when one door closes…
will on May 13th, 2009
after over three years of friendship, smokestack has decided to cut me out of his life. in the last few days he has taken a new boyfriend, or “partner” as he referred to him- someone whom he’s never even mentioned to me before last week- and they, together, have decided that smokestack needs to part ways with not only me, but several other people in his life as well. he cited not wanting anyone to threaten his new relationship as a reason for my dismissal.
now, i will be the first to admit that i made mistakes during his last relationship, which ended almost a year ago. my interest in and desire for him led me to act in a way that was disrespectful of his relationship, and as a result, it caused some tension between them. seeing the error in my ways, i’ve since apologized profusely for my actions, and thought we had both moved on. i know that i am a different person having learned my lesson, but apparently, he’s not willing to take the chance. all he had to say was, i don’t want to go thru what i did with [my last boyfriend]. what’s inconsistent with all this is that despite what i may have done or said in the past, most of the problems he had with his previous lover had nothing to do with me; and every time they broke up and smokestack needed a shoulder to cry on, i got a phone call. but i digress…
although i am hurt and disheartened by his decision, i must say i am also relieved. this separation is way overdue. the amount of energy, time and money i have spent over the last three years putting him before myself is mindblowing. but that was my choice, and in the end, from where i sit now- abandoned, broke, and cut off- i’ve learned an invaluable lesson about befriending and catering to other people. so i will take my dose of medicine with pride.
smokestack may have cited my being a possible threat to his new relationship as an excuse, but a good friend of mine made a very accurate point last night when he told me, “well, the relationship stuff may be part of it, but lets be real- basically, your money is gone and he’s found someone else to fill his pockets- so he doesn’t need u anymore.” funny what we begin to notice only after circumstances have come to a close. as i vented to friends last night, the only recurring reply was “i’m sorry, and i hate to say it, but i told you so.” it sux, but it’s the truth… they did.
he is supposed to be dropping off the things he has borrowed from me sometime today. at this point, i have nothing else to say to him. despite what little pleading i did initially out of shellshock and confusion, he told me that he has made up his mind and nothing will change it. since, i have been able to see just how much this is not a blessing in disguise, but a blessing front and center. this needed to happen, and i am grateful. what hurt i may be feeling now will soon dissipate, and i will find my way once again.
it definitely feels like the Lord is moving in very strong ways in my life these days. i believe he’s preparing me for something really tremendous as i approach my 30th birthday tomorrow. this thing with smokestack is just one example of God clearing out a path in my life for blessings to flow. and so i must make way and allow myself to grow.
i’m trying very hard to be adult about this situation; but one thing is for sure: not if, but when smokestack contats me at some point in the future- possibly after this new relationship fizzles- trying to rekindle our friendship, his efforts will be useless. i am a great person, and you had your chance. know and believe that you are forgiven, but remember that you shitted on me, telling me you wanted your freedom back. what you didn’t realize is that you set me free as well. so thanx, but no thanx!
when God closes one door, he opens another; so here i stand, beaten but not broken, in great anticipation for the next opening in my life! 
