overwhelmed by all that is happening this week, all I can do at this moment is say, Thank You, Jesus! You’re up to somethin’, dude. Whatever it is, keep it comin’! I’m ready and willing. I thank you and I trust you! Let’s do this!
I awoke to the sound of rain this morning. As I looked, from my bed, out of the window, my first thought was, “aww fuck, it’s raining. I got shit to do!” Then a voice within me—in the manner of my very own British manservant– replied, “Not to fret, young William. Today, is Sunday.” A sigh releasing from my lips, I plopped myself back onto the mattress and exclaimed, “Oh, Jeeves! SUNDAY!” All was beautiful and perfect in the world, once again.
As per Genesis 2:2- “And on the seventh day, he rested” (I’m paraphrasing), I am doing whatever the hell I want today! Fortunately for me, I am in a productive spirit. I am currently sitting on my couch, enjoying the peaceful sounds of raindrops falling on my Bed-Stuy Street, browsing the internet, watching porn and, well…writing this blog post (I’m gettin’ my new template, dammit!). Here is a space in which I haven’t been in a very long time. And I’m loving it!
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Anyway, my gMail just led me to a profile I have on a gay networking and dating site. I haven’t been here in a while and, truth be told, I almost forgot it existed. My profile inbox had one solitary message, which I excitedly opened:
Umm…did he say, “Your beauty is beyond Description?” I don’t even know how to take that! Part of me thinks he’s just blowing smoke up my ass to get me to reply to him, but there’s a piece of me that wonders if this is how he really feels. And if so, do I really believe that of myself enough to consider it a serious display of affection? The truth is I don’t. Not completely, anyway. I saw this message as a joke- partially because it’s really over-the-top, but also because who would ever think such things of me? This latter concern is a problem!
I have fantasies of my dream guy wooing and courting me into his life with verbal and physical tokens of his affection, because to him, I’m “the one;” I am his everything. It’s a beautiful story that I can’t wait to share, one day, with my children and grandchildren. But it won’t happen if I don’t believe I’m worthy.
I couldn’t get past this thought, so I had to write about it. It looks like I’ve got more “loving myself” work to do. I’m going to sit with this for a minute.
So, here’s the deal. My blog needs an upgrade. Not only have I been rocking this same template for, like, 3 years; but also, I haven’t been on a consistent writing cycle in damn near the same amount of time. I’ve been slippin’ stylistically (is that a word?), and as a writer with some damn talent. Not good.
I know I’ve said this a bazillion times, but it’s time for me to get myself together and start acting like the successful, intelligent, ambitions and driven entrepreneur that I am. I’m not working nearly as hard as I should–meeting God half-way so that he may bless and ascend me to newer, more successful heights–and it is time for me to start participating in my own career. I need to start making things happen for myself. So, I’ve come up with a little challenge.
I want to get back into my writing- especially on this blog, and I want to start making some career and confidence-building moves in my life. There’s a part of me that feels like a new blog design will help me to write and work more; but I have not yet worked for, nor do I deserve at this point, a new sleek and sexy design. Enter the Get Yo’ Shit Together, Will blog challenge. My next paycheck (my first as an official, non-temporary employee) comes on August 31st. If, by that date, I write and post 6 or more new blog entries, I will reward myself, and you, reader (if anyone still reads this thing anymore), with a new blog design. Sounds like a cool deal to me.
Can I do it? Will I rise to the challenge to create a better me and a sleeker Evolution Of A Man website? We’ll see…but I’m thinkin’, “YES! HELL YES!”
The lesson I’m learning in my life right now is one of forgiveness. Back in January, a “friend” of mine decided he no longer wanted to be friends with me, and he cut me out of his life (note the “God Shook My Tree” post below). In my opinion, he did so hasitly and as an excuse to not have to hold himself accountable for the things he said, did and/or promised to me. Regardless, for 5 long and hard months, I was faced with re-building the life that I had lost– having given most of it to him– and really putting in effort to getting to know myself and realizing my own true worth and value. As a result of such work, I became a stronger person with a more sturdy foundation and sense of self. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m far from where I once was.
In May, this “friend” returned with hugs and laughter- promising to make amends and move forward in a new, better direction of friendship. While he never apologized for his actions, and in fact got upset that I brought up my trepidation for letting him back into my life again, he, in a small way, did fess up to, for lack of a better phrase, having been a dick earlier this year; but he never really took full responsibility for his actions. Wanting us to be better friends, I let him back into my life.
All was well and good until a few weeks ago when, while we were hanging out at my apartment watching the BET Awards, he abruptly got up from the couch, said he had to go, and left. Earlier, we had a weird discussion and slight disagreement over something insipid, but we squashed it quickly and moved on with our night. Or so I thought. I have no clue what turned after that convo, but he got real quiet, and, about 15 minutes later, as I was cooking dinner, he got up and said, “I’m not going to be able to stay…I have to go do something.” As he was leaving, I questioned if it was something I did and asked what happened. He kept repeating, unconvincingly, “No, I’m fine. It’s ok.” I asked one last time as he exited the front door, and he looked at me with cold eyes and very sternly said, “I’M FINE” and walked away. For two days I texted, emailed, called and facebooked him asking him what happened. I seriously had (and still have) no idea what I may have said or done that caused him to act this way or if I even did anything at all. I’d gotten not one response from any of my communication and after a few days, I reluctantly called it quits alltogether.
Someone in my prayer group last week encouraged me to adopt the practice of forgiveness in this situation. I’d been scratching my head trying to figure out what happened. My “friend” was updating facebook with statuses about evil people hiding behind Jesus, how he’s tried to be a good friend to undeserving people, and other statements where he used God to uplift himself and renounce others. I found myself getting, once again, very resentful and hurt by him. My prayer group told me about forgiveness and how necessary it is in order to move on. Forgiveness, while difficult and slow to do, is not for the other person who wronged you, but it is for you. I’m so angry at my “friend,” but really, I’m angry at myself for allowing this to happen AGAIN! I left the prayer meeting determined to forgive him and let him go. The advice was to keep telling myself that I forgive him and let God do the rest. Enough is enough and I need to move on.
The next morning in the shower I came up with this little affirmation that I now find myself repeating whenever my “friend’ comes into my head. I’m almost astonished at how well and how quickly it works to calm me down, help me to forgive and forget, and allow me to move on with my life. Sure, I have to say it like 1,000 a day, but it’s helping me to focus on other parts of my life and myself that are, frankly, way more important. I’ve heard it said before, but it really is true… forgiveness is the way to healing!
I don’t know if my “friend” will reappear again (he’s done this twice before, only to come back 1-5 months later acting as if nothing’s happened), but if he does, I really need remind myself that I forgive him and I love him, but he’s not healthy for me. As for the future, when we’ve both grown up and past all this, who knows. But for right now, I have to move forward.
The inevitable, and unfortunately necessary has finally happened!
Earlier this month on Twitter, PR agent extraordinaire, Marvet Britto (@MarvetBritto for all you Twitter fans) tweeted that a great practice for entering 2010 would be to pray and ask God to shake your tree- getting rid of anyone or anything in our lives that keeps you from moving forward and ascending to your promised destiny. Now, I didn’t pray this prayer, but God decided to shake my tree anyway.
There is a person in my life who I care for very deeply, but who has, in my opinion, not been a very good friend to me. We have had some really great times together, but he has taken more than he has given- leaving me feeling used and unappreciated. On the flip side, I have pressured him and tried to make him into someone he is not for my satisfaction- making me less than a stellar homeboy, myself. Friends and family have repeatedly told and asked me to delete him from my life, but having grown far too attached and attracted to him- making him my whole life- I refused, no matter how many times he may have disappointed me or abused my friendship and generosity.
This past weekend, things came to a head between us, and we had an argument over something stupid and, really, meaningless; but it highlighted many very problematic issues within our friendship. In the end, he said he was done and, after first pleading with him to work it out, I eventually came to the same conclusion. I don’t want to let him go, but I know I need and have to. Having made him such a big piece and focus of my life, I have blocked a great deal of positive people, blessings, circumstances, and opportunities from coming into my life. I truly care for him, but I understand that our friendship has run it’s course, and we both need to move on.
I take from this experience many lessons. For starters, I have learned that I cannot buy friendship, or love. It was not my intention to do so, but the nature and progression of our friendship led me to believe that I could. I manipulated him by giving of my finances in an effort to keep him around; and he manipulated me by making promises he had no intention of keeping- just to keep me (and my pockets) around. We stood on a shaky foundation of friendship that we ourselves built, but could not level or balance. We were both wrong, but I should have known better. The second thing I learned is that I can’t always trust what people say. There are some who will promise you things and say things to you just to appease you in the moment and get what they want; but will forget their words almost immediately when their needs have been taken care of; and will never hold themselves accountable for their words or actions. I learned that it is up to me to recognize when I’m being played and respond accordingly. That’s all I have to say about that. Third, I learned that it is really important for me to start saying what I mean and mean what I say, instead of just saying what is easier and simple. I tend to run from confrontation and as a result of not speaking my heart, I end up getting trampled on and taken advantage of. I need to grow some balls and stand strong in my feelings and opinions. The last lesson (or at least the last I will share) is that I learned that pressuring people to do something- regardless of whether they’ve suggested, offered or promised it to you or not- will eventually drive them away. Amidst the repeated assurance that “It’ll happen…just be patient and let it happen naturally,” and “you’re one of my best friends. I love you…I got your back,” that occurred over the course of 3 years, I grew impatient and added pressure to get what I wanted as he was already getting what he wanted time and time again. Eventually, we both got fed up… he of the pressure I put on him, and me of the empty promises and wallet. In the future, I need to evaluate and assess my motives before giving of myself, and be patient with what I am promised, expected or wish to receive in return. I learned these lessons the incredibly hard way, but as a result, they are lessons I will never forget.
Now that we have parted ways, I have some soul-searching to do. In all this, I realize that I can do much better for myself and, more importantly, I deserve much better! I lost my power, amongst other things, in this friendship- I gave it to him… he had it all. It’s time for me to regain it all back. God has shaken my tree, and a few apples have fallen- giving me the opportunity to regrow stronger branches, and bear more nourishing, healthier fruit. Though it plagues me to realize, I need to spend some time alone- me, myself, and I- to come back to the middle and determine what it is I truly want and need. God is with me and he invited this to happen so that he and I could become closer, and I could get back on track to do the work he has placed in me to do. I struggle with wanting to chase after this guy and attempt to mend our friendship, but I must stay strong. I have so much more to do with my life, and it is imperative that I change my focus in order to ascend to my destiny and a life of fulfilling success and happiness.
I will always care for and love him, and I wish him well; but I must take the lessons he and this friendship have taught me and let him go. I’m incredibly saddened that our friendship had to end at all, let alone on a negative note, but as he’s repeatedly suggested I do, I have to do me. And so, with a bruised heart, ego, and spirit, I’m taking his advice, thanking God for the blessing of the experience and freedom, and doing what is necessary for and beneficial for me and my future. It’s gonna be hard as hell (it already is), but I know I’ll make it through just fine.
When one door closes, another opens. But before I walk through, I’ve got to take a long, hard look at myself. God has shaken my tree, and now, laced with more pearls of wisdom, my evolution continues…
When I woke up this morning, I had no idea how I was going to celebrate Thanksgiving. I had 4 open invitations to dinner, but I was indecisive about where I actually wanted to go. I sat on my couch watching the parade wondering if that was all I’d end up doing today. Then I took a shower and my day suddenly came alive. While lathering up- gettin’ so fresh and clean- something inside me said, “Wait…don’t you love to cook? Isn’t this one of your favorite holidays because of the food? Why aren’t you cooking?” I thought to myself, “YEAH” as I rinsed off. Cooking is one of my favorite pastimes. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t be standing over a pot dishing up my favorites for dinner. I immediately went right into action- creating a menu of my favorite things and hittin’ the grocery store. And then, I started cooking my ass off!
I made Cornish hens stuffed with wild rice & sausage, candied yams, greens, ham, cornbread, and sweet potato pie. I went in; and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I really love cooking, and it was very nice to spend those few hours in the kitchen connecting with a passion while thanking God for all he has done for me. I invited over a couple friends who otherwise wouldn’t have really had a Thanksgiving dinner and we feasted abundantly. The greens came out a little salty (twas my first attempt at making them), but everything was still really good- at least to my taste.
I have so much to be thankful for this year. For starters, I have my life and my health. The past week has been rough after having a slight medical episode last Friday; and it only made me realize how precious life is and how we should cherish and maintain our health and each moment we are given. I’ve vowed to start taking better care of myself- exercising more, eating better, and watching what and how much I put into my body.
Additionally, I’m surrounded by family and friends whom I love and who love me; and for that I am truly grateful. Somtimes we forget about the love that surrounds us. We all have people in our lives who care about us and love us to death. I, for one, am going to make a better effort to show my appreciation for those people on a more regular basis.
Finally, I am grateful and thankful for all that I do have and all that I am. I may not be who or were I want to be, but I am constantly growing and am leaps and bounds past who and where I once was. It’s only by the grace of God that I’m allowed to lead such a joyful life- even though I may not always view it as such- and I am so thankful for all he has given and offered me. I really do live a great life. It’s high time I start recognizing that for real.
As I begin to look to 2010 I’m really pinpointing the things that I want to work on and accomplish. I want to be more patient and live for the journey as opposed to the destination. Much of 2009 was lost for me out of my concentrating on and complaining about where I wanted to be instead of appreciating the process of getting there. I also want to start acknowledging myself more- stop puttin’ myself down so much and start giving myself credit for all that I accomplish, small and tremendous. I also want to foster better relationships with my family and friends. I don’t get along very well with my family. I’ve secluded myself from them because I’ve always felt uncomfortable around them. I’m hoping to change that.
All of this will take work. Hard work. I’m a stubborn individual, who lives an incredibly structured life; and it’s gonna take a lot for me to relax, stop taking life so seriously and enjoy the journey, while pushing myself out of my comfort zone to create the life of my dreams. I’m dedicated to not live in my 30’s as I did my 20’s. I’m thankful for the clarity this year has brought me, and I’m looking forward to the challenge that lies ahead. I realize now that it’s up to me to make this growth happen. Not anyone else.
I hope you all had an enjoyable turkey day and will take the time to reflect and be thankful for all that you have and all that you are. Lots of love, hugs and kisses to you! Happy Thanksgiving!
Usually on Tuesday nights you can find me at a Starbucks somewhere in Midtown attending Touch and Agree- my weekly prayer meeting. However, after an unsettling discussion at the meeting two weeks ago, I’ve decided to take a little break.
The topic that arose that week revolved around who, in the end, will gain entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven. One of the members of the group was explaining a book she was reading in which the author references the Torah, the Koran, and the Bible in an effort to accurately trace, back to Abraham, the lineage of the Muslim, Jewish, and Christian religions. As I sat and listened to her description of the book, a question began to surface in my mind: “What happens to those who don’t believe in the teachings of the Bible when they pass on?” I posed this question to the group and was met with a variety of different answers- which then sparked a rather interesting discussion.
At first, when I offered the example of someone living outside of a modern civilization who has never heard of Jesus before, I was told that in their case, Jesus would simply look at what’s in their heart when deciding whether they should be let into the Kingdom. Fair enough. I pushed a little further and asked about those who made up other religions- Jews, Muslims, etc.- as well as those people who have no religion, but are more spiritual- Buddhists and Yogi’s. This is where things got heated. We talked about what these other religions believe that is in opposition to the Christian belief that Jesus died on the cross and is the risen Messiah. Everyone at the table was very adamant about Christianity- or the belief that Jesus is the risen Messiah- being the only way to gain eternal life. The Bible was quoted as saying (and I’m paraphrasing for I am not well versed in scripture), that the word of God will reach the 4 corners of the earth; every man will make a choice, and those who do not accept that belief will not be allowed passage. One girl went as far as saying, “I know with complete certainty that if you don’t believe then you will not be allowed into the Kindgom.” This is where I just shut down!
Excuse me? You know with complete certainty? I don’t think so. Yes, you may believe with complete certainty, but there’s no way you could possibly know for a fact who will and will not gain entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven. I was so floored by that statement, and over the conversation as a whole, that I just sat there in silence. I didn’t reply- especially as I was the only one at the table who seemed to disagree. But that comment, and the subsequent backing from the rest of the group, took me back to why I stopped going to church and became spiritual over religious in the first place. There is nothing wrong with believing the teachings of the Bible and leading your life accordingly; but I take serious issue with a number of Christians who shut out and condemn any person or thinking that differs from what they “know” as truth. This girl, and what felt like everyone else at that table, was ready to send countless people straight to hell for not believing what she believes- just because of what the book that sat in front of her said. Suppose she wasn’t a Christian. Suppose she grew up as a Jew reading the Torah. She would have no idea about the teachings of Christ, and would have a completely different set of values and beliefs. Would she then believe that she was going to hell? Not at all.
I brought up my recent foray into Orpah’s Spiritual podcast channel, which drew more of the same type of commentary. Most threw out the whole idea of general Spirituality saying, “no…you can’t just wrap everything together and call it the Universe- someone’s in control. He has a name, and you should respect that and call him by his name… it’s God.” Eckhart Tolle’s book, “A New Earth”- a book from which I’ve gained a great deal of insight- was brought up in the discussion, and someone mentioned that she advised a friend who was reading it to throw the book out- calling it “the devil’s book”- and asking how can you be a Christian and go by something that doesn’t claim God or follow the Bible? By this time I had had enough. We had to break the discussion because the diner we were in was closing, and as we scooted out to find another location, I took the opportunity to excuse myself and go home. I haven’t been back to the group since.
I am a believer- let me make that clear. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, was buried, and that he is the risen Messiah. But what I don’t believe is that acknowledging and believing that is the only way to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven and gain eternal life. If God is omnipresent and can commune with us in many different ways, then why can’t we do the same? I’m not saying that all religions and methods of spirituality are acceptable- I don’t know for sure what is and isn’t valid- but I do think that the road to knowing, believing in, and following God, and eventually getting into the Kingdom, has many lanes and many passages.
will on August 31st, 2010
