in the beginning of last week, i was really going thru it. i could barely get myself out of bed, and when i did, i moped around like a sad little puppy dog– locked in a state of depression and grief over what I felt was an uninspired life. on top of that, i was frustrated with trying to get my cable and internet service hooked up. cablevision came to my apartment 3 days in a row during the week, and in the end, still couldn’t get my cable installed. it was not shaping up to be a good week.

on wednesday i got a call from my girl, shondell, who has been such a tremendous force of positivity and inspiration for me during these tough times. i shared with her what i had been going through during the week, and she told me a story about a struggle she had, and a lesson she learned in letting go and letting God. she helped me to realize that we, as individuals, really have everything we need in life to be well and succeed; we just need to relax, trust in God, and know–truly know– that in the end, everything will be okay. hearing her testimony really brightened my spirits.

later that same day, shondell texted me telling me to “tune into oprah, RIGHT NOW!” the show was a re-run of a best life week episode on “spirituality 101.” i’d seen the episode before, but the refresher couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. in it, oprah made mention of a gratitude journal that she keeps and writes in on almost a daily basis. as soon as i heard that, my mind started to race and i thought of journaling what i’m grateful for… keeping the good things that are working in my life fresh and present in my thinking. since seeing that episode, i’ve started to write down 5 things from each day that i’m grateful for, as well as writing prayer notes to God. since starting this new thing, i feel so alive and in such great spirits, i can barely contain myself!

in addition to all of that, randomly, on thursday, i picked up my book manuscript and started re-writing “evolution of a man: a journal of self-discovery.” the stuff that was coming out of me was so amazing that i almost couldn’t stop writing. i’ve been locked in ever since! i feel so on fire right now! like i have purpose again. it’s so awesome how quickly things can go from darkness to light. this book is seriously going to be a brilliant and amazing piece of work. i can’t wait for you all to read it! the goal is to have it all re-written by the end of the month… middle of july at the latest, and then re-start the publishing process shortly thereafter.

i feel like my life is back on track right now, and i couldn’t be more excited! thank God for friends like shondell, and for what being grateful and trusting in Him can bring about in our own lives. i’m so freakin’ stoked right now! lol let’s go, people! upward and onward!

in the last month or so, i’d been pretty upset about this particular anniversary. i thought for sure that by the time a year slapped itself around i would have a full-time job, or was gaining sustainable income promoting my book, etc. but alas, unemployment has been my friend for many months now. approaching today with positivity looked quite difficult.

standing in this moment, however, i feel a lot better than i anticipated. this week i’ve been working and learning in a temp position that will carry on into next week and, perhaps, other small gigs in the future. the money’s not tremendous, but it does fix a few holes in the foundation. it’s been a challenging, but fun and refreshing job, and couldn’t have come at a better time. in addition, stemming off of the great work week i had, while taking a shower this morning i had one serious career-building brainstorming session. i thought about all the ways in which i need to start taking risks, making an effort and creating a brand. my whiteboard is now covered with tasks and ideas for me to follow through on; and i feel inspired and excited to move forward.

see, this is why i love the spring. everything flourishes and gets rejuvenated. i’m pushing myself harder and futther this spring and summer than i ever have. from my writing to my social life & fitness. hopefully it will all pay off. my groove is just around the corner, and i’m almost there. so job or no job… today, i’m celebrating!

speaking frankly, at this very moment, i have no idea what i want to do with my life. and that scares the crap out of me. sure, i have all these ideas and aspirations of being a (gay) media personality swirling around in my head; but there’s a big part of me that wants to do that out of a need to fill a void in my life as opposed to attaining some level of self-actualization. i’m going to be 30 years old this year, and i’m frustrated with not at all knowing what i want to do; what i want to be; what i can do; and what excites me. i’m ready to take my life back and find purpose again, but don’t really know where to start.

i shared all of this with dr. eye candy [read: my therapist] earlier this week, and his biggest piece of advice was to stop waiting for an epiphany. find something- anything- to do and go do it. when i got fired last year, a subconscious reaction that i had was to cut myself off from the rest of the world. i spent most of my time, since april, alone in my apartment waiting for an idea, a job, or a life to come and find me as opposed to going out and finding it for myself. obviously, that didn’t work. at all. he impressed upon me the importance of discovering what i like and finding my passions again by getting back out into the world and trying new things. in addition, once i find something, it is also important to not put all my eggs in one basket (as i often tend to do), and keep the momentum going by continuing to open my mind to new experiences, places, and people.

i thought a lot about what excites me and makes me happy right now, and the two things that stick out are helping and entertaining people. those are two examples of things i not only like doing; but find myself doing without really thinking about it. for example, i love doing anything i can to make better the lives of the people around me. i’m always putting in my two cents- either figuratively or literally- in an effort to help my friends be the best they can be. additionally, i’m always trying to find ways to entertain people. whether it’s just throwing a movie night or party in my apartment, or making people laugh (or even smile). i just love to put smiles on people’s faces. the happiest i’ve ever been was during my performing days with the cal band in college. nothing else in my life mattered as long as i could march, play, and dance in a saturday afternoon football game. my passions are still there… i just have to bring them back to life again.

before i left his office, dr. eye candy challenged me to, in the coming week, visit three lgbt community establishments and look into setting up a forum at which i can speak and share my experiences, or volunteer in one of their programs. the former scares me to death, as off the cuff i can’t think of anything to talk about; but the whole point of all of this is to push me to find what excites me. i need to seek out that which makes me happy and fulfilled, and milk it for all it’s worth. lord knows i love talking to people, and my mission is to help and inspire young gay men to be themselves and live their lives proudly; so i guess speaking my experiences in that area fits.

i’m sure there are many of you out there who find yourself in the same place as me these days- jobless, bored, and looking for a spark to ignite the passion within. if you can relate, i encourage you to join me in finding and following your bliss. let’s get out and do something HUGE for ourselves and our communities! who knows what you could gain from stepping out on faith and taking a chance to try something new.