yesterday was a particularly bad day. normally a speed-walker, i found myself dragging my feet up and down the numerous blocks of my neighborhood, trying to find something to do, and wishing for interest and excitement to enter my life once again. i spent most of the day at home, lying on my couch, browsing through the same 10 websites over and over again. i just couldn’t break out of this sad and lonely feeling.i’ve been told that the best thing to do is to just accept what i’m going through, which i have only partially done, but how do you accept such a horrible feeling? and furthermore, what do you then do once you’ve accepted it?

i’ve been praying like crazy looking for answers and direction, but nothing has really showed up. a friend asked if i was being specific and clear in what i was praying for, to which i didn’t really have much of an answer. it’s been very hard to pray lately because i don’t know specifically what i want, or what i’m looking for. i just want this period of depression and loneliness to be over. as far as my future is concerned, or what i want for my life, that all remains a blur. i thought about my friend’s suggestion of being very specific about the things i ask God for, and my mind drifted to an episode of “run’s house” when the boys were writing prayer notes to God. i thought about how it’s generally easier for me to write what i want to say and how i feel than it is to speak what it is that i’m thinking. so i began to write to God.

i first thanked him for this period that i’m in, as hard as it may be to go through, and for the blessing of my apartment. then i started to write my frustrations about being so sad, disinterested and depressed. this can’t be it! how can i feel such an intense feeling of greatness at my core, and at the same time have no interest or desire to create anything? why would HE give me such feelings and not bring that passion out? i got as much as i could muster out on paper, and when i was finished writing i did feel better. not complete, but better.

i’m still dragging a bit today (nothing changes overnight), but i’m in greater spirits than i was yesterday. i continue to pray for my life and that things will perk up soon. i plan on writing letters to God a lot more, and off the suggestion of big brother, talking to God like i would any other friend. don’t hold back. i know i get caught up in having to approach prayer in a certain way… it’s good to see that prayer doesn’t always have to be so formal.

i just really need God to hear me! and to show up in my life. because i don’t know how much longer i can go on feeling so down. it’s more draining than i can bear.