The [unwritten] rule ’round here is that you can claim you’re from New York after 5, 7, or 10 years; depending on who you talk to. But today I’m officially and undoubtedly asserting that I am a full-fledged, betta-not-f*ck-with-me, New Yawkah! From Brooklyn (put ya lighters up).

The past 10 years have been filled with many ups, downs, and all-arounds, which have benefited me greatly, and helped mold me into the person I am today. I can honestly say I came here a boy, and now consider myself a grown-ass-man. Reading the journals from my first year in New York, it was clear that I knew NOTHING and was scared of EVERYTHING!! Although I had a job, I hadn’t the slightest clue how to search for an apartment, hail a cab, or go out and meet people without the benefit of a college dorm/student group. Also, I was out of the closet, but not yet fully comfortable with my sexuality; which resulted in me doing things like looping the block two or three times before summoning up the courage to walk into a gay bar, coffee shop (remember the Big Cup?) or even the LGBT Center. I was a mess!

Though I still have a certain naivete about me (which I LOVE), and am continuously pushing toward breaking out of the shell of my insecurities; I am not the timid, wildly gullible and easily manipulated young pup I was back in 2002. Papa’s seen some things and mastered some rules. I can get a NY apartment in a week, walk into any gay bar or establishment without a second thought, can recognize when someone’s tryin’ to play me, can hail a cab with the best of ‘em, and am definitely more comfortable now with starting random conversations with strangers. My New York life has certainly been a blessed one, fostering tremendous growth in numerous ways. And I can’t wait to see what’s next!

From where I sit, I’m a “lifer.” I’ve got my laptop, my comfy apartment, and a handful of friends and acquaintances whom I love dearly. I ain’t goin’ no where. Just call me Carrie f*cking Bradshaw! Looking forward, however, I want to EXPAND! I’ve got a really great foundation under my feet, and I’m now ready and beginning to build UP, both personally and professionally. There are still soooo many cool places I’ve yet to visit, and sooo many interesting people I’ve yet to meet in this vibrant and eternally exciting city. Professionally, I’ve been blessed enough to work for companies here that many would kill to be a part of, and now I want and am working to create, launch and build a viable, successful and lucrative business that I can call more of my own. Oh, and, let’s not forget…I’m still looking for love (where you at, man?). I am determined to take full advantage of this next part of my New York journey. The first 10 years have been nothing short of amazing; and I am fully confident that the best is yet to come!

Happy 10-year New York Anniversary to me!

If I’m not making them myself, there are two places I usually frequent for waffles. Max Brenner (the chocolate man) makes these “After Party Belgium Waffles” that make me forget I’m single EVERY time I eat them. Then, when I’m feeling frugal [read: cheap], I enjoy the waffles at the Waverly Diner.  Monday, after recovering from my New Years Day celebration, I decided to treat myself to a last-time-for-a-long-time Max Brenner Waffle plate. Sadly, there was a 45-minute wait for a table–which I wasn’t having AT ALL–so I, for the first time, looked to Foursquare to suggest a place for waffles. Per what seemed like a wonderful tip: “I love the waffles here. Worth visiting here all the way from lower Manhattan just for this place,” I found myself on the Upper West Side walking into Cafe Lalo:

As soon as I opened the door to the small but homely restaurant, I was hit with the sweet smells of baked goods and coffee, and the sounds of old jazz music and vibrant conversation. The walls were decorated with both modern and vintage French-themed posters, which made this lover of all things tourist-related feel like I was on vacation- a warm and welcomed departure from the cyclical familiarity of my Manhattan dining experiences.

One look at the vast assortment of cakes, pies, crossaints and other baked goods behind the counter, and I knew that I was home. This meal was about to be gooood! Without adult supervision or a pauper’s income I would have been in some serious trouble…fat-fetus be damned. But my wallet wasn’t havin’ it, and, furthermore, I was on a mission. Waffles! No time for dessert.

I barely bothered with the menu, knowing full well what I wanted; however, I perused through it nonetheless. They had a bunch of delicious-sounding entrees including a French “Kiss” Quiche and a Bulgarian Country Torte; but I’m not about that life. I was all about the Authentic Belgian Waffle with strawberries and whipped cream. I ordered and asked for bacon on the side; to which my waitress smiled and replied “no meat.” What? No bacon?? *sigh.* After forcing my side-eye into retreat, I smiled back and asked for hot chocolate instead. Bacon, chocolate…fried sex, liquid sex. Either way, my mouth would be happy [pause, again]. I sipped on my hot chocolate and made busy on my iPhone, taking in the general splendor of my surroundings, until this was placed in front of me.

The woman next to me, staring at my plate, looked at me and said, “you’re a man after my own heart.” I looked at her and said, “please don’t judge me for what’s about to happen.” Then I dug in! Y’all…that waffle was SO. DAMN. GOOD! It was sweet, with a hint of spice, without being overwhelmingly doughy. And the strawberries and cream just took it to another level of mouthgasmic yumminess. It tasted like the birth of Jesus. Glorious!

Needless to say, I’ll be revisiting Cafe Lalo. For the waffle, and to have a go at the desert bar:

I strongly suggest you do the same.

Cafe Lalo is located at 201 W. 83rd Street in Manhattan.
It’s notable to mention there is a minimum credit card charge of $25.

I’ve been away for a while–thinking, reflecting, evaluating and such; but working on some interesting and cool stuff as well. One such thing is a new venture called The Crooked Gene. And it is my great pleasure to announce today, the launch of The Crooked Gene Blog Network.

The Crooked Gene Blog Network is a directory of LGBT and LGBT-friendly blogs and Tumblrs. Our mission here is simple- to provide a platform for new and established writers to share their work; and give readers a seamless connection to the minds and literary talents of our community. We’ve been working hard on creating a fun & sophisticated site worthy of the immense talent in our community, and I’m so happy I can finally share it with you all.

I can’t tell you how excited I am about this venture. I do hope you guys will come along…it’s gonna be a great ride. I feel as though I’m drawing nearer to my calling through The Crooked Gene. I’ve always have had a passion for entertaining, helping and inspiring others–especially individuals in the LGBT community–and The Crooked Gene will allow me to do just that. But, as with everything, I have to remind myself that nothing will happen over night. Baby steps first, Will…baby steps.

So…everybody head on down to The Crooked Gene (www.thecrookedgene.com) and take a look. And if you’re a blogger yourself, click on over to the Apply Now page and submit your blog. We’d absolutely love to have you!

The answer is always “No.” Clearly, I’ve got a ways to go.

One of my weaknesses is that despite my outward optimism and general positivity, on the inside, I’m usually maddeningly pontificating on the things in my life that haven’t yet taken form–“wading in the pool of  ’what I don’t have’ and not basking in the glory of what I do have,” as a friend of mine put it. I have goals that I want to accomplish and dreams for my life I want to achieve, but as I’m not sure how to make them happen, the voices of pessimism in my head usually win. At least twice in the past week, someone close to me has responded to my complaining with something to the effect of “well, you’re only in this space because you want to be.”

*blink*

Part of me gets really heated when I hear shit like that. I don’t even know what that means. I mean I’m not at all, at least consciously, desiring to live a life ruled by the negative thoughts that enter my head, or the things I feel I’m lacking. Why would anyone want that? Trust me, I DON’T want to be in this space…I just don’t know how to move past those thoughts, or shrug them off completely, when they hit me. So I just stop moving and shut down. Again, my friend stepped in to tell me about myself, and smack some sense into me…

“You would rather deal with these feelings than the fear of the unknown. If you let that bullshit go, the only thing left are your goals and it scares you. You’re working for your best friend. At your own pace/schedule…on something you’ve always wanted. And you’re not having a good day? MAN UP!

BTW…no one knows how to reach their goals. This is where safety ends and faith begins. Faith without works is dead…having faith and waiting [around for ish to happen] does nothing  :-)”

Umm, Will…your lack of faith is showing!

I had such strong faith when I was a kid/teenager. But then again, what I was facing then is nothing in comparison to what I’m facing now. New blessings, new demons, as they say. I’m seeing that in order to overcome them, my faith must be stretched. In fact, that’s why these newer, stronger demons (negative thoughts, lack of confidence, etc.) exist in the first place…to strengthen my faith, as well as to help me grow and put me closer and closer to reaching my dreams.

I was pointed (by my aforementioned friend…you know who you are and I HEART YOU!) to a few scriptures that really shed some light on the subject of stretched faith and staying strongs in times of difficulty:

“James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, to the twelve tribes scattered among the nations. Greetings.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom [if you don't know what you're doing], he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”

James 1:1-5 (NIV)

This one was also sort of mind-blowing:

“…and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

Romans 5:2-5 (NIV)

So basically, Will, everything happens for a reason; and it’s all to make you a stronger, better person…the person of greatness and success you were meant, no, CREATED to be. Shut up and do the work; trust God and allow yourself to be molded; and watch the life of your dreams appear right before your eyes. But you must [continue to] do the work.

I take my leave from this post with one final quote:

“You gotta do what you HAVE to do, in order to do what you WANT to do”

~Denzel Washington

“…and what you WANT to do will be revealed by your doing what you HAVE to do!”

~Will McNair, in expectant gratitude

Consider me schooled.

If I’m being honest with myself, I’m working at about 40-50% of what I KNOW I can accomplish. I know I am capable of putting way more energy into the opportunities I’ve been given, and the work that I’ve been called to do. I could turn some shit out…I just know I can! And, really, this goes for every area of my life- my work life, my social life, my blog life, my health & diet life…everything! I am blessed to have a job that most people would kill for; and though I don’t at all think I’m wasting this opportunity, I know I could be kicking its ass, as opposed to playfully slapping it around.

So, what do I do? How do I fix this? I’m not looking to take on, say, Beyonce’s work ethic (that bitch crazy); but I definitely want to cultivate a healthy, strong work ethic that will lead to the life, lifestyle and accomplishments of my dreams. Every person whom I have ever considered a hero and/or inspiration  (Oprah, Will Smith, Beyonce, Ryan Seacrest) has ALWAYS given their all to their work, and played the game of life at 100%, if not 110%. I have to do the same. I suppose it all simmers down to owning my work and making the necessary sacrifices to get it done. I’m troubled that I haven’t yet found my passion, but I realize that it won’t be found if I sit idly doing nothing. The work that I’m doing now will lead me to the work that inspires and fuels me beyond understanding. Everything to that point is practice and education; so it makes sense that I must play at 100% now, in order to prepare me for being able to handle that passion once it is revealed to me.

What does this all mean? Basically, bitch Will…get’cho ass up at 8 instead of 9:30/10:00; get off the blogs (unless it’s your own) and get on those scripts-n-shit; put down those potato chips and pick up a damn carrot; and stop waiting for success to find you. Hunt that heifer down like she was a former lover who massacred you & everybody in the sanctuary at your wedding rehearsal, and u want sweet-ass muthaf*ckin’ revenge!

Plan your work, then work your plan…period! You have too much to do, and too high to soar to be standing by idly. Make the sacrifices and get to work! That is all.

As you can see, I gained a bit of weight; but as an update, I got an accurate measurement of my waist. It’s 34 inches, not 36. I’m claiming that as a weight loss victory. So there.

This week, I’m back to watching what and how much I eat. I’ve got a goal, dammit, and I fully intend on meeting it! My workouts are about to get kicked up a notch, too, since my trainer introduced [Kirby Fit] TRX Suspension Training to our workout last Thursday.

Y’all…this training system is NO JOKE! Straight from the military, it is made from the same stuff they use to make parachute straps, and is a portable full body workout. You hang it from the ceiling [or the top of a jungle gym if you're into the outdoor prison yard workout], and you use your own body weight and, of course, gravity to do hundreds of different exercises; all of which will leave you sore and feeling like you enlisted in bootcamp for the U.S. Navy Seals!

I must admit, I LOVE this training system! I’m someone who doesn’t like to work out; and I’m really not much of a fan of weight training. Anytime there is an added element of fun to take my mind off of actually working out, I’m happy. The TRX system is just plain fun! Sure it was one of the hardest workouts I’ve ever done, and if you don’t know what you’re doing you could break everything; but I really felt like a kid swinging, swaying, pulling and pushing my way toward a new body.

My trainer, Kirby Fit (previously known as “Non-Invasive Lipo Administrator”), is in love with TRX training, and has planned on almost fully integrating it into our workouts. I’m really excited! It’s hard to get in the swing of things, so to speak, as it requires a healthy dose of balance, but it’s a great fucking workout. I’m about to be sore as hell, but I know it’ll be worth it. And I know I’m gonna want one for myself soon, for the times when I’m not meeting with a trainer.

My workouts, and the “Fat-fetus Begone” Challenge, just got a lot more interesting and difficult; but more importantly…they’ve gotten much more fun!

Yesterday, I celebrated my 32nd birthday! It was quiet and relaxed–not as exciting as I had hoped–but it was indeed a good day.

I spent the day at home catching up on some DVR recordings and doing some reflecting. Bought myself a DELICIOUS strawberry shortcake from Juniors, took myself out to my favorite restaurant, and spent the evening with my friend Brandon, bar-hopping in Chelsea. It wasn’t the best birthday ever; but at the end of the day, I realize how truly blessed I am, and for that, I’m grateful!

I sit on the precipice of a new year of life feeling very optimistic. I believe 32 will be the best year of my life to date. For one, 32 is my favorite number. It has been since elementary school, and has always stuck with me [it's a really corny story...I'll tell you later]. Second, I’m excited about this year because of where I am in my life. I’ve got a great job that allows me to really create each and every day as I see fit, and it offers an obscene amount of growth opportunity. And then there’s my mental/physical space. Though I still very much so struggle with insecurity and  a lack of confidence/self-esteem, these days I’m really putting effort to facing them head-on and overcoming those issues. Plus, this “Fat-fetus Begone Challenge” is helping me to view myself and my life through different eyes. I want to be better…in every capacity of my life; and that’s the first step to making change happen.

I don’t know what’s in store for me this year, but I REALLY feel like something amazing is brewing and will manifest itself at any moment. It’s clear to me that I have to rise to the challenge of life–now more than ever–in order to make things pop off like I want them to. From getting my body together and working harder in my career, to recognizing my value and living my life accordingly, I’m burning my little boy britches and stepping into a fresh, sexy pair of man-panties. Life is for the taking, and I’m about to ride “32″ til the cows come home. Watch me work…watch me LIVE!!

I’m not posting a picture this week…I mean, there really isn’t a point considering you can’t actually see a difference in my body yet. But I will update my little weight tracker:

I worked out 4 days this week. 2 days of 1-hour strength training, and 2 days of 1-hour cardio. I skipped Wednesday because my trainer canceled our session due to the rain; which led me to say “ehh, fuck it” my damn self.

Diet-wise, it was a pretty good week. Oatmeal and a banana for breakfast, a turkey sandwich or hearty meal of chicken, veggies & brown rice for lunch, and chicken and veggies for dinner. Not too bad. However, since my metabolism is starting to ramp up, I find myself hungry ALL the time! That lead me, one night, to eat an entire box of Wheat Thins over the course of, like, 2 hours. Not good. Also, it appears that all bets are off during the weekend. I basically find myself eating any and everything from Friday to Sunday. My goal is to get that under control this week. One cheat day is cool, but three…not so much.

All in all I feel really great about my progress, consistency and discipline. It’s still too early to see any major results, but the change in weight has definitely boosted me to keep going and even pump up the volume.

Puzzled, I looked at my shirtless reflection and all became clear…I look damn near 3 months pregnant. No, seriously…3 months! Here, see for yourself:

Clearly, the sweet lovemaking in which food and I have been engaging as of late, coupled with my complete neglect of all things workout-related, has started to bear fruit. Slumped on the floor, cradling my fat-fetus, I realized how [SuperNanny voice] UNACCEPTABLE my fitness state is, and that something must be done…immediately.

A few days later I pooled my little coins together, and ran to New York Sports Clubs. I met with a nice young gentleman, who asked me how long it’d been since my last visit to the gym (I replied, “since Jesus was 12″), and what my fitness goals were (I pointed to my fat-fetus). He then hooked me up with a reduced-rate membership and passport access to all NYSC gyms. HUZZAH! Finally, he set me up with a trainer to get a “fitness read assessment.”

I met with the trainer, heretofore known as “Non-Invasive Lipo Administrator” and learned I’m even more out of shape than I thought. I barely made it through our workout. In-fact I didn’t make it. We had to end early as my body exclaimed, “bitch, you playin’ games,” and refused to go on–threatening me with nausea and light-headedness. The best part [and by "best" I mean "epic slave cry-inducing"] was when he put me on the scale, asked me to place the bar at what I thought I weighed, and then proceeded to move the bar a good 15 pounds to the right. I GAGGED!!! At 31 years old, standing at 5’10, I weigh 172 pounds and come in at 25% body fat!! Really, Lord…TWENTY FIVE PERCENT?!? I can’t! What happened to the days of me being able to eat and do whatever I wanted and still look like a toothpick? Turning 30 is no joke, y’all; for real!

Needless to say, it’s on! I was (secretly gladly) roped into purchasing a training package, and this week was the official kick-off for The “Fat-Fetus Begone” Challenge. This challenge is about 3 things:

Strengthening my body
Increasing stamina
Body sculpting

My focus is not to become a 6-pack, muscle Adonis by September. That’s both unrealistic and unnecessary. In this phase, I want to get my body back to where it was 4 years ago, when I looked and felt the best I ever have. I want the 2011 version of my 2007 body! I wanna stroll on somebody’s beach–damn near nekkid– looking toned & fit, and feeling healthy & amazing before Labor Day. And I’ve got roughly 4 months to do it!

Although everybody is different, they say it takes about 6 weeks to start seeing results–provided you are consistent in your working out and disciplined with your diet. At Week 1 (this week) of the “Fat-Fetus Begone” Challenge, this is where I stand:

(Damn, I really let myself go, didn’t I? SMH)

I must say, I’m really proud of my work this week. I’ve been to the gym every day since Monday and have disciplined myself with my diet. I see food as being the most difficult part. I love eating anything and everything in sight. But, what I’m finding is that there are just better things to eat than burgers, potato chips and cookies. I’m not completely removing them from my diet–if I want a burger, imma have a burger–but I am moderating and limiting my intake of such fat-gaining foods.

I’m really excited about this venture. Long-time readers of this blog know about my struggle with the gym. [In short...my freshman year of high school, someone put me in a weight training class; which resulted in me being trapped under a bench-press barbell while the rest of the class chanted, "free Wily." I was scarred for life.] This is probably my 15th attempt in the last 6 years to get my body together, but something about this time feels very different. I feel very different.  Yes, I want to get my body fit & looking good like the guys in the pic above (which I’m using for inspiration), but even more so, I want to do this for ME! And they say that you being on board and wanting to rise to the challenge is the first step. It really is time to stop bullshitting…in many areas of my life. I’m so ready, and I know I’ll reach my goal by the end of the year…if not by the end of the summer!

The Fat-fetus Begone Challenge has officially begun! I will most certainly keep you updated on my progress. I cannot wait to see what my body looks like in 2 months…and especially, what it looks like on Memorial Day!

As Chris Brown would say, “Leggo!!”

The bartender in the middle, the one schooling the others, just said–and I’m paraphrasing–

“when you get to the point where you can see him, especially see him with someone else, and feel nothing but happiness for him, that’s when you’re ready to talk to & be friends with him again.”

Now, I’m not in or falling out of love…let’s just clear that up right now. But I am speaking of a friendship I’ve grown way too attached to despite its lack of benefit for me; to someone whom, at one point, I fancied, and in some respect still do…but only as a residual effect of my previous infatuation. Anyway, the friendship has, in the past 2-3 years, gone sour (it’s no longer a mutual friendship- all win-win for him and lose-lose for me in my opinion), and I have been struggling this week with the certainty that, for the first time, I have to cut someone out of my life…proactively. Usually, I’m way too nice a person to do this, but the predicament in which I find myself has not been healthy or good for me for quite some time, and I am FINALLY at the point of not only needing, but wanting to sever ties completely, despite how much it hurts.

I’m terrified to let this person go, as he’s been a big part of the last 5 years of my life; and I’ve been holding on to him–to us as friends–for so long. He’s told me several times that he needs me in his life, but through his actions he’s not shown me he actually wants, or appreciates having me there…at least in the past 3 years. Meanwhile, I want him in my life, but do not need him…at all. Given all this, I’ve come to realize that I have to let him go…to get my power and self-love back. This is easily the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do (a big part of me just wants him around forever), however it’s the BEST thing for me right now. As a friend of mine put it recently, “by holding on to him, you’re blocking the blessing of someone absolutely amazing and good for you to actually find you and come into your life.”

The bartender’s words affected me so greatly because in the last 3 hours, I’ve been conversing with myself on the subject of, “maybe sometime in the future we can be friends again.” Ain’t God right on time?!? When I heard the bartender speak about being able to see someone in the future and feel happiness for him, as opposed to resentment, bitterness, jealousy, etc., something resonated within me and I GOT IT! My friend may not be willing to engage in a mutual friendship with me, but I’ve not been willing to wholeheartedly let go of my physical attraction to him. As we speak, he’s knee-deep in like with some dude he barely knows, and I’m here, alone, catching attitude about it. His lack-of-friendship-consideration-and-appreciation bullshit aside, I, personally, cannot truly be friends with him until I get over and let my attraction to him go. The only way to do that is through distance, separation and time. [sidebar: I know some of you may think that my attraction to him trumps his poor friendship (in terms of what turned things sour), but I assure you, he has NOT been a good friend to me these last few years!]

I’m currently cultivating the courage to step past the hurt and childish “I don’t wanna” mentality to do what I need to do and end our friendship. I still want him in my life, which is causing some serious internal struggle. I know I have to end it, even though it’ll hurt like hell, but I also know I will step out of this experience a more confident, valuable, wise (and available) man; and I have faith that there is an abundant blessing of friendship and love waiting for me on the other side. I do believe my [former?] friend and I will meet again and maybe even develop a new, stronger friendship in the future; but for now I must–as he’s always preached to me about how he lives his life–DO ME!

Wish me luck! And thank you, Lord, for the bartender’s words, which have placed the final flower of courage into the bouquet of doing-what’s-best-for-me.