will on August 28th, 2009
You gotta start somewhere. I’ve been meaning to dive into Bible study for a few weeks now, but have just felt so overwhelmed. Where do I begin? What do I read? How do I internalize it? Will it really help? These are just a few of the questions that I have been battling with when it comes to spending time with You and reading your word. To be honest, I know and believe that You can help me- but at the same time, I don’t feel it. Does that make sense? Really, these days I feel nothing; nothing but self-pity and doubt. I’ve been so consumed by it that I’ve almost given up on myself, and found no desire or reason to start reading. I’ve been so very uninterested…in everything!
After Tuesday’s “Touch & Agree,” Rhonda sat with me for over an hour listening to what I had to say, ministering to me, and reading scriptures with me. She even prayed the prayer of salvation with me- just to make sure I was saved. And I am…but I still struggle! She suggested that I get in the word and start small- take a few verses a day, read them over and over to get them in my spirit, write them down and post them on my walls. I thought it a good idea and, feeling so good after our conversation, had every intention of following her suggestion; but I did nothing. I bailed. Sure, I thought about readng scripture and studying on numerous occassions Wednesday and Thursday; but there was still a big part of me that said, “Why?” and “I don’t wanna!” Also, stuck in my head worrying about all the problems and issues I’m facing, I stayed lazy and sad claiming the excuse, “I don’t know where to start.” So I didn’t. Today I forced myself to start studying the Bible and really spending time with God. As of late, I’ve heard many people either cite or talk about Jeremiah 29:11, so I decided to begin there. It says:
“I know what I am doing. I have planned it all out- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.”
That was The Message translation. Rhonda suggested reading the New King James Version, the New International Version (NIV), and The Message. I was raised onte traditional King James Version, and like it did when I was younger, it has confused me to no end as I’ve tried reading it recently. But reading the aforementioned translations made Your word so much clearer and understandable to me. I’m definitely a big fan of The Message translation! After reading verse 11 I continued on to verses 12-14, which spoke to me even more:
“When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen. When you come looking fr me, you’ll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed…”
The NIV says (about getting serious) “When you seen me with all your heart…” I must admit, Lord, that I’m struggling with that part. I can’t yet identify with seeking You with all my heart; but I can say that I am seeking you with all that I can muster up right now- whatever that is. I want to seek You and your word with all my heart, but I’d be wrong not to admit that at this particular moment, I seek You in a reaching, arms wide open, crying attempt to find peace, help, and direction within my storm. My heart is open and I hope and believe that as I continue to read, learn, and in You and be filled by You- as we become more intimate with each other- my heart’s desire for You will expand. I consider myself to have rain my first baby step today towards seeking You and learning your word.
I’ve been asked how can I pray in faith and stand, believing in your word if I don’t know what’s in it? When I pray, I want and need to be able to call upon your word to help me with the circumstances of my life. And even more, I want to truly understand what it means to praise and bless Your name… I want to know you, Lord, so I can better praise you.
I thank You for opening this door and I pray fr your patience with me as I start this journey. I know you’re always with me, Lord- imma need your direction knowing what and how to study next. But for now, I’ll stay meditated on Jeremiah 29:11-14. Thank you!
Lord, teach me how to go beyond just getting by. In Jesus name I pray. AMEN!
will on July 30th, 2009
Last week a new friend of mine invited me to check out an inspirational support group he participates in called “Touch and Agree.” He didn’t say much about the group outside of how they meet on Tuesdays and how he always leaves feeling uplifted and inspired; but being familiar with the meaning behind the title, I knew it had something to do with spirituality. Recently my prayers have been centered around finding direction within my own life, meeting new people and making new friends; so from the moment the invitation reached my ears, I knew God was trying to tell me something. Without a second thought I said “yes,” and though I had no idea what I was getting myself into, I literally couldn’t wait for Tuesday night to come.
I walked into an 8th avenue Starbucks on Tuesday feeling anxious and nervous- a common resounding sensation I encounter when stepping into a new experience- but overall, I was tremendously excited. I walked up the wooden staircase to the second floor of the coffee shop and found a group of about 15-20 young adults sitting in a large circle around small tables engaged in intimate conversation. There was a peaceful yet animated presence around the group- one you couldn’t help but be drawn to. Almost immediately, my nerves were calmed and my interested peaked beyond comparrison. I took a seat at one end of the circle, passing and low-fiving my friend on the way, and leaned in to hear what the others sat so attentively to take in. Someone was sharing a testimony he had from the past week to intermittent cheers of “Hallelujah” and “Thank you, Jesus!” and for the first time in my life, this public display of religion didn’t make me uncomfortable. I usually have a very difficult time praising the Lord outside of church, and have never felt at ease doing so amongst other Christians in my age group. I suppose my relationship with God has just not yet gotten to the point of outward worship despite my surroundings. It didn’t take me long at all to realize that this group would change my thoughts around studying, and being supported by the word of God.
As the meeting continued, I sat listening intently to all of the testimonies and words of encouragement. I was thoroughly wrapped up in every minute. It was like my soul was filling itself up on every succulent morsel of conversation. I’ve been struggling so much lately trying to figure out my path and direction in life, and the passion with which these young people spoke about God’s work in their lives really touched me. I heard of the miracles and blessings that were taking place and all I could think was, “how can I get some of that? where do I begin?” The experience was overwhelming, not simply because of the spiritual aspect, but also because of the company itself. Just about everyone there is an artist in some way, shape, or form- singers, dancers, actors, writers, etc.- they are the people I wish myself to be. I’ve always sensed there is something great inside of me just bursting to get out- a talent, skill, purpose. I believe I was created to entertain and inspire others, and I have been praying and praying that God will send people and friends into my life that will help me progress with my goals and dreams. The participants of Touch and Agree are an artistic, supportive bunch who LOVE the Lord and claim their destiny in Jesus’ name. I just couldn’t get enough of hearing what they had to say.
There was much conversation about having faith- building our faith muscle- and staying faithful in the midst of our confusion because God is always there and is in control. That hit me pretty hard. When I was younger my faith was so strong, but recently it’s become incredibly hard to maintain a faithful spirit despite all the confusion and uncertainty that clouds my mind. One of my goals in joining Touch & Agree is to rebuild my faith and gain faith that surpasses all understanding. Another jewel of inspiration came from my friend, Dewayne, who mentioned an enlightening reminder he received about trusting God’s direction. It is important to remember that God has already been to where we are going. As we walk the rocky path of our lives He’s coming in the opposite direction- returning from our destiny. He’s already seen our future- all we need to is trust his word and be obedient. It’s at times so much easier said than done– especially when we’re going through the storm– but we must trust and believe that the Lord knows what he is doing.
Touch & Agree could not have come into my life at a better time. I am so grateful and cannot wait for next week. I need this! I need the encouraging support, the friends, the guidance in the word, and the blessings that follow. Thank you so very much, Lord, for bringing me to Touch & Agree. I pray you continue to make it a blessing upon my life.
will on June 14th, 2009
the storms of life have really been gettting to me recently, and i’m very glad to say that, finally, i can see blue skies once again!
in the beginning of last week, i was really going thru it. i could barely get myself out of bed, and when i did, i moped around like a sad little puppy dog– locked in a state of depression and grief over what I felt was an uninspired life. on top of that, i was frustrated with trying to get my cable and internet service hooked up. cablevision came to my apartment 3 days in a row during the week, and in the end, still couldn’t get my cable installed. it was not shaping up to be a good week.
on wednesday i got a call from my girl, shondell, who has been such a tremendous force of positivity and inspiration for me during these tough times. i shared with her what i had been going through during the week, and she told me a story about a struggle she had, and a lesson she learned in letting go and letting God. she helped me to realize that we, as individuals, really have everything we need in life to be well and succeed; we just need to relax, trust in God, and know–truly know– that in the end, everything will be okay. hearing her testimony really brightened my spirits.
later that same day, shondell texted me telling me to “tune into oprah, RIGHT NOW!” the show was a re-run of a best life week episode on “spirituality 101.” i’d seen the episode before, but the refresher couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. in it, oprah made mention of a gratitude journal that she keeps and writes in on almost a daily basis. as soon as i heard that, my mind started to race and i thought of journaling what i’m grateful for… keeping the good things that are working in my life fresh and present in my thinking. since seeing that episode, i’ve started to write down 5 things from each day that i’m grateful for, as well as writing prayer notes to God. since starting this new thing, i feel so alive and in such great spirits, i can barely contain myself!
in addition to all of that, randomly, on thursday, i picked up my book manuscript and started re-writing “evolution of a man: a journal of self-discovery.” the stuff that was coming out of me was so amazing that i almost couldn’t stop writing. i’ve been locked in ever since! i feel so on fire right now! like i have purpose again. it’s so awesome how quickly things can go from darkness to light. this book is seriously going to be a brilliant and amazing piece of work. i can’t wait for you all to read it! the goal is to have it all re-written by the end of the month… middle of july at the latest, and then re-start the publishing process shortly thereafter.
i feel like my life is back on track right now, and i couldn’t be more excited! thank God for friends like shondell, and for what being grateful and trusting in Him can bring about in our own lives. i’m so freakin’ stoked right now! lol let’s go, people! upward and onward! 
