i’ve spoken recently of several changes that have taken place in my life over the course of the last 3 weeks. to name a few: i turned 30 years old; someone i thought was a close friend cut me out of his life unexpectedly, and for no good reason; and most significant, i vacated my precious apartment, bungalow 425. with the exception of hitting the milestone of turning 30, these life-altering changes have shaken me to my core. losing smokestack as a friend and having to find a new apartment were things that i did not at all see coming (although i probably could have called them had i stepped out of my reverie and focused on reality a bit more); but they were both very necessary in terms of my progression and re-invention.

i won’t recount what happened with smokestack (it’s all here), but i will add that his dismissing me has had a greater effect on me than i anticipated. i miss him! i miss talking to him, laughing with him, and the companionship we shared. i think about him all the time. admittedly, many of the these thoughts are more sexual than friendly; but more than anything, and despite all his fuckery, i miss having him around; and i wonder if he thinks about, or even misses me at all. i know that time heals all wounds, and that this too shall pass, but no longer having such a close friend in my life– having to turn all the time, effort and attention i spent on him to myself– is proving to be difficult to handle. i feel incredibly lonely, but i’m grateful for the lesson learned and am overcoming the disappointment and angst more and more as each day passes.

as for bungalow 425, that was more of a mutually agreed upon separation. being unemployed, i could not afford the incredibly high price of rent; and while my landlord was quite understanding and lenient, it was only a matter of time before my partial rent payments would not have mattered at all in comparison to the total cost of living in such an affluent building and neighborhood. so i had to pack up and leave. for the first time in six and a half years, i needed to find a place to live– one that would fit within my strict and tiny budget. it was an incredibly daunting task. i’d become so accustomed to living in abundance, and the idea that my life and lifestyle was about to change dramatically was almost too much to bear. i had two weeks to find and secure a new place of residence and, being the booshie and mildly naive person that i am, i broke down on a few occasions perusing through the numerous west bubble-fuck nowhere-located craigslist ads of apartments i could afford, and viewing the “my bed won’t even fit in here” studio apartments in neighborhoods i had come to know and was comfortable with. by the end of week one, i was a “whoa is me” facebook and twitter status, pseudo-suicidal mess! but God is good, and he had a plan…

late one night, i came across an ad for a “spacious studio” apartment in the stuyvesant heights area of bed stuy. the apartment wasn’t too far from where bungalow 425 is located, my “new york mom” had just moved to the area, and a good friend of mine, big brother, also lived a just few blocks away. the description of the apartment, including the words “approx. 800 square feet” looked very promising, so i immediately called the broker (broker? ugh) and scheduled a time to see the place.

it’s funny how the universe works. as i started to settle into the fact that i’d be moving into a studio apartment, i drew a picture of the kind of space i wanted– dimensions, furniture settings, appliances and all– and posted it on my vision board. imagine my surprise when i walked into the stuyvesant heights apartment and viewed an almost identical space to the studio i had drawn just a couple of nights before:

i almost lost my damn mind when i saw this place. it looked to be the perfect little space for me to begin the next era of my life. located on the ground floor of a three-story brownstone (just 2 steps down from street-level), it seemingly had all the space i’d need, a larger kitchen than bungalow 425, new, stainless steel appliances, and access to the backyard. the landlord was a middle-aged and dred-locked black woman who owns and lives on the top 2 floors of the home. i viewed the apartment for about 10 minutes, and before i left, had claimed it as MINE.

the next week was a scramble and mixture of filling out applications, selling belongings to pay for the rent, biting my nails waiting for approval, and all the general nervousness that comes with starting a new life. i jumped for joy and thanked the heavens after getting approved to move in, but struggled with coming up with the money for the broker’s fee (12% of the annual rent– have you lost your mind?). i was able to get the broker down to 10%, and by the grace of God, was given the money i needed from two very good and amazing friends of mine who i love and appreciate dearly! everything came together, and the apartment officially became mine on june 1st.

i cannot tell you how ecstatic i am right now. i feel like a new man…seriously! an individual re-ignited with vigor, joy and new life. i walk around this apartment unable to keep a smile off my face and contain my excitement. i thank God for it and everything in it– the walls, the floors, the appliances, the space. it’s perfect for will 2.0– the name a friend and i have given this new era of my life. unlike bungalow 425, terrace 367 has more of a modern feel to it, and, complete with half the furnishings of my old apartment, is a true bachelor’s pad as opposed to the extension of my college dorm room that was my old living space. you can see my growth as an individual from the moment you walk into the apartment, and you can sense my progression as you walk about the room.

i can’t wait to see what i create, and who i become as a result of living here. terrace 367 is the new bungalow 425, and will 2.0 is the next evolution of a man. God is so good! let’s go!

i’ve already spoken of the first of these major changes: smokestack cutting me out of his life [read: setting me free]. i’ve learned some hard lessons from my friendship with him, and i’m excited to move into my future a little more knowledgeable about people and about myself. i’m tougher now, and i know i’ll need to be in the future.

the second change has been jumping around my head for a few weeks now, but really came to light last night at my dave & busters birthday party. i talked with some friends about what’s coming up next in my life, and i realized that the time has come for me to humble myself and move into a new apartment. i’m IN LOVE with my current residence– which makes this decision all the more difficult to follow through on– but it’s time to face the music. my only stable source of income at the moment is unemployment, and it does not cover the high price of renting bungalow 425. for the last 7 years since moving to new york i have been fortunate enough to live in abundance- living in such great diggs and often living beyond my means. it’s time for me to come into reality, make some sacrifices, budget, and live more responsibly in order to fully focus on my career grind and where i’m going. so, i’m selling some of my belongings and moving– hopefully in the next two weeks– into a new, more affordable (but still nice) apartment. ideally i’d like to cut my rent in half, and i know that God will provide something amazing for me that’s perfect for what i need to do and how i need to grow.

i know that making this move will be difficult, but i feel surprisingly at ease with what has to be done. all of these things are happening right now for a reason. life is preparing me for something great and i must be willing to meet the universe half way. i’m ready for change and i welcome this opportunity to humble myself and use the beginning of this new era of my life to build myself back up.

many look at turning 30 as the beginning of getting old, but i see it as the start to gaining infinite wisdom and reaching optimal self-actualization. i’m a bit scurred, but i really can’t wait to see how i grow from all this change; and see what i create in the future.

speaking frankly, at this very moment, i have no idea what i want to do with my life. and that scares the crap out of me. sure, i have all these ideas and aspirations of being a (gay) media personality swirling around in my head; but there’s a big part of me that wants to do that out of a need to fill a void in my life as opposed to attaining some level of self-actualization. i’m going to be 30 years old this year, and i’m frustrated with not at all knowing what i want to do; what i want to be; what i can do; and what excites me. i’m ready to take my life back and find purpose again, but don’t really know where to start.

i shared all of this with dr. eye candy [read: my therapist] earlier this week, and his biggest piece of advice was to stop waiting for an epiphany. find something- anything- to do and go do it. when i got fired last year, a subconscious reaction that i had was to cut myself off from the rest of the world. i spent most of my time, since april, alone in my apartment waiting for an idea, a job, or a life to come and find me as opposed to going out and finding it for myself. obviously, that didn’t work. at all. he impressed upon me the importance of discovering what i like and finding my passions again by getting back out into the world and trying new things. in addition, once i find something, it is also important to not put all my eggs in one basket (as i often tend to do), and keep the momentum going by continuing to open my mind to new experiences, places, and people.

i thought a lot about what excites me and makes me happy right now, and the two things that stick out are helping and entertaining people. those are two examples of things i not only like doing; but find myself doing without really thinking about it. for example, i love doing anything i can to make better the lives of the people around me. i’m always putting in my two cents- either figuratively or literally- in an effort to help my friends be the best they can be. additionally, i’m always trying to find ways to entertain people. whether it’s just throwing a movie night or party in my apartment, or making people laugh (or even smile). i just love to put smiles on people’s faces. the happiest i’ve ever been was during my performing days with the cal band in college. nothing else in my life mattered as long as i could march, play, and dance in a saturday afternoon football game. my passions are still there… i just have to bring them back to life again.

before i left his office, dr. eye candy challenged me to, in the coming week, visit three lgbt community establishments and look into setting up a forum at which i can speak and share my experiences, or volunteer in one of their programs. the former scares me to death, as off the cuff i can’t think of anything to talk about; but the whole point of all of this is to push me to find what excites me. i need to seek out that which makes me happy and fulfilled, and milk it for all it’s worth. lord knows i love talking to people, and my mission is to help and inspire young gay men to be themselves and live their lives proudly; so i guess speaking my experiences in that area fits.

i’m sure there are many of you out there who find yourself in the same place as me these days- jobless, bored, and looking for a spark to ignite the passion within. if you can relate, i encourage you to join me in finding and following your bliss. let’s get out and do something HUGE for ourselves and our communities! who knows what you could gain from stepping out on faith and taking a chance to try something new.

i thought a lot about where i am at this point in my life. i may be unemployed, but i’m slowly building a company and legacy of my own- and words can’t express how excited i am! my book is finished, and in the past couple of weeks i’ve gotten several leads on how to get it published and promoted. and if dreams are any indication of what’s to come, then 2009 is going to be a tremendously delicious year.

thinking about what my work could possibly create for myself and for the world, i was left very little space for complaining about what’s wrong in my life. additionally, i got really clear on how to face some of the personal challenges ahead. i was venting about the issues i’m having with saying “no,” being social, working out, friendships, and a few other things to a friend of mine a few days ago; and he said something that really stuck in my mind: “will, man up or remain as is!”

there are so many things that have remained constant in my life despite my desperately wanting them to change. i still don’t work out on a regular basis; i continue to open myself to be taken advantage of by saying “yes” all the time and to everyone; and i continue to struggle with meeting new people and being social. i’ve taken very small steps in the past month or so to better myself in these areas; but after a few days, i usually end up breaking my stride and falling apart- either out of wanting to make someone happy or wanting others to make the first move. however being told to “man up” and taken away from my problems for 2 weeks really helped put things in perspective. specifically, i’ve learned that it’s up to me continue to make change happen- in all areas of my life; not just in creating something new.

i stand here at my wits end ready to MAN UP when it comes to asserting myself and taking control of my life. so many things that i want for myself never happen because i don’t want to do the work and/or am waiting for someone else to take the reigns. i feel very accomplished in relatively new areas of my life, but as far as dealing with these resurfacing issues are concerned, i’ve become way to comfortable with letting them exist as they are and dealing with them by a few quick fixes and venting to other people. the only thing stopping me from breaking through is me. no more!

i know exactly what i have to do to set myself free from all of this. change my mind! change my mind about how scary and intimidating introducing myself and talking to other people can be, and focus on what’s possible by commanding a room of people. change my mind about the pains of working out and focus on the health and happiness that comes with the body of my dreams. change my mind about appeasing and fixing everyone by saying “yes,” and concentrate on building balanced friendships. all i have to do is be assertive and what? man up! Take control of my life instead of allowing my life to control me.

it’s all easier said than done, of course, but being aware of my behavior definitely helps prevent stumbling into pitfalls, and gets me that much closer to having a breakthrough. that’s pretty inspiring (and helpful, too). it’s actually very exciting to be on the cusp of growth. i feel way more alive since i’ve put this into play than i did when everything was stagnant.

hmmm… looks like texas really did do me some good!