i’ve always felt this way- ever since i was a little kid. i just believe that i have something really incredible and astounding inside me to share with the world; and that i was born to do great and amazing things. some people wake up in the morning and roll into their day content with their normalcy. i am not one of those people! i wake up every morning wanting to be more than i was the day before. even further, i await the day when i can share my joy, my personality and my talent with the world at large.

at this point in my life, i’m ready to make some moves and get this show on the road. since being let go from google, i’ve thrown myself into building a little business- a media company- of my own. things are quite difficult, of course, because i’m creating it all from scratch, with no money, and with only my instincts to guide me. there have been many other people, all over the world, who have created empires from coins and ideas, and i fully plan on adding myself to that list. my premier product is a strong, thought-provoking and groundbreaking piece of work that i believe many will connect with and be inspired by. that’s all i need for now. my goal is to use the success of the book (and it will be a #1 best-seller), to create a name for myself in media and entertainment; and then keep on building from there.

now, i’m not gonna sit here and pretend that i’m not scared. i’m scared shitless! i don’t know much about the business of media; i don’t know many people in the industry; and, on a more personal level, i struggle with self-confidence and not knowing how to properly network. all of that becomes so overwhelming at times that i end up not getting anything done and never leave my apartment. “can i really do this,” i ask to myself? “am i really cut out to be a huge media personality?” i ask these questions and more on almost a daily basis, and, every time, all answers point to “yes.” i just need to believe in myself and my abilities, and carry that spirit around with me everywhere i go.

i know i am destined for greatness; and as b. scott says, “my steps are ordered by God,” so i’m not worried. not worried at all! i have faith in Him and in myself; and with a little effort and a lot of hard work, i will, in a few years’ time, be a force to be reckoned with in media and entertainment. let’s go!

last week smokestack came over and, while we were drinking and talking, he offered to take some pictures of me with my digital camera. i recently did a bit of shopping, and he noted that this was the perfect opportunity to do a little promo shoot for “evolution of a man.” i thought it a good idea, so i went to my closet and put a couple outfits together. i was really excited and ready to go… until i got in front of the camera.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING!

i froze. completely solid. i have all the animation and energy in the world under normal circumstances, but when my friend started snapping away, i had no idea what to do. i was posing all over the place looking unnatural and weird. didn’t know what to do with my hands; what my face should look like; how i should move my body…nothing!

*sigh*

i can’t even look at some of these. smokestack kept telling me that i was “giving him nothing” and all i could reply was, “i don’t know what to give.” lol. the one thing that became quite apparent (at least to me) throughout the entire shoot was that i’m incredibly uncomfortable in my skin. and to be honest, i’ve always felt that way. i’ve never been very free with my body at all. i’m always super conscious of just about every body part and what it’s doing. especially my hands. if you were to come across me walking down the street, you would see me fidgeting with my clothes, switching the placement of my hands and arms, and looking from side to side checking for anyone who might have noticed my discomfort. i just don’t know what to do with my body. period.

maybe it’s because i don’t like my body. maybe it’s because i don’t really think i’m anything worth looking at or photographing. it’s weird. i like being in front of the camera- hell, i love it; but i never know what to do or how to act. it’s like i try to be someone better than myself in front of the camera. almost like i’ve been doing this for years and am a pro at it…except i’m not. i’m so not! in my head i think “every shot must be perfect-” putting so much pressure on myself that i end up falling flat. today, i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror while dancing and playing around in my living room and all i could think was, “now, why can’t i bring this energy and confidence to life when i’m in front of the camera?” i know i have it in me to let go and allow my natural exuberance to show up on camera. i just have to take the time to find it, and bring it out!

the shoot the other day wasn’t all bad, though. there were a few shots that i really liked:

see, will… you can take some nice pics!

smokestack and i talked about my “modeling” a bit more, and he agreed to help me on my new journey of getting comfortable in my own skin. we’re going to do more shoots in the future- both in my apartment and out in the city- and he’s going to coach me on being myself in front of the camera, and allowing my spirit to come through naturally. i’m really excited. i know i’ve got a long way to go, and that it really starts with me believing in myself; but i’m confident i will get there soon. i want this [to be a media personality] so fucking bad! i know i will be a great role model and inspiration to many around the world- all i need is a little training and practice. the rest is up to me.

onward and upward, kiddies! i got lots of work to do. anyone have any tips?

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