recently i’ve become extremely frustrated with some of the people and circumstances in my life. i have a “friend” (i feel like i should use that term loosely) who i have been complaining about a lot lately for his seeming lack of care or participation in our friendship. i’ve blamed him numerous times for my unhappiness or disappointment and, as a result, find myself resenting him and the friendship we’ve come to create. reading that horoscope really put some things in perspective for me.

many of my friend’s words and actions have most certainly put a strain on our relationship- we both know that; but at the same time there have also been cases where our relationship has suffered simply because of the high expectations i created of him. i have acted out and thrown adult tantrums simply because i didn’t get my way or receive what i wanted. there’s being disappointed and then there is making yourself disappointed. at times, people may disappoint you- they may promise you things and never follow through, or borrow things and never return them. but it’s important to recognize the difference between being let down by someone and allowing yourself to be let down by way of unspoken rules and your own wants or desires. for me, a prime example of this is the tendency i have to give of myself and do for others with the hope and expectation that they will, in turn, do for me. when my generosity and kindness (more often than not) doesn’t find it’s way back around– at all or just not in the manner which i would have liked– i find a way to express my discontent- a sigh here, or a bitchy quip there. thats where i fuck up. after a recent conversation with my friend as well as reading the horoscope, i really had to take a step back and look at how i relate to other people and view the circumstances within my own life.

i can’t go around wanting and expecting everything to go my way. furthermore, i have to be clear- if i want something specific, say so- otherwise, let it be or just don’t engage in the circumstance at all. it’s stupid and not fair to give of myself and then get mad because my needs weren’t met when i hadn’t even made the effort to express what i wanted. i have to look at “what is”- what’s stated, out in the open, and undoubtedly clear in every area of my life; and separate that from the ideal of how i would like things to go or be. in doing so, i give the circumstance a chance to succeed instead of dooming it from the start through my mirror of wants and expectations. we’re not all on the same page and don’t all care about things the same way. the sooner i realize that, the better. i’m definitely much clearer now!

be careful to view things AS THEY ARE, and not merely as you would like them to be.

less than 2 hours after i wrote that post, i got a text message from my crush (we’ll call him “simon”) asking if i was at home and if he could come over. i immediately said “yup” in the hopes that we would have a bit of fun. simon came over soon thereafter, and we did have a great time, but not like i imagined. there has definitley been a stress on our relationship as of late, and the time had cone for us to address it.

to my surprise, simon took responsibility for his being less than a good friend to me despite all that i have done for him. i could hear the sincerity in his voice, which really made me feel better! he also shared what’s been going on in his life that resulted in things falling apart. he’s got a tremendous amount of shit on his plate, and i realized that my pressuring him wasn’t making anything easier.

that said, i apologized for my actions- getting upset when things didn’t go my way, pressuring him to hook up, and not being sympathetic to all that he has going on right now. we both agreed that something’s gotta give, and we talked about how we can interact in the future to stay on the same page. basically, we need to work on our communication. we get so angry, frustrated and resentful out of not communicating with each other and expressing exactly what is on our minds. things fester and get bigger in our heads until we end up going off on each other. not good! so we vowed to moving forward say what’s on our minds- express our frustrations, wants, concerns, and desires. from there, we’ll then talk it out and come to a conclusion as to what we should do.

all in all, i really appreciated the talk we had. it was a long time coming. we understand each other and our individual situations a lot more now; and we are much more respecting of each other. we’re on our way to a good friendship- a balanced friendship. and that’s all that i want.

it feels so good to finally hear the truth and get some clarity!