this post is for grown folks… if you’re easily offended feel free to keep it moving!

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today marks the first of two 1-year anniversaries taking place this month- both of which will get their own post. it is sunday, april 5th, 2009, and as of 1pm eastern standard time it has been a full year since i last had (penetrative) sex! as many of you pick your jaws up off the floor, i’ll explain the reasons and circumstances that got me here…

long-time readers of this blog will know that i am relatively new to (anal) sex. i lost my virginity at 26- what i would consider to be fairly late in life (especially for a gay man)- and, at 29, i have only had sex like 6 or 7 times. to be honest, that number is a lot smaller than i’d prefer it to be given my high sex drive. i relate my libido to that of a teenage boy… i’m constantly thinking about and desiring sex. think back to when you first started getting down. my guess is you couldn’t get enough, and so could probably understand why i’m going crazy.

here’s my dilemma, though. despite having the sexual prowess of a teenager, i have the life experience, wisdom, and thought process of an adult. for starters, i don’t really connect with anonymous sex. although i’ve done it in the past, meeting someone at a bar, club, or online, and then taking them home for a romp in the sack no longer interests me. i want more! i’m not saying that i can’t do it (although you’re probably screaming that i should- just to maintain my sanity), but being an extremely romantic person, ready and looking for a relationship, i find very little fulfillment in random sex with someone whose last name (and sometimes first) i don’t even know. i can’t tell you how many times i’ve perused the postings and profiles on craigslist, adam4adam, and other “sex4now” sites, looking for someone to invite over for some serious pipe cleaning, but just couldn’t get myself to go through with giving it up to some random ass or dick pic.

in addition to all that madness, there’s a certain apprehension that comes with the knowledge that about 1 out of every 4 or 5 (black) gay men in new york city is infected with the HIV virus. that’s a lot of damn people! in the last year and a half alone, a few of my acquaintances have become infected- pushing me further and further into my “closet” of chastity. i’m not casting any judgment, but staying protected is at the forefront of my thinking, and knowing that (apparently) many others would prefer a good nut over a healthy life concerns me. i grab condoms almost everywhere i see them available (not that i ever use them), and have no intention of having sex without them; but i’ve heard so many stories of shady dudes pulling dirty tricks on people- spreading the infection- that it seriously scares the buh-jesus out of me to have sex with anyone i don’t know and trust.

finally, there’s me and my personal insecurity. yah…let’s not leave MY SHIT out of this situation. for every excuse, complaint, or pointed finger you have on the outside world, best believe there’s a matching internal issue (or several) within yourself to balance it out. a big reason why i’ve gone so long without sex is due, in part, to the lack of confidence i have in my own sexual ability. having only had sex a few times, i’m not quite sure of what i’m doing or if i’m good at it; and knowing how my friends and i talk about sex, i would really prefer not being the subject of an “i could have had a v-8″ conversation. my mother always used to tell me, “practice makes perfect.” although i don’t think she was talking about this particular skill, i’m thinking i should take her advice, just suck it up (so-to-speak) and get busy (pun intended). i feel like if i could find someone i’m comfortable with and trust enough not to pull some shit, i could go to town, get all the practice i need, and come out ready to face the world as the sexual beast [read: freak] i feel myself to be on the inside. i have one such person in mind to fulfill this wish and bring out said potential, however, he’s not exactly raising his hand to help me out. it’s very disappointing- especially considering the fact that we’ve done everything but have sex- but he’s entitled to his decision and, as much as it pains me, i have to respect that.

i’m not quite sure what it will take for me to let go and take a dip to “ease my pain,” but i do know i CANNOT go another year without a little “bow-chicka-bow-wow.” i’d seriously take a hostage! hopefully, someone will show up soon… ‘cuz this is one anniversary that definitely needs not (and must not) be repeated in the future.