Posts Tagged ‘smokestack’
will on June 5th, 2009
after a few weeks of chaotic madness, the dust is finally starting to settle over here in my world, and the time has come for me to resurface once again and re-establish myself in the blogosphere.
i’ve spoken recently of several changes that have taken place in my life over the course of the last 3 weeks. to name a few: i turned 30 years old; someone i thought was a close friend cut me out of his life unexpectedly, and for no good reason; and most significant, i vacated my precious apartment, bungalow 425. with the exception of hitting the milestone of turning 30, these life-altering changes have shaken me to my core. losing smokestack as a friend and having to find a new apartment were things that i did not at all see coming (although i probably could have called them had i stepped out of my reverie and focused on reality a bit more); but they were both very necessary in terms of my progression and re-invention.
i won’t recount what happened with smokestack (it’s all here), but i will add that his dismissing me has had a greater effect on me than i anticipated. i miss him! i miss talking to him, laughing with him, and the companionship we shared. i think about him all the time. admittedly, many of the these thoughts are more sexual than friendly; but more than anything, and despite all his fuckery, i miss having him around; and i wonder if he thinks about, or even misses me at all. i know that time heals all wounds, and that this too shall pass, but no longer having such a close friend in my life– having to turn all the time, effort and attention i spent on him to myself– is proving to be difficult to handle. i feel incredibly lonely, but i’m grateful for the lesson learned and am overcoming the disappointment and angst more and more as each day passes.
as for bungalow 425, that was more of a mutually agreed upon separation. being unemployed, i could not afford the incredibly high price of rent; and while my landlord was quite understanding and lenient, it was only a matter of time before my partial rent payments would not have mattered at all in comparison to the total cost of living in such an affluent building and neighborhood. so i had to pack up and leave. for the first time in six and a half years, i needed to find a place to live– one that would fit within my strict and tiny budget. it was an incredibly daunting task. i’d become so accustomed to living in abundance, and the idea that my life and lifestyle was about to change dramatically was almost too much to bear. i had two weeks to find and secure a new place of residence and, being the booshie and mildly naive person that i am, i broke down on a few occasions perusing through the numerous west bubble-fuck nowhere-located craigslist ads of apartments i could afford, and viewing the “my bed won’t even fit in here” studio apartments in neighborhoods i had come to know and was comfortable with. by the end of week one, i was a “whoa is me” facebook and twitter status, pseudo-suicidal mess! but God is good, and he had a plan…
late one night, i came across an ad for a “spacious studio” apartment in the stuyvesant heights area of bed stuy. the apartment wasn’t too far from where bungalow 425 is located, my “new york mom” had just moved to the area, and a good friend of mine, big brother, also lived a just few blocks away. the description of the apartment, including the words “approx. 800 square feet” looked very promising, so i immediately called the broker (broker? ugh) and scheduled a time to see the place.
it’s funny how the universe works. as i started to settle into the fact that i’d be moving into a studio apartment, i drew a picture of the kind of space i wanted– dimensions, furniture settings, appliances and all– and posted it on my vision board. imagine my surprise when i walked into the stuyvesant heights apartment and viewed an almost identical space to the studio i had drawn just a couple of nights before:
i almost lost my damn mind when i saw this place. it looked to be the perfect little space for me to begin the next era of my life. located on the ground floor of a three-story brownstone (just 2 steps down from street-level), it seemingly had all the space i’d need, a larger kitchen than bungalow 425, new, stainless steel appliances, and access to the backyard. the landlord was a middle-aged and dred-locked black woman who owns and lives on the top 2 floors of the home. i viewed the apartment for about 10 minutes, and before i left, had claimed it as MINE.
the next week was a scramble and mixture of filling out applications, selling belongings to pay for the rent, biting my nails waiting for approval, and all the general nervousness that comes with starting a new life. i jumped for joy and thanked the heavens after getting approved to move in, but struggled with coming up with the money for the broker’s fee (12% of the annual rent– have you lost your mind?). i was able to get the broker down to 10%, and by the grace of God, was given the money i needed from two very good and amazing friends of mine who i love and appreciate dearly! everything came together, and the apartment officially became mine on june 1st.
i cannot tell you how ecstatic i am right now. i feel like a new man…seriously! an individual re-ignited with vigor, joy and new life. i walk around this apartment unable to keep a smile off my face and contain my excitement. i thank God for it and everything in it– the walls, the floors, the appliances, the space. it’s perfect for will 2.0– the name a friend and i have given this new era of my life. unlike bungalow 425, terrace 367 has more of a modern feel to it, and, complete with half the furnishings of my old apartment, is a true bachelor’s pad as opposed to the extension of my college dorm room that was my old living space. you can see my growth as an individual from the moment you walk into the apartment, and you can sense my progression as you walk about the room.
i can’t wait to see what i create, and who i become as a result of living here. terrace 367 is the new bungalow 425, and will 2.0 is the next evolution of a man. God is so good! let’s go!
will on May 15th, 2009
as i’ve been screaming from the rooftops for the past week, yesterday was my 30th birthday! the reason why i’m so excited is because i am so incredibly ready to get the next season of my life started. there are many big changes either currently taking place or are about to get kicked off in my life right now and, in my opinion, they couldn’t be happening at a more appropriate time.
i’ve already spoken of the first of these major changes: smokestack cutting me out of his life [read: setting me free]. i’ve learned some hard lessons from my friendship with him, and i’m excited to move into my future a little more knowledgeable about people and about myself. i’m tougher now, and i know i’ll need to be in the future.
the second change has been jumping around my head for a few weeks now, but really came to light last night at my dave & busters birthday party. i talked with some friends about what’s coming up next in my life, and i realized that the time has come for me to humble myself and move into a new apartment. i’m IN LOVE with my current residence– which makes this decision all the more difficult to follow through on– but it’s time to face the music. my only stable source of income at the moment is unemployment, and it does not cover the high price of renting bungalow 425. for the last 7 years since moving to new york i have been fortunate enough to live in abundance- living in such great diggs and often living beyond my means. it’s time for me to come into reality, make some sacrifices, budget, and live more responsibly in order to fully focus on my career grind and where i’m going. so, i’m selling some of my belongings and moving– hopefully in the next two weeks– into a new, more affordable (but still nice) apartment. ideally i’d like to cut my rent in half, and i know that God will provide something amazing for me that’s perfect for what i need to do and how i need to grow.
i know that making this move will be difficult, but i feel surprisingly at ease with what has to be done. all of these things are happening right now for a reason. life is preparing me for something great and i must be willing to meet the universe half way. i’m ready for change and i welcome this opportunity to humble myself and use the beginning of this new era of my life to build myself back up.
many look at turning 30 as the beginning of getting old, but i see it as the start to gaining infinite wisdom and reaching optimal self-actualization. i’m a bit scurred, but i really can’t wait to see how i grow from all this change; and see what i create in the future. 
will on September 30th, 2008
the universe is really shifting right now! or maybe i’m just finally getting to work. in the last week, my life and productivity level has increased dramatically, and it’s showing no signs of slowing down.
for starters, i’ve finished writing and editing my book. i’ve also created a media kit for it (which will soon be available here on the site). i’ve spent the last few days sending the kit out to my various media contacts in writing, blogging and publishing with the hopes that i’ll a) develop a network of supporters, and b) find publishing, lol.
on sunday, my friend lynda and i hit up the nightmare haunted house in the east village; and continued with mojitos at paladar afterwards. loose-lipped, and needing to talk to someone, i vomited a diatribe ranging in topics from smokestack’s inconsideration to personal apprehensions i have about my future. sometimes in life, we need someone to slap some sense into us. my friend did just that.
lynda wouldn’t even entertain talk of me not believing in myself- stating that i’ve accomplished far too much, and that too many people find me awesome and interesting for me to think such things about myself. in regards to the smokestack situation, she offered that we all have many levels of friends- some you call and see frequently; and others you see on occasion. she suggested the latter for my friendship with him. her advice was to go out and meet people who can give me the same things that i can give them… friendship on a balanced level as opposed to one that eventually ends up being one-sided. i thought out loud about where one should go to meet other intelligent, black, gay men in the city- to which she subtly protested.
“it’s not about meeting ‘gay’ people,” she said. “it’s about meeting people!” that hit me pretty hard. i mean i get so easily caught up in feeling like gay people are the only people i have something in common with. that is entirely untrue. i’ve had friends of all backgrounds before, but i suppose i’ve spent so much time concentrating on my sexuality, that i’ve enclosed myself in a bubble. it’s time for that bubble to burst. lynda mentioned that i check out meetup.com- a social networking site geared towards joining people with similar interests.
i’ve heard of meetup before- i used to write ads for them when i worked at google- but i never really checked it out. meetup is the shit, y’all. i just entered things that i’m interested in- “bowling,” “music,” “writing,” etc. and all types of groups just popped up on screen. i read through and joined a few of them. i have no doubt that this will change everything!
for example, i had a meetup meeting today about the law of attraction as it relates to relationships! talk about attracting things to you! only 2 days ago, i vented my frustrations about my relationships with people, and the universe answered me right back. i got so much out of the meeting just from hearing people talk. there were a couple of things that really stood out for me. someone during the hour-long conversation mentioned: “don’t project your negative mirror onto other people.” bringing it home… “don’t blame smokestack for his inconsideration, when you’re consideration track record is less than laudable.” this doesn’t excuse his behavior in any way, but it highlights my behavior in other relationships that is now being mirrored in my friendship with smokestack.
the other thing that stood out for me today was when someone else said, “change your mind about giving people what you think they need!” could that possibly apply more to my relationship not only with smokestack, but with people in general? i’m a very giving person… a “yes-man” if you will. i’m always there to give people what i think they may need or want, so that they may be happy- all the while sacrificing my own happiness. hearing that woke me up. i’m definitely thinking clearer now; and am now more aware of my own behavior.
needless to say, i enjoyed my first meetup experience. i also found a black writers group, and was very excited to see that they are having a meetup this thursday at the 40/40 club (to which i’ve never been). i’m incredibly excited about this one! this is my chance to really get my foot in the door in the writing and publishing world. i got a book that needs peddling, and what better way to get exposure than this? so, i’m ordering more business cards, printing out “evolution of a man” media kits, and taking this show on the road.
thanx, lynda for busting me out of my bubble.
here we go kiddies!
will on September 17th, 2008
it’s no secret that in the past, i’ve had concerns and apprehensions about my friendship with smokestack. i’ve felt that he’s been inconsiderate about my time and space, and abusive of my money and good nature. all of this has led me to resent him more and more as time has gone by. i used those feelings as examples of our friendship without taking responsibility in my part of the drama. throughout the past year or so, we’ve hooked up a couple of times, and i interpreted that to equal some kind of relationship. i realize now that in creating that false reality, i cheated the both of us out of a real friendship.
a few weeks ago the shit hit the fan. our frustrations boiled to a max, we pretty much let each other have it over an instant messenger conversation that left us not speaking to each other. sitting in my apartment stewing i, for a while, paced back and forth cursing his name and the day i ever met him. then, i really began to think about our situation- specifically, my behavior.
when i think about it, someone could probably write a movie out of all the shit i’ve put that boy through in the last year or so. don’t get me wrong- i’m in no way taking all of the blame for the state of our friendship… he did plenty, but i really pushed some buttons. and at the end of the day, i have to take responsibility for it. since the beginning, i’ve had an attraction to him. one that i thought was based on love, but in reality, was just based on a need for affection. i supposed i used him just as much as he used me, but i am just now beginning to see the toil that both of our bullshit has taken on us being friends.
plain and simple, i was looking for a companion. someone i could be affectionate with and who could match me on levels of intimacy and life. unfortunately, smokestack could not provide that for me. and despite his telling me so on several occasions, in my head, i thought i could change it… change him. now, i know better. i wrote to him explaining the conclusion that i had come to regarding my behavior, and apologized for any drama that i caused. i also asked that we talk.
we both didn’t want our friendship to end, but we also agreed that things had to change in order for it to get better. the conclusion was that we start over. not forget about the past, but move on- friendship intact- with the understanding of potential pitfalls and red flags. we both now understand what it is we should and should not ask from each other. he’s a really great guy with a great future ahead of him, and i’d really hate to lose his friendship over something so stupid as my delusional imagination. in the past couple of weeks since, we’ve had a really good time hanging out as friends. no extra shit. we appreciate each other more that way… and we laugh more, too! 
will on August 29th, 2008
some people go for the bad guys. some, for the wealthy ones. me? i go for the unavailable. those guys that for whatever reason, are not interested in me- but whom i chase and chase in the hopes that their mind and feelings will change. even more upsetting is the fact that most of them, in the end, prove uneligible to be my partner in the first place. but still, i persist.
i don’t know why i continue to do this. i mean, there must be some part of me that’s enjoying the rejection and embarrassment of practically throwing myself at these people- otherwise, i wouldn’t do it. there’s something in me that craves being desired so bad that i end up time and time again setting my mind aside in search of some caress of my heart and emotions.
i got an instant message from smokestack inviting me over this evening, and, like the lap-dog i tend to be with him, i ran over to hang out, eat, and chat with him. i did this despite the lack of friendship and consideration i get from him, and despite any other plans i had for the evening. all because i’m crushing on someone who’s (although we’ve hooked up in the past) made it clear that he’s no longer interested; but in my mind is just waiting for me to approach him the right way. we had a good time- watching a movie, and tuning in to barack obama’s speech. the purpose of my going over there was for us to enjoy each others company and put smiles on our faces. that we did. but of course, i was hoping for more… in the end, i got up and left after sitting by myself for 40 minutes while he paraded around the apartment on the phone- cleaning here and there, laughing, and forgetting i was even in the room. when i got up, he made a comment about my leaving to the person he was talking to- to which i replied, “well you’re really into your conversation, so i’m going home.” apparently, it was someone he hadn’t spoken to in a while- we all know what that’s like. but ignoring someone you asked to come over to cheer you up is quite rude. so i left.
walking home, i berated myself for putting myself through so much bullshit for something that’s not really worth it to begin with- not just in this situation, but with all the guys i chase and many friends as well. i also, during the walk, monologued about how rude i felt he was, and how i felt cheated for his not being into me to the point of getting something started. we work for the most part well as friends, but i wanted him to initiate something, and when he did not, i became unhappy. i just have such a strong yearning to be desired, needed and accepted; and i way too often compromise my values or whatnot in order to gain some type of affection (particularly romantic) from the people i surround myself with. and for some reason, despite all the reasons i have to act otherwise, i can’t get enough of being around him.
i’ve been diving back into eckhart tolle’s “a new earth” again, and i recently came upon a passage that had me mark “WOW” almost instantly.
do you often experience a feeling of discontent that could be best described as a kind of background resentment? many people spend a large part of their lives in that state. they are so identified with it taht they cannot stand back and see it. underlying that feeling are certain unconsciously held beliefs, that is to say, thoughts…
whenever there is unhappiness in the background of your life (or even in the foreground), you can see which of these thoughts applies and fill in your own content according to your personal situation:
“there is something that needs to happen in my life before i can be at peace (happy, fullfilled, etc.). and i resent that it hasn’t happened yet. maybe my resentment will finally make it happen…”
often the unconscious beliefs are directed toward a person and so “happening” becomes “doing”:
“you should do this or that so that i can be at peace. and i resent that you haven’t done it yet. maybe my resentment will make you do it.”
i couldn’t help but to pause when i read this. i mean, i walk through my life upset that i don’t have companionship- thinking that if i did, i’d be happy. and then on top of that, i resent smokestack for not initiating something after all i’ve done for him. it’s sad, i know… but these are the holes we sometimes fall into. i know i don’t want to be in a relationship with him, but i keep chasing him anyway, and then get mad when i feel my needs aren’t met. and i can’t figure out what to do.
i fear that my desire for companionship is reaching a level of desperation that will, if i’m not careful, lead me to enter into an unhealthy partnership. sometimes, i feel like i’ll run away with the first guy who shows me some real affection- just ‘cuz i can’t get it anywhere and from anyone else. i’ve never had a boyfriend, and, being a huge romantic, i want to be boo’ed up! but for now, the universe has other plans.
i really have to get it together. i’m losing myself- too busy giving it all away to other people…
stop the madness!
will on August 25th, 2008
my “friend” smokestack and i made plans to hang out this evening. he called me this afternoon while i was chillin at home getting some stuff done, and told me about his day. he didn’t have a particularly good one, but that’s besides the point. he mentioned that he was tired, and that he was going to take a nap and would come over around 6:30.
6:30 came and went. 7:20 arrived, and my phone rang. it wasn’t the person i was expecting. in fact it was someone i barely know, and hadn’t anticipated seeing anytime soon. so i didn’t answer. about 2 minutes later my phone rang again, and smokestack was on the other end. we had the following conversation:
will: hello?
smokestack: hey, uh… can you let “diego” in? i’m on my-
will: excuse me? he’s downstairs now? i didn’t know he was comin’ over.
smokestack: yeah, uh…
will: where are you?
smokestack: i’m still at home. i have to get dressed, but i’ll be there soon.
will: *sigh* ok… bye *click*
the time is now 7:45… and smokestack is still not here.
awkward!
it’s like i’ve got battered friend syndrome. i take hit after hit, and just keep coming back for more! i must ponder this. why do i (still) let this person, or some people in general, treat me with such disrespect and inconsideration?
