Evolution of a Mancombining the profound and the inane.

I’m Back, Bitches!

will on October 7th, 2009

Computer fixed. I’m so amped! Got lots of ideas and great new things going. It’s time to get focused, and get serious. Post coming soon.

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You should know…

will on August 28th, 2009

…that my computer’s hard drive is dead and so, until further notice, my entries will be posted from my iPhone. Sad, I know, but I’m trying to be unstoppable, get out of my own way, and get my ish back together.

Tags: bad hard drive, broken computer, iPhone
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Spending time with God – Jeremiah 29:11-14

will on August 28th, 2009

You gotta start somewhere. I’ve been meaning to dive into Bible study for a few weeks now, but have just felt so overwhelmed. Where do I begin? What do I read? How do I internalize it? Will it really help? These are just a few of the questions that I have been battling with when it comes to spending time with You and reading your word. To be honest, I know and believe that You can help me- but at the same time, I don’t feel it. Does that make sense? Really, these days I feel nothing; nothing but self-pity and doubt. I’ve been so consumed by it that I’ve almost given up on myself, and found no desire or reason to start reading. I’ve been so very uninterested…in everything!

After Tuesday’s “Touch & Agree,” Rhonda sat with me for over an hour listening to what I had to say, ministering to me, and reading scriptures with me. She even prayed the prayer of salvation with me- just to make sure I was saved. And I am…but I still struggle! She suggested that I get in the word and start small- take a few verses a day, read them over and over to get them in my spirit, write them down and post them on my walls. I thought it a good idea and, feeling so good after our conversation, had every intention of following her suggestion; but I did nothing. I bailed. Sure, I thought about readng scripture and studying on numerous occassions Wednesday and Thursday; but there was still a big part of me that said, “Why?” and “I don’t wanna!” Also, stuck in my head worrying about all the problems and issues I’m facing, I stayed lazy and sad claiming the excuse, “I don’t know where to start.” So I didn’t. Today I forced myself to start studying the Bible and really spending time with God. As of late, I’ve heard many people either cite or talk about Jeremiah 29:11, so I decided to begin there. It says:

“I know what I am doing. I have planned it all out- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.”

That was The Message translation. Rhonda suggested reading the New King James Version, the New International Version (NIV), and The Message. I was raised onte traditional King James Version, and like it did when I was younger, it has confused me to no end as I’ve tried reading it recently. But reading the aforementioned translations made Your word so much clearer and understandable to me. I’m definitely a big fan of The Message translation! After reading verse 11 I continued on to verses 12-14, which spoke to me even more:

“When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen. When you come looking fr me, you’ll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed…”

The NIV says (about getting serious) “When you seen me with all your heart…” I must admit, Lord, that I’m struggling with that part. I can’t yet identify with seeking You with all my heart; but I can say that I am seeking you with all that I can muster up right now- whatever that is. I want to seek You and your word with all my heart, but I’d be wrong not to admit that at this particular moment, I seek You in a reaching, arms wide open, crying attempt to find peace, help, and direction within my storm. My heart is open and I hope and believe that as I continue to read, learn, and in You and be filled by You- as we become more intimate with each other- my heart’s desire for You will expand. I consider myself to have rain my first baby step today towards seeking You and learning your word.

I’ve been asked how can I pray in faith and stand, believing in your word if I don’t know what’s in it? When I pray, I want and need to be able to call upon your word to help me with the circumstances of my life. And even more, I want to truly understand what it means to praise and bless Your name… I want to know you, Lord, so I can better praise you.

I thank You for opening this door and I pray fr your patience with me as I start this journey. I know you’re always with me, Lord- imma need your direction knowing what and how to study next. But for now, I’ll stay meditated on Jeremiah 29:11-14. Thank you!

Lord, teach me how to go beyond just getting by. In Jesus name I pray. AMEN!

Tags: bible study, God, jeremiah, spirituality
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Anybody up for a date?

will on August 4th, 2009

While walking through Cobble Hill the other day I came across this really cute desert cafe called The Chocolate Room. Being the chocolate whore that I am, I couldn’t resist going inside. The scent alone made my happy place squirm with desire. There was chocolate everywhere! The dim lighting made for a very sensual environment and my first thought was, “this would be a really nice place for a date!” So, with that said…

Anyone out there up for a date with me at The Chocolate Room? It looks delicious!

Tags: date, the chocolate room
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Touch and Agree

will on July 30th, 2009

Last week a new friend of mine invited me to check out an inspirational support group he participates in called “Touch and Agree.” He didn’t say much about the group outside of how they meet on Tuesdays and how he always leaves feeling uplifted and inspired; but being familiar with the meaning behind the title, I knew it had something to do with spirituality. Recently my prayers have been centered around finding direction within my own life, meeting new people and making new friends; so from the moment the invitation reached my ears, I knew God was trying to tell me something. Without a second thought I said “yes,” and though I had no idea what I was getting myself into, I literally couldn’t wait for Tuesday night to come.

I walked into an 8th avenue Starbucks on Tuesday feeling anxious and nervous- a common resounding sensation I encounter when stepping into a new experience- but overall, I was tremendously excited. I walked up the wooden staircase to the second floor of the coffee shop and found a group of about 15-20 young adults sitting in a large circle around small tables engaged in intimate conversation. There was a peaceful yet animated presence around the group- one you couldn’t help but be drawn to. Almost immediately, my nerves were calmed and my interested peaked beyond comparrison. I took a seat at one end of the circle, passing and low-fiving my friend on the way, and leaned in to hear what the others sat so attentively to take in. Someone was sharing a testimony he had from the past week to intermittent cheers of “Hallelujah” and “Thank you, Jesus!” and for the first time in my life, this public display of religion didn’t make me uncomfortable. I usually have a very difficult time praising the Lord outside of church, and have never felt at ease doing so amongst other Christians in my age group. I suppose my relationship with God has just not yet gotten to the point of outward worship despite my surroundings. It didn’t take me long at all to realize that this group would change my thoughts around studying, and being supported by the word of God.

As the meeting continued, I sat listening intently to all of the testimonies and words of encouragement. I was thoroughly wrapped up in every minute. It was like my soul was filling itself up on every succulent morsel of conversation. I’ve been struggling so much lately trying to figure out my path and direction in life, and the passion with which these young people spoke about God’s work in their lives really touched me. I heard of the miracles and blessings that were taking place and all I could think was, “how can I get some of that? where do I begin?” The experience was overwhelming, not simply because of the spiritual aspect, but also because of the company itself. Just about everyone there is an artist in some way, shape, or form- singers, dancers, actors, writers, etc.- they are the people I wish myself to be. I’ve always sensed there is something great inside of me just bursting to get out- a talent, skill, purpose. I believe I was created to entertain and inspire others, and I have been praying and praying that God will send people and friends into my life that will help me progress with my goals and dreams. The participants of Touch and Agree are an artistic, supportive bunch who LOVE the Lord and claim their destiny in Jesus’ name. I just couldn’t get enough of hearing what they had to say.

There was much conversation about having faith- building our faith muscle- and staying faithful in the midst of our confusion because God is always there and is in control. That hit me pretty hard. When I was younger my faith was so strong, but recently it’s become incredibly hard to maintain a faithful spirit despite all the confusion and uncertainty that clouds my mind. One of my goals in joining Touch & Agree is to rebuild my faith and gain faith that surpasses all understanding. Another jewel of inspiration came from my friend, Dewayne, who mentioned an enlightening reminder he received about trusting God’s direction. It is important to remember that God has already been to where we are going. As we walk the rocky path of our lives He’s coming in the opposite direction- returning from our destiny. He’s already seen our future- all we need to is trust his word and be obedient. It’s at times so much easier said than done– especially when we’re going through the storm– but we must trust and believe that the Lord knows what he is doing.

Touch & Agree could not have come into my life at a better time. I am so grateful and cannot wait for next week. I need this! I need the encouraging support, the friends, the guidance in the word, and the blessings that follow. Thank you so very much, Lord, for bringing me to Touch & Agree. I pray you continue to make it a blessing upon my life.

Tags: entertainers, spirituality, support, touch and agree
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R.I.P. E. Lynn Harris

will on July 25th, 2009

E. Lynn Harris passed away Friday at the early age of 54. I don’t know the conditions that caused his death, but it came very unexpectedly and, like many celebrity deaths we’ve experienced this summer, leaves me stunned.

Though I haven’t read all of his work, his first book, “Invisible Life” was the first I happened upon that featured black gay men who like other men. There have been many things said about the way Harris depicts the black gay male in his books, but I, for one, am really grateful for him because he paved the way for writers like myself to flourish while staying true to who we are.

I thank you, E. Lynn, for inspiring me to not be afraid to write what I feel. I dug out my copy of “Invisible Life” and shall read it this week in your honor. You will be greatly missed.

Tags: e. lynn harris
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Good Job, Jesus!

will on July 24th, 2009

This is a double-feature of sorts.There are two sanctified cries of gratitude that must go out to the good lawd this week for his bountiful creativity and glory. The first is for Jashiro Dean. Jashiro is an amazing photographer and friend who, during his visit to New York this week, was able to shoot one of the sexiest Brooklynites I have ever encountered. This Bed Stuy resident (who lives, like, a block away from me- *woot!*) get’s the second, but ever so vociferous cry of praise to the maker of all things sexy and good.

Steven Sutherland

I’ve only seen Steven once– the day of this shoot– but those were three minutes that I will carry with me always. Just look at that pouty little mouth. I love it! And that “peace” shirt is EVERYTHING- not only in color, but in the way it tempts me to go to my naughty place. *swoon* Ok, lemme collect myself.

Jashiro really does take some wonderful pictures. He has a very good eye. I LIVE for the thrown-to-the-side underwear in that last pic; and, of course, for the slight crack of ass in the one before it. Jashiro had his very first photography showing here in Brooklyn on Saturday- which went really well. The brotha is about to do some big things! Check out more of his work at www.jashiro.com.

Good Job, Jesus! Creating pretty people and talented minds… you never cease to amaze me.

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Ode to Ledisi

will on July 24th, 2009

My friend and I woke up feeling great and had a Ledisi jam session. If you don’t know who Ledisi is, I suggest you step up and catch up… ‘cuz you’re really missing out! Peep the morning fun:

LOVE you, Ledisi! Can’t wait for the new album!

Tags: brown sugar, ledisi, ledisi song, Music
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Walk with your DICK!

will on July 22nd, 2009

My friend mentioned this to me today as we were strolling down the street. He was describing the manner in which men (specifically black men) saunter around the blocks of their neighborhood. “You know the kind of guys you see walking around that just have that swagger- that emanating presence of confidence and sexuality,” he said? “They walk with their dicks!” My right eye twitched and eventually released a heavy side-eye upon the fuckery I thought was that statement; but trotting down the long stretch of road leading to the Utica A-train I encountered several guys who, as subtly as they could, directed their gaze to my friend and his apparent “swagger.” I was intrigued by his theory. There were glances in his direction as we approached, and turned, back-facing gazes as we passed. Whether or not they were checking him out, I don’t know; but they were looking…hard. He attributed all the attention to the confidence in his step (he said he feels amazing today) and the security he has in his own manhood, asserting, “I may be a little feminine, but I got a dick and I love being a man. Guys look at me and like my swagger ‘cuz I, like them, walk with my dick. That’s what you gotta do… walk with your dick!”

walk. with. my. dick. hmmm…

I’ve given much thought to the general meaning of the word, “swagger” and I’m admittedly still a little fuzzy; at least I was until this afternoon. I looked it up in the Urban Dictionary and found several definitions. A person’s swagger (or “swagga” as it is more commonly known) is:

“How one presents him or her self to the world. Swagger is shown from how the person handles a situation. It can also be shown in a person’s walk.”

I didn’t quite grasp onto this particular definition- the use of the word “situation” here irked me and derailed my understanding. I kinda hate how much we [read: black people (including myself)] repeatedly use that word as a way to, I dunno, NOT fully describe the events or circumstances about which we’re talking… but that’s just me. I found another, more satisfying, definition that simply defined “swagger” as:

“A person’s style- the way they walk, talk, dress.”

Clearly, defining the word “swagger” isn’t all that difficult and I’m just slow. After reading through some of the other definitions, though, I realized that my confusion isn’t about how swagger is defined, but more so how [a prominent] swagger is exuded. I’ve only really heard the word used to describe the more urban or “hood” dick-walkers figures of the black male community as opposed to someone like myself… or, say, Wayne Brady. Can I not have swagger; or is my swagger just not yet evolved? The suggestion to “walk with your dick” does sound appealing in this I-haven’t-had-sex-in-over-a-year age, but would it really give me swagger? What does it even mean to walk with your dick? I decided to put it to the test.

While traipsing around Soho this afternoon with my newly self-proclaimed dick-walking friend I, myself, tried to attempt walking with my dick. When my thoughts traveled to the task at hand I pushed my groin outward, and drew all my attention to the power of my penile area. It felt, for a minute, very “welcome to my penis”-esque (and I’m sure my facial expressions could have gotten me arrested, somewhere); but soon the concept set in, over the execution, and I was able to pull my body together. I recognized that it’s not about expressing my penis power physically (the penis, in fact, is irrelevant altogether), but about expressing the confidence—the swagger—behind it. “Walk with your dick” now made sense- giving me a thoughtful and fun way to exude confidence; and my side-eye the space to retreat and slumber once again.

When it comes to having swagger, you exude it by way of being. Being tha shit—many imitators, but no contenders! You take that mentality with you everywhere you go, and use it in everything you do. You WALK WIT YO’ DICK! Oh, it’s on- my life is now changed! I have crossed over into swagger territory, people. It’s only a matter of time before I reach official dick-walker status! My grind is on and my hustle has stepped up. It’s about to go down! Who’s got their swagga on?

*raises hand*

Tags: dick walking, having swagger, swaga, swagger, walk with a swagger, walk with your dick
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Normal Sentences

will on July 22nd, 2009

People talk in normal sentences. Normal sentences, when written down, have both upper and lowercase letters. It is time to for some normalcy in my written sentences. I thank your eyes for being so patient with my previous madness.

That is all.

Tags: grammar, lowercase, sentence structure, uppercase
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