will on June 9th, 2009
although i’m still reveling in the beautiful blessing that is my new apartment, i have to admit that i’ve been incredibly depressed lately. i’ve not felt like myself for a very long time- i’m sad almost all day long, i have no interest in ANYTHING, and i have very little energy. on most days, it takes me at least an hour to talk myself out of bed after waking up in the morning. i just lie awake asking myself “what for?” when thinking about getting up and starting my day. like, what’s the point? i’m not excited by or passionate about anything, and the only thing i want to do is bury myself under the covers and pray for things to get better.
yesterday was a particularly bad day. normally a speed-walker, i found myself dragging my feet up and down the numerous blocks of my neighborhood, trying to find something to do, and wishing for interest and excitement to enter my life once again. i spent most of the day at home, lying on my couch, browsing through the same 10 websites over and over again. i just couldn’t break out of this sad and lonely feeling.i’ve been told that the best thing to do is to just accept what i’m going through, which i have only partially done, but how do you accept such a horrible feeling? and furthermore, what do you then do once you’ve accepted it?
i’ve been praying like crazy looking for answers and direction, but nothing has really showed up. a friend asked if i was being specific and clear in what i was praying for, to which i didn’t really have much of an answer. it’s been very hard to pray lately because i don’t know specifically what i want, or what i’m looking for. i just want this period of depression and loneliness to be over. as far as my future is concerned, or what i want for my life, that all remains a blur. i thought about my friend’s suggestion of being very specific about the things i ask God for, and my mind drifted to an episode of “run’s house” when the boys were writing prayer notes to God. i thought about how it’s generally easier for me to write what i want to say and how i feel than it is to speak what it is that i’m thinking. so i began to write to God.
i first thanked him for this period that i’m in, as hard as it may be to go through, and for the blessing of my apartment. then i started to write my frustrations about being so sad, disinterested and depressed. this can’t be it! how can i feel such an intense feeling of greatness at my core, and at the same time have no interest or desire to create anything? why would HE give me such feelings and not bring that passion out? i got as much as i could muster out on paper, and when i was finished writing i did feel better. not complete, but better.
i’m still dragging a bit today (nothing changes overnight), but i’m in greater spirits than i was yesterday. i continue to pray for my life and that things will perk up soon. i plan on writing letters to God a lot more, and off the suggestion of big brother, talking to God like i would any other friend. don’t hold back. i know i get caught up in having to approach prayer in a certain way… it’s good to see that prayer doesn’t always have to be so formal.
i just really need God to hear me! and to show up in my life. because i don’t know how much longer i can go on feeling so down. it’s more draining than i can bear.
will on November 9th, 2008
i went to church this morning. i really needed it. i’m not a frequent church-goer, but every so often, life takes it’s toll on me and i find myself in need of a visit to the house of the lord.
one thing that always holds true whenever i go is that i never know what to expect. every time i go to church, i have a different experience; but the message given is always one that i need to hear. today was no different. i arrived sometime around 10:15 and walked in to a very crowded church (everyone came out today- i’m assuming to thank God for our new president elect). the service had already begun, and i was instructed to head to the balcony where there might be some extra seats. a group of us latecomers reached the second floor, and some were immediately seated, and others, like myself, stood around hoping that when everyone sat down more seats would appear throughout the crowd.
as everyone sat down, intercessory prayer began and my focus shifted. finding a seat was no longer important. i looked for one of the surrounding “prayer warriors” to catch my eye, and when a nice young woman did, i asked her to pray for me. she reached for my hands, said “good morning,” introduced herself, and asked what wanted to pray for. i gave her my name and stuffed as many words into 10 seconds of speaking as i could. i wanted her to touch on everything! i mentioned that my life is in transition right now, and i really need guidance as i look for a job and promote my book. i also told her that i feel very stuck and stalled right now. she then smiled, said, “ok, will,” and went to work! i got so wrapped up in our few minutes of prayer that i didn’t realize, until she was finished, that i had been crying. i thanked her for praying for me and she gave me a big hug and went on to pray for someone else. a few minutes later, she came back and told me that she prayed for a financial blessing for me as well. score!
i finally, just before the sermon started, found a seat in the first row of the balcony in the center. God really wanted me to hear this message. those of us lucky enough to be in church this morning were treated to a guest preacher who taught and spoke in reference to the book of Malachi, chapter 3, verses 8-10:
8. will a man rob god? yet ye have robbed me. but ye say, wherein have we robbed thee? in tithes and offerings.
9. ye are cursed with a curse: for ye have robbed me, even this whole nation.
10. bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the lord of hosts, if i will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.
at first, my mind went directly to “oh, this is one of those sermons where they try to get us to give them more money;” but it turned out to have an entirely different point of view. we all know about the request God has of us to give Him 10% of the money we are given- a small token of appreciation for all He does for us. how many of us actually tithe on a regular basis if at all? i know i don’t. today’s preacher (i really wish i remembered her name) spoke to us about how we spend our money. “there are 3 people who want your money,” she said. “God, satan, and you!” we need money to survive, and we never seem to have enough, but we often forget that the money we do have is a blessing and gift from God; and by not paying tithes- giving our 10%- we’re really doing Him an injustice. in reference to satan, we learned that he wants our money simply because he’d rather see it wasted than paid back in gratitude to God.
i used to tithe all the time- but never 10% of my income. nowadays when i come into some money, i immediately pay some bills, and then usually spend the rest partying, drinking, and engaging in other money-wasting activities. satan loves that! he can keep me in those moments for a long period of time, and revels in the thought that the same money i spend on all of those drinks is the same money that i should be tithing in thanks for the blessing of having this money to begin with. i am cheating God and robbing him- in his face- of his just due. i have been blessed up and down the street all my life, but it occurred to me, through today’s message, that i’m possibly stalled in my life and career right now because of my disobedience. i could very well be tithing on a weekly basis, but i’m so busy partying my money away, only to turn around and wonder why i’m not in a position of earning more. hmmm… maybe because i’m not giving enough back! bringing 10% to the storehouse is the least i could do in payment for the force that’s ordering my steps, supplying my needs, and keeping me alive and well. it became increasingly apparent that it’s time for me to straighten out my monetary priorities.
the preacher spoke of 3 types of “tithers.” all three get the same paycheck, but one of them tithes a little when they can; another sets a few bucks aside after paying thier bills; and the third runs to give God his 10% up front. i’m shooting to be the latter type. it’s really only fair. and the benefits are overwhelming! 
